By The Way

I said in Sunday's post that I had to go take pictures of the neighborhood before the scary people came out. Too late. I got several hollers as I was photographing the worst of the homes. I also got a very intent look from one of the women who was also showing some sort of gang symbol with her hand. I wonder if they know I was the one that called the other morning to report two men walking around with baseball bats not looking like they were going to play a nice recreational game. This was also early in the morning.

Check out the photos and the new blog.

A Trip to the Country

A hot humid hazy day in the country...


My mind wanders and wonders what this looked like years ago when this was all wild prairie.





There are fields of sunflowers, then there are fields of ANDEFLOWERS. These poor things can't stand the bright sunlight. So they had their heads down.



Trees are not natural to this part of South Dakota. Most of the trees you see out in the country either are or were shelter belts for homes and farms. Years ago before the land was settled, the government was giving the land away - one requirement was to plant a certain number of trees. These were called tree claims. If you notice as you drive, many trees are leaning from the strong wind and many are dead, dying or unhealthy. Just outside Luverne Minnesota, Jim Brandenburg is trying to bring back the praire with his Touch the Sky Prairie Foundation


How many dreams were trod into the dry land during the dustbowl? Many failed at farming and simply left everything behind. Maybe this was a family that did that...


The cows are quite cliquey. I tried to get in on the conversation, but they would have none of it.

Those laying down did stand up when I said, "Say, Cheese! Show the world that South Dakota cows are happy cows!" I don't think they liked that.



This is the photo that I took before the second one from the left made moves to charge me. I think the cow on the left is his wife and she is not nuzzling him, but trying to hold him off. Before we left (I wish I would have had taken that photo) she had to put her whole body in front of him.
Aaah...the country...

Surreality

Two nights ago, while the weather was walloping areas south of us, we were presented with a certain orange/pink sometimes blue glow. I couldn't help but get my camera out hoping that it would capture these colors. It did to a certain degree. Too bad they don't bury our power lines. If I weren't so tired, I would have been up for some chasin'!









POOKA: !

Meat In the Stew!

I now have a new blog to stay tuned to. Not that I wasn't catching it occasionally hoping there were new posts anyway...but I'm lovin' it!

My dad is blogging! He's a blogger! Best of all, he opened up and showed a little ankle...

He is beginning to write about his human side. I love it! It is difficult to do at times, because you are posting it for all to see. You can be accessed by anyone. What I have found in my life, is that the best response I get is when I talk about the flaws in myself, or my weaknesses... There certainly are some that I leave out, but there are so many I put in.

When you acknowledge and bear your flaws to others, they embrace that part of you. They do so because it is a part of them. We all have flaws. Why do we like comedians? What do they talk about? Why do we laugh? Either they are bringing up quirky things that we never thought of ourselves or they are hitting that part of us that says, "I know!!! I feel like that, too!" They question or remark on the human condition and that is why we laugh. Of course, they put it in a funny way... (By the way, J., sorry I forgot to return that CD today. It was wonderful! Thank you for brightening my days at work!)

Okay, let me spew more of my human condition onto the digital pages here... I read my dad's blog and my brother's comments and hear comments from other people and realize that the way they see me is not quite the way I see myself. I feel lazy, constantly pushing to get things done, forgetful, weak and whiney. They see me apparently as strong and determined. Huh? I wonder if I am a hypochondriac and sometimes believe that if it were not for the numbers, I would be just that.

I guess I dwell on things that have been said that really brought me to my knees...After repeated sinus infections my dr. sent me to an ear, nose and throat guy. Dr. S. took an MRI and looked up my nose and on my next appointment said that I don't have sinus problems. He also wrote in his report that I was very emotional. I guess you are supposed to be extra chipper when your face and head are pounding and someone says that they find nothing wrong. So, I decided despite my opinion and that of my doctor, I don't have sinus problems. In a way, that is what got me into this whole mess. I had sinus headaches and faceaches and drainage but I was going to tough it out. Plus, we are becoming so desensitized to antibiotics that our bodies are losing the ability to heal themselves. I went to the doctor on July 4th because of vertigo. I couldn't even study because reading - even sitting still and especially on a computer - was making me feel like I was car sick. Since I can't feel ear infections, I thought I had better go in and get it taken care of so I wouldn't have to miss any work or worse yet, any blogs or blogging! The rest, as they say, is history. Now I am all whiney and emotional again!

