The willful child

Oy vey. More stepfamily shit.

Jessica was basically kicked out of Brandon High School for academic behavioral issues. She then went to East Dakota in Sioux Falls. This is where they send Brandon kids with such issues. She missed too much school and was kicked out of there. Today she was scheduled to do testing at Joe Foss, the school for kids not succeeding in Sioux Falls Schools. She purposefully failed those tests. Brian is ready to kill her. She wants what she wants when she wants it.

South Dakota passed a law stating that kids have to stay in school until they are 18. At Joe Foss, they told Brian that they just had a parent arrested because the kid wasn't in school. According to Joe Foss, she will have to go to Lincoln High unless Brandon accepts her as their student again. Brian just did the paperwork to have her transferred to the Sioux Falls district to go to Joe Foss. Jessica is refusing to go to Lincoln. I think she would enjoy seeing Brian in jail. She could have the house to herself and all her friends over. Volunteers of America has a program for GEDs that is free for kids from out of town schools. That is the only thing she is agreeing to do. We don't know yet, if Brandon will accept her back. If so, they may not agree to the GED thing. Schools get money for students enrolled in their district. She may not have a choice.

With her record, having been in DOC custody, if she is placed in JDC, she will likely go back into DOC custody. This would be good for Brian. He is tired of her crap. She said she wants to go into the service, but according to a phone call Brian made this morning, they do not accept GEDs. The only way they will accept this is if she goes into their GED program.

Last night I brought up Jessica World. This is the world where she can get a job easily, go somewhere where she doesn't have to work to get her GED and can do whatever she wants. I was trying to get her to nail down what she wants to do. She will be 18 in July and should be thinking about this. She got mad and asked why I was asking all these questions. She has always had people covering for her. Brian and I have always worked harder than she has to get her through school. Brandon allowed her to pass to the next grade without failing her from the time she was small. There would have been some social consequences if that happened, but it seemed necessary. Yet, it never happened. She is working right now at about a 5th grade level if that.

This is where it is.

Stepfamily stuff II

Parenting dysfunction the stepfamily way:

Parenting differences in intact families can impede upon the process itself. In intact families, you have two different parenting styles. This can cause conflict when one parent may be more lenient or uses different consequences. It is often difficult to agree on how to handle children.

Stepfamilies often differ in more emotionally charged ways for a number of reasons. One is my child vs. your child. It is only human to protect and provide for our own children. When another person's child comes into the picture on a permanent basis, there is a difference in how we treat another's child. We may expect more from our own children. We have rules that have existed before the blending that work for our family. This other child and parent may not feel these rules should apply to them. It is new. It is different. Perhaps Dad only sees his child every other weekend. He doesn't think that his child should have to be involved in the Saturday morning cleaning routine. He doesn't want his child to hate coming, so perhaps this child is excluded from the chores aspect of family life. He says his child didn't contribute to the mess, so shouldn't have to clean it up. This child is spending Saturday mornings watching cartoons while Mom's children are doing the cleaning and resenting Dad's child for living the good life. Friction between the children = friction between the parents.

Bedtime:

When Jessica came into our family, she had no set bedtime. Whenever she fell asleep in front of the t.v. was her bedtime. My children who were older had set bedtimes. During the week it was 9 pm and on the weekends, it was 10. This posed a problem. Do we change my children's bedtimes or hers? Since she was younger, to me it made sense to change hers. Brian, on the other hand felt I was too strict. It was difficult for my children to be in bed knowing that this younger child was up late. Although we discussed this issue between us, it took quite some time to resolve it. I think Brian began to recognize the benefits of having time without the children before we went to bed and began to require her to have a set bedtime as well. Prior to that, I had to ask him to require her to leave the boys alone when it was their bedtime.

The sense of belonging:

If rules are different for one child than the others, it impedes upon a child's sense of belonging. Although kids will not naturally ask to have chores like everyone else, it does give them the sense that they are part of the organism of family at that residence.

There is no denying the guilt of the parent who has visitation. Brian went from being the primary caregiver of his daughter to being the part-time father. This was devastating. To top it off, Jessica's mother was telling her that her dad had a new family and didn't care about her anymore. The courts are slow in recognizing the impact of emotional and psychological abuse. They are also slow in recognizing that not all mothers are maternal or primary caregivers.

Stepfamily stuff...

So, it sounds like therapists and agencies are hungry for the latest information on therapy with stepfamilies. Having realized the problem of few helpful resources for stepfamilies, I thought it would be a good specialty to go into. I have been surprised, however at the lack of information available for someone who intends to pursue the sport of addressing stepfamily issues.

I know a small piece of what my stepfamily is. I understand the dynamics and the need to be accepted by the rest of the world. There are my children, his child, their interactions, my interactions with my children, with his child, our relationship, my parents, my siblings, his parents, my ex-husband, his ex-wife, their parents... That is merely the family corner if you look from a systems approach.

The systems approach sees people from the perspective of all their interactions in their environment. There is the family system, the school system, employment, community, close friends, etc. All of these interact and have an effect on each other. A good way to describe this is with a mobile. If you move one piece of a mobile, the other pieces all move as well.

