A Hole in My Heart

I have a load of homework to do, but I feel like I have to get this off my chest because my heart is hurting.

After Jess was sent to Custer, Brian and I became proactive in preventive measures for her return. One of the actions we took was enrolling in a parenting class that is often required by DSS when parents would like their children in custody, returned to them. It was one of the best classes I have ever taken. Brian, too. It is Common Sense Parenting. The program is based on and the instructors are trained by Boy's Town. I would recommend it to all parents regardless if they are having parenting problems or not. It is $45 and Brian and I each got a copy of the book, Common Sense Parenting.

In one of the classes, we were given a sheet that showed us behaviors of children when raised in homes that are too strict, moderate, and too lenient. On that sheet of paper, I saw three children. Nick, Ben and Jess - in that order. We were never shown what to do once you already f@#$ed up and your kid is an adult.

I think of my children every day. But when I think of Nick, my heart drops. Raising Nick was tumultuous to say the least. He was so very angry from 5th grade on. I can think back to everything - the divorce, Brian and Jess coming into the family, holding him when he was a baby...the list goes on. At what point did I lose him?

I tried so hard with him. We went to three different counselors trying to find one that could help us. This kid is intelligent, but for some reason, he gave up on grades and turned instead to friends that were so unlike him, with the exception of their need to be different from the mainstream.

Graduation was a heartbreak. He didn't pass the classes needed in time to graduate. His diploma was empty at graduation and I was sad. It was too late to cancel, but I didn't want to throw him a reception. I didn't feel at all celebratory and he just kept jabbing me. One week or less before graduation he shaved his head. After graduation he had to attend summer classes to get the signed diploma. He was coming home at odd hours and gone a lot. He was fired from his job at Walgreens and I don't know what to believe happened there or at the next job. It was never Nick's fault. Nothing ever was. I was getting too stressed out about his behavior. At one point, I talked to Mike and told him that Nick could move in with him. Mike's agreement to that was done in such a way that Mike seemed to be laughing at me, implying that he wouldn't have any problems with Nick at all. That changed in about two weeks, when Nick began stopping over more and complaining about his dad - in the same way he complained about me. Mike also began admitting that Nick was a problem for him as well. He had found booze in Nick's car and we found out that Nick looking older than 18, was furnishing alcohol for high school kids.

Soon, Nick came forward and told me (because Mike said he would tell me if Nick didn't) that he got his first DUI. His dad bailed him out. Nick got an attorney and had the charge reduced to reckless driving. Nick didn't pay his fine, however, and soon warrants were issued for his arrest...

I fell into the trap this last July when Nick was picked up for another outstanding warrant for a traffic ticket. It was a Sunday. I got a call from Nick and he was in jail. He needed to be bailed out so he wouldn't lose his job for being in jail. He promised that he would pay me back. Of course, he paid part of it and I haven't seen him since.

I hurt. Nick didn't stop by to say good-bye before I moved away. I haven't spoken with him since the beginning of August. There is a hole in my heart and a yearning to reach out... I guess when I made the decision to move I thought that it might just help Nick. I know that I have been villified since he was in high school, so I thought if I left, it might help heal that wound that he seems to have where I am concerned. I was (and am) hoping that he will no longer have to rebel against someone who isn't in the same town. There is no longer a reason to feel guilty for not seeing me because I am too far away. I really hope that Nick will turn around. I worry about him. Maybe I am giving it too much thought. Regardless, I am his mother, full of guilt, worry, hope, grief...

Weather Or Not It Is Better in Two Harbors

Back in Sioux Falls, when I mentioned that I was moving to Two Harbors, people would tell me how cold it is here. They would tell me how awful the winters were. So, I decided to do a bit of research using historical averages. Okay you South Dakotans, here it is:

Two Harbors average January high temp is 22.5 as opposed to Sioux Falls' 25.2 degrees. However, The average January low temp is 5 degrees in Two Harbors and 2.9 in Sioux Falls. July temps in Sioux Falls average a high of 85.6 and a low of 60.3. In Two Harbors the July average high is 73.6 and low is 53.4.

I like the cool weather. I will gladly take a summer here over one in Sioux Falls any day. I just cannot tolerate the heat more than I cannot tolerate the cold.