I have had the fevers and the night sweats for at least a year. My doctor said she thought it was peri-menopausal. Isn't that special. If it were peri-menopausal, then THAT would be the problem because I am not that friggin' old!! I know that menopause brings hot flashes, but they call them FLASHES because they are brief span of time when you feel warm. NOT because you are constantly running a fever. Does a flash of lightening stay for a year? NO! It flashes!

Doctors have really poor memories, too. The ID (infectious disease doctor) came in early one morning as I was waking up. Before she felt my glands, she touched the drenched back of my head and said, "yes, there definitely is something going on here". She ordered oodles of tests, but said in the end it may be peri-menopausal or "fever of unknown origin". Here we go again. I thought that is what I was in for!

Farmer in the dell...

Perhaps this will open a new segment or a diversion away from my bitching blog.

The word for the day was provided for us by a neighbor I was speaking with in my driveway at 5:00 am today. She was speaking of the downfall of her attempt to begin her own N.Watch group:

She said it was due to her "pistofftiness".

My lack of response was not due to her admission, rather her choice of word and my inability to open my mouth without laughing my arse off.

"pis toff ti ness"- [pis awf-tee-nes]
-noun
1. a strong feeling of anger and belligerence aroused by the feeling the Sioux Falls PD is not doing their job coupled with a deep-seeded highly-charged emotional state from buried resentment.

Sighs all around

After holding our breath for days we all exhaled yesterday when the surgeon came out and said that surgery went well. She was given some blood but otherwise everything went well.

They came early for her yesterday as the previous surgery took less time than expected. I brought her up some flowers and a soft teddy bear that she didn't let go of and ended up taking into the OR with her. It was pretty tearful as she said to Kermit, "You have been a wonderful husband. Take care of yourself." Then as they wheeled his bride away, Kermit stood there alone, holding his hat with a horribly lost look on his face. Tears and sobs all around. Even Jess who never cries broke down.

They have a waiting room there that is wholly inconvenient and operated carelessly, I feel, for the family members of people in life-threatening conditions. They have a table set up with coffee (decaf or regular), sugar, creamer and splenda packets and stir straws. They have two phones for the nurses to contact you. The phones ring and it is ENTIRELY up to the family members to answer - there is no staff to answer the phone. (The family closest to the phones ends up being the family that needs to answer the phone for the rest of the room. There is one tv tuned to CNN on one side of the room. I didn't see a computer in that room, although there was in another waiting room that you are either not supposed to use (then why is it there?) or you are discouraged from using. (As the lady at the desk yells over to you, "Can I help you?")

So, after you see your family member off to the most dangerous surgery of their life, hoping that their weak bodies can make it through, you are left in a large waiting room with several other families, also baring their raw emotion and angst.

Our first call came 1 and 1/2 hour after she was rolled away. I know there is much prep and this call simply stated that the bypass surgery had started - first, they have to remove the artery from the leg, then they have to open her up, spread the ribcage and hook her up to the heart-lung machine. An hour and 1/2 later, the next call came. Surgery was going well. An hour and 1/2 later the next call came. All had gone well and they were finishing up. 1 and 1/2 hour later, they said that the the surgeon would be talking to us sometime between then and when she would be taken into her room an hour or so later. The surgeon said it went well and she was doing great! We could smile at that point. We are over the worst... Each day the prognosis looks better and better.

So, I should quit bitching about the waiting room. I will redo it later. Right now I have to cram for my final on Monday and clean between.

Two steps forward?