Our society looks at family from the nuclear family perspective. A mother, a father and the children. Although there is no handbook on how to raise your family, there are traditional roles played by the members. The parents are the authority figures, bring home the bacon and split the resources accordingly. The children say, "that's not fair!" when resources are not distributed to their liking and tend to argue and play with each other.

A stepfamily is different. Mom's new friend comes over occasionally at first and then after awhile, may move in or marry her. The children develop a relationship of friendship with this person until the unspeakable happens: He moves in. The resources including finances, food, space and time are all askew. If he has children, the situation escalates to that of a haphazard blended concoction. Everyone wants it all to work out, but looking from the systems approach, the adjustments ripple through every aspect of their lives. In the most well-meaning of families, this is difficult. Throw in a couple of cups of antagonism from former spouses and the result is a vile explosive mixture.

More later!

Working Curtains

Well, the curtains worked. They are hanging, blowing gently in the cool breeze and much more welcoming than the clanking vertical blinds that I moved to the other side of the window. I got plum and gold. They warm the apartment up a lot. Feathering my nest always seems to help me feel better.

Kim stays with me on Thursday nights. She is from Brainerd and is also an MSW student. We are pretty close friends and found we have so much in common. It is good to talk to her and understand and delve a bit further into the crazy that engulfs me. She normalizes and validates and that helps a lot.

One thing that my therapist used to tell me was, "If you think you're crazy, you're not". I use that quite a bit with people - mainly friends so far - that feel they are losing it. It is actually quite logical, because those who act "crazy" thinking they are normal have probably really lost it.

The alzheimer's beast haunts me here. I go to the table to pick up a package that needs to be thrown away but by the time I get there, I grab the picture frame and wonder what I am doing with it. Perhaps a stupid mindless thing, but nothing seems small when it comes to forgetting anymore.

I laughed. I almost fell down this morning. Kim's husband texted her the message, "Cloudy, windy, foggy, rainy". She told me this prior to my first cup o' joe. I turned and said, "Sounds like a bunch of strippers." She and I both laughed hard at that one. I surprised myself that I could respond so quickly in the morning. Her husband is away on a photo seminar in South Dakota. I needed a laugh.

The leaves are changing into their fall wardrobe here. Reds, yellows oranges are vibrant against the greens that are more stubborn about shedding their summer garb. I love this time of year. Time to get the camera out.

Writing Down my Crazy

I awoke in the middle of the night. The bladder tells the brain to wake up to go to the bathroom, but the brain, like an infant decides regardless what the clock says, it is time to play.

My brain decided to question its own sanity. That's recursive and a downward spiral. Am I going nuts? Am I borderline?

This summer was toxic and painful for me. Brian and Jess did well in convincing me that all was fine until I returned. That didn't help with the sanity. I had to come back here and reunite with sanity to realize that it probably wasn't me. I cried a lot. Belinda and Darcy were going to come see me until all hell broke loose. Kim was contemplating a trip to Sioux Falls - we both decided it would be better if she didn't. I didn't get to see my children - Ben briefly, but not long enough. I feel so much guilt and pain. How much did I sacrifice not just this summer but over the past 10 years because of them? How much could I have stopped? If I think about this, I will drive myself nuts because I can't change it. I can only change the future.

I can't write fast enough to keep up with the thoughts that are racing through my mind. I spoke with Kim this morning and she reassured me that I am not crazy or borderline. Yet, I think of all my emotions that seem to take over my life. I am very weak right now.

My weak state means that I have to avoid certain things that will bring me to my knees. Sometimes that means not reading my dad's blog about my mom's disease and that heart-wrenching pain. I know that I need to know this. I know that my dad is hurting and has no escape from the pain. He reaches out through his blog, and I feel like I just can't right now. I can't do it. I have no strength to offer. But I did this morning and am sitting in Niagara Falls right now.

How do people do it? I know that I am very sensitive. Since I was little I would put myself in other peoples' shoes. I would turn red and be near tears when the teacher would intimidate another child. I probably took it worse than that kid! This sensitivity has led me to the path I am taking in my career. I can empathize with others very naturally. The downside is my emotional life. I live with feelings that I need to get away from.

After I went back to sleep, my dreams were strange. My ex-husband was dead, there were bees everywhere that Nick was trying to kill, and someone left a fetus in my flower pot. I have to get new curtains. Maybe that will help.

As if it wasn't bad enough...

Last night Brian had a friend stay over. This friend has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship and a child from his current. He was seeking refuge from his girlfriend (current relationship) and was drunk when he got here. Nothing like a third person to let me know no matter what, I am wrong and have no rights - even in my own home.

I am not trying to control how he raises her. The rights I try to assert are that I not be called a f@#$ing "c" word in my own home, that I not be verbally assaulted when I am doing a favor they asked me to do and that my home not be destroyed. Perhaps that is asking a lot. I dropped the rope on the parenting a long time ago - not my kid. I am simply seeking my own rights as an adult in a home I own.

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be stepmoms...

If they find me dead, look for the presence of heavy metals. Otherwise, it's just a bleeding ulcer

The Dreaded Trip to the Doctor's Office

I love my doctor.

