Sometimes, actually quite often, parents bring their children in for us to "fix". This is the problem in their family. This child is causing problems. In doing in-home therapy I get to see the dynamics. Especially when their guards are down. I see the "problem child" getting angry as a reaction to something perfectly understandable. I see the parents expecting this child to act better than the other children who are far less responsible or vulnerable. I see the mother refusing to show her daughter respect first, to model the respect she demands from her. I see the father being annoyed when the "problem child" is talking to him, but perfectly calm when the others talk to him. I see the defeat in these "problem children"'s eyes.
I see why they are cutting. And, no, mother of problem child, it isn't to make you mad. I wish I could shake the parents until their eyes open! But the parents are committed to their views. They are right. Problem child is wrong. They are good - problem child is bad. These problem children are stuck. The good things they do are never good enough. If they compare their treatment by their parents to the treatment of their siblings, the parents tell them to mind their own business. Same if they tell on the others. Yet when the tables are turned, the parents are open to the tattling of the siblings on the problem child - because it is congruent to their committed beliefs.
Where can these children go? What can they do? I see how hard they try and want to tell them to put blinders on and tread forward towards the good in them. And I see a lot of good in them. But I know it won't matter. Even a therapist cannot help. The parent is that committed.