My commute

I keep getting asked by people how the commute is from Two Harbors to UMD. It is horrid. Right after Two Harbors city limits I run into expressway. An expressway that is lined with trees on either side. There is no construction. On my left is Lake Superior, visible from the expressway beyond the forest. After this hideous view, the expressway ends and I am forced to drive on London Road. London Road is notorious for its rough characters of old. Robber Barron's, they were called. The financial gangsters of yesteryear. Such historic mansions exemplify the gains of those who took the chance to gamble on such new fangled things as railroads and coal and iron ore. Another I believe gambled on chickens. I believe it is Tyson. The gang symbols used on the great fence surrounding that gang turf are chickens. Mansion after mansion I pass until I hit 21st street. This is a lower class neighborhood that is home to smaller but also exquisite manses. Only through this route do I run into road construction. On Woodlawn avenue, I am forced to stop at stop signs, allowing me to have further inspection of the architecture of each abode.

So, while the rest of you are complaining about your commutes, think of poor me up here suffering up here with such hideous surroundings.

Just Get in and Drive

I remember when I first began driving. I would get in the car and drive. Nothing to it. That was it.

Then driving became something of a phobia. Yeah, probably after I rolled my car and purchased the subsequent crappy failing vehicles. I discovered a few things probably a lot faster than most other people without this kind of history.

First, accidents happen fast and at the most inopportune time. For me it was when my sister was in the hospital, my dad was out of town and I was on my way to a farm in NE instead of at the Fryn' Pan like I told my mom. I hit loose gravel and the car went out of control, rolled three times (they said) and landed in a ditch. I remember (and wrote a paper on) perception related to this experience. Helpless laughter as the car careened left, then right, then left, then right... It seemed the tiniest movement of the steering wheel yielded a greater response than anticipated. Looking at the speedometer. Then in slow, very slow motion, dirt, glass, dirt, reflection of the headlights against the weeds, unable to orient myself to what was happening, then stopped in a cloud of dust. I remember trying to start the car and grinding the starter. The engine was still going. I called for my friend. She called for me. We got out and began walking different directions. Then we found the road and headed towards the brightest lights we could see in the rural night sky. A yellow Monte Carlo approached and the man asked if we were okay. We didn't know. Yes, we needed a ride. We got in. If I recall correctly, he first drove to the accident site before taking us to the bar so we could call for help. (For the youngins, that was before the car phone was invented. Back in the day of the pay phone)
I didn't notice until after I got out of the car and he began brushing the dirt and glass off the seat that we must have been filthy with the dust, dirt and glass that flew at us. There was a group gasp when we walked into the bar. I could hear people's individual comments and one lady came over and helped us out. I now feel sorry for my mom taking the call telling her what happened. At the time, I was pretty miserable, suffering from welts and bruises and the loss of my cherished first car. I recall crying a lot for awhile. I was in disbelief for a few days afterwards.

After that car perished, it was quite awhile before I the next one. That was a fire engine red Dodge Dart with an iridescent dashboard. I purchased it for $500 from some kid from Sisseton that fixed it up himself. I am sure he chuckles about our buying that piece of work to this day. The circular marks from the buffer/sander on the cars finish should have been a big red light. The car was not reliable. Everytime I shut it off, it was likely a jump start would be needed to get it going again. When I took it to the garage to get a turn signal fixed, the mechanic laughed and said that I wouldn't want to put that much money into the car. One nice winter morning I scored a ticket and towing charge because I couldn't get it off the street before the police officer (also my neighbor a couple doors down) could ticket it. When I started it, that day, the throttle stuck to the floor and I thought it would explode it was revved so high. I don't know, nor do I care where that one went, but good riddance!

Regardless the piece of junk I owned, I never had confidence in the vehicles out on the highway. I was afraid of being stranded or losing control. If it was out of town, I didn't want to go unless someone else was driving, but still then, I couldn't relax until I was off the road and back on solid ground. Getting stranded in Omaha when the transmission failed didn't help matters. Bad roads felt like flat tires. What if a semi blew a tire in front of me? Gravel, forget it! Honestly, it wasn't until last fall, after about a month or so driving back and forth to Vermillion to complete my bachelor's that I became more comfortable driving. Still, it is never just get in and drive.