Okay, today was better than yesterday. When I went to the hospital, Mavis was sitting up and eating! That was wonderful after leaving last night when her pain levels in her chest were increasing before we left. I was seriously wondering if she would make it through the night. I went to work today knowing that I would have to take tomorrow off. Tomorrow will be triple bi-pass surgery.



She will be in surgery for around 5 hours. We need to be there at least by 10 a.m. if we wish to speak with her before surgery. From there, I guess they will try to take her off the respirator around 5 pm. She will be sleepy most of the rest of the day, so we will probably just go up and see her back in her room and let her know that we are still there. They will send folks out throughout the operation to let us know how it is going. Several times yesterday she said that she was ready to die. Today she did not say that once. She did, however, say that she wanted salt for her food. She is probably the only patient in the heart hospital that is sodium deficient. She will have to get orders from a doctor for that because nothing there is cooked with or comes with salt. I think that I will try to speak with someone regarding diet, so we know what we can do to help. Perhaps that loaf of banana bread and the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies weren't so good for her...

Both of them agreed that she should convalesce in a nursing home for at least the first week after she is out of the hospital. I would hate that myself, and felt like volunteering, but realize my limitations.

I guess the positives today were that she was sitting up and laughing and feeling better. The neutrals, are the surgery. Both dangerous and promising...

On another note, I got a call regarding the blood work from the Oncologist's office. Apparently she isn't ready to refer me yet. My white count was up from 13,100(?) 9 days ago to 15,300. I will have been off antibiotics for two weeks on Saturday. My temperature was 98.4, but I just got done chomping an entire glass of ice. (I should quit that before appointments.) When I got home, it was 99.3. Today it was 99.4. I don't know whether or not she and the pathologist completed the blood pathology or not. They were going to look at my blood under a scope and see if I had any small aliens in there. Anyway, for now I am to get my blood checked once a month for 3 months and go back to see her in November. (3 months from now - hard to believe! It's almost Christmas time already!)




Nick came over last night and talked my ear off again. It seems that he and his dad are fighting now...Huh? you're kidding! I guess perhaps it wasn't mom after all... Then he called me at work today and wouldn't let me get off the phone. Jeepers Criminy! It seems that thangs are a changin'.


P.S. Did you notice I didn't say sh** in this blog at all today??? :)

Just let me crawl in a hole

You just can't make this stuff up. You just can't!!! Remember when I said what next? That regrettable statement that was out there hanging and I said, stay tuned? Well, here you go...

I was enjoying a perfectly rotten day at work. I was at the point of laughing because it was so pathetically bad. I was scheduled to get off at 12:15 to make it to my oncologist appointment. How much sh** can you stuff into one day? Well, the phone rang at 9:20 and I lost it! Brian's mother had a heart attack and was being taken by ambulance to Sioux Falls. Jess had been there since Saturday and last night they got into it. Mavis is 80 and wonderful. She says I am the daughter she always wanted. She is so upset by her granddaughter's behavior and wishes she had more grandchildren... I won't go into detail, but she hates to say that and this last week wasn't good for any of them. I finished my work and ran up to the hospital. She said that she is ready to go. (Please don't!) At this moment she is in the cath lab getting an angiogram and possible angioplasty.

I left when they began prepping her for surgery. On my way out, I saw my ex-father-in-law. My ex-mother-in-law was also in the heart hospital. They think she may have a blood clot. She and I are also close. (Yes, I still get along with the ex-in-laws)

They took blood at the oncologist before I left. My fever was down, but that was probably because I just got done chewing an entire glass of ice. I took it when I got home and it was back to 99.4. Basically what was said was that I should either be referred to a rhuematologist or an infectious disease specialist. Depending on the outcome of the blood tests we will see. So, hopefully the scary "C" word is out of the picture.

Just got an update on Mavis. She has 2 total calcified blockages and 1 partial blockage. 3 choices, medication that could land her back up there within the year, angioplasty which could land her back up there in 5 years, or bipass surgery which, although it would have the best long term effects, would have the highest risk at this point.