Today I went in for my dreaded yearly physical. She asked if there was anything new or anything that I wanted to talk about. I brought up my mother's Alzheimer's diagnosis and my foot problems. She asked me questions that seemed relevant. A few that I fumbled on were remembering the date, the season and if I ever have problems with remembering what I had for supper the night before. I also fumbled on the asking questions over and over. I have been catching myself doing that, but thankfully, still catching myself. I have difficulty with words and have been spelling things the way they sound but catch that as well. I forget the names of common items and it drives me crazy. She thinks my lack of sleep could be affecting my memory. I hope that is it. I haven't had a good night's sleep in forever. She wants me to try Ambien, but I am reluctant due to the addictive nature of sleeping pills. They were out of samples anyway...

Speaking with my siblings, I realize that it must be the nature of Betty's offspring, if not all the family members of the afflicted, to become newly alarmed at forgetfulness. That makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in this, yet I still feel selfish asking the doctor about it. I feel guilty. Mom couldn't get a jump on hers. They can do genetic testing. I am waiting to hear whom to call regarding this set up. I don't know about scans, if it would be too early to reveal anything about it. If I can get a jump on the monster, I want to. I would rather die quickly and with dignity and without losing my mind first.

I hate that damned disease. I hate that my mom has it. I don't want anyone else to have it. I feel for my father who has to live with his wife so physically healthy and drifting away little by little in the most painful ways.

Anyway, I also found out that I have Morton's neuroma. It is a thickening of the nerve tissue between the toes. I have severe pain from wearing shoes - any kind of shoe. Probably all the waitressing and other standing jobs affected my feet. Until the time and money birds poop on my doorstep, I will deal.

After the dr. office, I visited the optometrist. My eyelids feel like there is something on the inside of the upper lids. Not so. My eyes are rough and infected where my eyelids touch. They really want to close, though homework stress tries to keep them open. I got eyedrops. Whee! Oh, and one of my prescriptions is $700 dollars. I don't know if I will fill it again.

Thank You Darcy

I got a call this morning from Belinda. Seems her daughter is antsy and wants to go for a road trip. So, they want to come here! I'm glad about that! I can't wait. I know that things can change, but I look forward to this visit! We have not seen each other since our little trip last summer on our way to visiting Jess in Custer. We stopped in Wall and had lunch. Maybe we can take a trip to...? Where? I am taking recommendations for ideas for day trips if anyone has any ideas...

The Stepmother Saga

"I'm mad!" I say.

"I know" he says.

"NO! I'm mad at both of you!"

Then begins the tirade. The stepmom stepping on the father's toes. I tell him that I can shut up anymore! I'm too mad. There is a cycle going on that I can clearly see, but he, for some reason, cannot!

As usual, he is mad at me for being mad at him. This is the pattern. This is the crap that I put up with. He has been doing this since the beginning. He will hold a grudge with me for a long time.

He gets mad at her for 5 minutes, mad at me for years. That is the way it has been. She has a curfew of 11:00. She doesn't come home all night. He tells her she is grounded. From what?, I wonder... She goes out the very next night. He says he is going her phone away, but doesn't. At 11:30 one night, she goes up to ask him if she can go out (A car is waiting outside for her). They are shouting up there. She leaves with a smile on her face and doesn't come back until 6 a.m. or so. She brings him coffee and makes him breakfast. She stays in one night and then back to the same thing over and over and over again. She claims she is so stressed out that she can't stay home. Hmm... Sounds like she wants to go out and is using every excuse to make him feel sorry for her so she can do so.

Today I tell him that I am not a person derives happiness from saying, "I told you so!". I'm not. I tell him that finding her dead in a ditch somewhere is not the time to say, "I should have..." This child is running wild. She stops here to sleep occasionally and use her dad to buy her clothes, make-up and whatever she wants and takes off again. She single-handedly messes up the house and leaves it. I have tried to leave it for her to clean, but inevitably someone is coming over and I have to break down and clean it up. She has no set chores. She doesn't earn any privileges, just acquires them.

I know I was a strict mom. With Nick, I think I was too strict. With Ben a little better, but he allowed that. He was honest. I am trying to get to the point where I can honestly not care about her anymore, or Brian, but why can't I get there?! What is it that is tearing me up on the inside? that drives me nuts about the whole situation? Why can't I just leave it alone and shut my mouth and not be as upset as I am? I keep thinking that he will reach a point where he says, "that's enough!" but it is going to take a lot! I am seeing a destructive pattern here.

Tell me, what do I do? How do I cope with this?! I really want to go back up north and sever these ties. I've thought about it. I've secluded myself up in the bedroom so I don't have to be around it.

Sorry, Mom, but there are reasons I am not marrying him.

I also got my iPod stolen. She let some guy in here that she doesn't know well, "to use the bathroom" and my iPod and Brian's headphones disappeared. Her iPod also disappeared when this stranger said he would charge it for her. He said someone stole it from him. She said that she feels so bad about it that when the guy pays her back for it, she will buy her dad new headphones. I am invisible. Worthless.

When women become stepmoms they, like zombies, should have their mouths filled with salt and their lips sewn shut.