Oh, to add to it all, Jess has been nagging her dad to go to the fair. She sent me a text asking me "why does this always happen to me?" - as in why do my plans always get ruined? I told her that this was not the time I even told her that her Grandma could die! (I am not usually that blunt, but she pushed me to the limit!) To which she replied, "It's my grandma and I know she won't die". I told her she should be a doctor, because she's the only one that knows that! Not even the doctors know at this point - but wait, that would mean that she would have to think about someone besides herself. Not cool, kid. How can you teach a 14 year old empathy? Is it too late? This is where she always gets in trouble. This is the kind of thinking that will land her in prison or a mental institution.

Why so Angry?

Filling out the forms tonight for the oncologist, I began to get angry. In so many ways I feel like shouting! When I am signing a consent for treatment form that says that I consent to the following:
"All medical nd surgical treatment, x-ray, laboratory and other medical and hospital procedures as may be performed or prescribed by my physician or any person (including other physicians to be consulted, assistants and hospital personnel) who may be designated. It also follows with "Sanford conducting training programs in which students or practitioners in areas of health care learn under supervision and may be involved in my care" stating that I approve of that.

I am having nightmares here. Who in their right mind would sign a form like this? Giving preauthorization to whatever they feel like doing to me? What if 20 interns need experience at rectal exams? Skrew that! What am I? a freakin' guinea pig. Most folks would say, oh, don't worry about it. I guess I am just not a very trusting person. In the hospital, I was just livid that I had to have an I.V. when I was taking my antibiotics and other medication orally.... What the hell? The doctor said just in case they needed to give me something I.V. Meanwhile, the I.V. was driving me nuts. It has a thin plastic end that stays in the vein. It had twisted so that my vein was 90 degrees off what it was when I went in. The plastic thing was bent and they kept having to straighten it out and retape it. Things like that make me woozy. I just picture the strain of the plastic piece twisting my vein and poking through. Sure, I know that veins are made of 3 layers of muscle, but it still grossed me out. Then there was the urine sample - the one I couldn't be trusted to give them on my own, so they did with a catheter. I love those! That ordered by the doctor from "A Series of Unfortunate Events". Lemony Snicket, have I got some story lines for you!

But now I am wondering what I am so angry about. Really, is that the real reason? I don't want to be poked and prodded and violated anymore. I just want an answer. I am so irritable and tense. My head is pounding and I feel like I am throwing a tantrum of words here. "It's not fair!!!" I used to say when I was little. It wasn't. It isn't now. I know that I am too old for it, but bawling and throwing myself down on the floor kicking and screaming sure sounds appealing. I think I know how 2 and 3 year-olds feel. That feeling you get inside where you are tired of controlling your anger and your angst! You just want to let it all out so that lump in your esophagus goes away. You want that pressing feeling just above your ears to go away. You want to let the tears fly without caring what anyone thinks. You want it to all go away.


I'm an adult now. I should be stoic. I shouldn't be writing these words knowing that others will read them. Unless, of course, their reading them liberates them as much as it does me writing them. Maybe it will. Then I will feel better. Otherwise I feel like such a whiner.

I met J. in the hall today. She just caught up on my blog. I apologized for whining and she said that she thought I was a strong person and very determined. Thank you, J. That helps. If I do write a book someday, you will have a special spot in it. You have helped me not feel so bad about my rantings.

This Is Beginning To Take on A Theme...

I would like to say this has been a good week, but it has instead been teary and stress-filled. Where to start? Monday...presentation isn't done yet. I spend an hour at the doctor's office listening to him tell me that he has no idea what is wrong with me and listening to the med student outside the examination room saying that he was wracking his brain trying to figure out what it could be. They must have been looking at a bug on a wall, huh? I received copies of my diagnostic tests and sent them to my teacher who is passing them on to his pathologist friend. Eric said I need "House". I have been referred to what they said was a hematologist/oncologist that is listed in the phone book as an oncologist. That doesn't do well for the mood.

Tuesday meh! The usual work crap. The oncologist thing didn't really hit me until after the nurse called with the appointment at the cancer center. I cried. I try to be optimistic, but gee, I don't have the energy for that very often. My flowers have been dying since my hospital visit. Both the ones in the vases and the ones outside. I just want a REALLY GOOD THUNDERSTORM! I had to be at school an hour early to work with my presentation partners. We were presenting on Wednesday, but most of the work was already done by me here. We organized their slides and went to class. He handed the tests back and gave me a hard time because the best grade I got was on the material covered the week I was out.

Wednesday was probably the worst. When I got to work, my tuition reimbursement papers were sitting there returned again. I had to prove that I took the Sociology class through USD and the Cognitive Psyche class at USDSU. They wrote in big letters that the tuition costs didn't match the tuition rates for the schools. Yes, they did but . She she returns my papers every semester wanting more proof. This semester it was twice. Thank goodness I keep copies of everything. I wanted to comment on this because the business office at school says that they haven't had this problem with any other W- employee and their tuition reimbursement program. But I refrained. Also of note, even though I include the phone number of the business office along with their letters to W- stating that they can contact them if they need further information, Wells Fargo WON'T. If that isn't enough, they cross through the notes and letters with red ink. What bullshit!



As soon as I got home I saw that Nick had mail from his new employer. I opened it, knowing what it was probably about. Sure enough, the legal problems were on their background check despite the fact that it hasn't gone to court yet, it was just a charge. I had to call him at work, because he already had his notice in and was training his replacement. I also called his dad and said that he may wish to get some legal advise on this. Nick called and found out that they have no interest in hiring him until it is cleared up. So much for car payments... Then Brian called and needed me to bring him his keys because he took the work vehicle home and left his car keys here. I had to be to school in one hour and I was still running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I still had to do some refinements on the presentation. Just as I hung up with Nick's dad, my neighbor called to see how I was doing...Presentation or no, I had to run. On the way to work, two fighting drunken women were blocking traffic on 11th street. Anyway, when we got up to do our presentation, the pictures on the powerpoint wouldn't show up. I sure hope that doesn't affect our grade. The teacher said that the problem was that I had a Mac, but I say the problem was that they have a PC. I can get PC crap on my Mac, but it just doesn't work the other way. You would think an educational institution would be up to date and state of the art. Bah ha ha!!

Thursday was study night. Eric saved my butt by bringing me a VGA adapter so the f***ing PC based projector would be able to hook up to my Mac! Nick stopped by and talked my ear off. I couldn't get him to talk when he lived here and I can't get him to shut up now. Then Ben came home. He also talked my ear off. I had to study!!

Today's excitement was taking the test and finding out I narrowly escaped with a 'C'- not acceptable in my book, so that is going to place additional stress on studying for the final.

I got the mail when I got home and here was a letter from Xcel Energy and I quote, "Dear current resident, Our information system shows that we have no responsible party to bill energy service to at the address listed above. Please contact our Customer Service Department immediately if you wish to continue service at this address. If we do not receive a reply within 10 days from the date of notification, the energy service may be discontinued." What the F***?! This is what I get for living here and paying the electric bill religiously for 17 years??? Frankly you can't find a more responsible person when it comes to paying bills!!! I have ulcers from being so responsible! I resent that statement! What the hell. I might as well start being irresponsible if this is all the credit I get.



I made the mistake of saying, "what else?!" I should know better! I will keep you updated.

Waterfall Revelations (so named because of the revelations I have in the shower)

This is going to be brief because I have but a moment...

Have you ever had a dream where you meet someone and fall in love? They do those little things that mean so much. Those things that show that you are on their mind...They know your idiosyncrasies (like having to have the remotes lined up parallel next to each other on the coffee table and wiping the water stains off the sink and faucet)and they think they are cute? And in this dream, you have a months worth of dates and meetings and really get to know them? And you fall head over heels in love? Then you wake up and realize that you are heartbroken and you don't know why until bits and pieces of the dream begin coming back...and you really miss this fictitious person that you have only really spent hours of your sleep with????

Yeah, me neither....

Have a good day. I have to get back to studying.