Looking Up?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I have so many superstitions. One of mine is acknowledging the positive after the negatives have pounded me into the ground. I am afraid that it will be contradicted. Here I will throw caution to the wind and say that today is going well.

My supervisor used the words "freaking awesome" to describe the database that I created for her. Apparently it is quite timely as well. Meeting today to discuss the current system. That felt good.

There is a diversity summit tomorrow and I suggested and arranged for two speakers to present. Communication has been sparse at best. I just received an e-mail from one of the speakers stating they got together and reviewed information, spoke to the coordinator and are ready to go! Such relief. I was fearing their absence and cringing for that impact. Not so. It is ready to roll and my work is done on that!

Today my iPad is supposed to arrive. In total, it departed China twice, Hong Kong once, went to Alaska, Kentucky, Minneapolis, Eagan, MN, and now it is out for delivery. I am like a little kid looking out the window to see if UPS is out there. I am afraid to shower and look out the window before I even go to the bathroom. Hurry! I am certain that all my troubles will disappear upon its arrival!

Some days...

Sunday and yesterday were tough.

I admit it. I told Brian's parents about the women. I was beyond the bad place that I have been finding myself in lately. I feel so bad. Yesterday he called and he was angry with me and wanted to know why.

I'm tired of hiding the truth. I'm tired of putting on that happy face and acting like everything is going great for his benefit. I am angry, sad, devastated, relieved, tormented, depressed, hopeless, lonely, motivated, paranoid, strong, etc. I cannot predict when I will feel what. When you don't have time off between relationships, you don't have to feel that. He doesn't get why I am like this yet he keeps saving himself from going through this. He doesn't realize that I moved up here because we love it up here and were thinking about living up here together. I was putting one joint foot forward for us. Now I am alone without even a dog. I have friends, but they have families and friends and busy lives. Now that he has another woman visiting my house, petting my dogs, sleeping in my bed he cannot understand why I go through all this and feel betrayed and alone. His life is an exclamation point right now. Mine is a question mark.

My self-esteem is suffering. I'm trying with self-talk to pull myself up. Valentines Day was hard. I try to tell myself that I have done this before, but I had a good support system at work and at home. I had my kids and we would do things together and have a good time with just us. It really seems harder this time.

I think about the hell I went through every time I went back to Sioux Falls since I have been up here. It is pure insanity. I do feel healthier here without that. I'm sure my blood pressure is better here.

Yesterday I was going to spend my night wooing myself with a life list. The last time I did that, so many things on the list came true. I thought it would be better than wallowing in my loneliness. Not long after I got the notebook out to do so, the phone rang and it was Brian. No list. More tears. He just doesn't get it.

Tired

Okay. I was halfway expecting the topper to my shit sandwich...

Today I got up at 5:30 to work on homework. I was going to be good and work diligently on finishing my paper for Clinical class. However, my computer began making sounds. I said a little prayer and hooked it up to the back-up drive. No luck. It refused to work long enough to back up everything I did today.

I spoke with Eric and found out what I needed to know to get a new hard drive. I pulled into Best Buy shortly after 10 only to find they were out of internal hard drives for laptops. What in the world!?! They were also out of Snow Leopard except for the $50 family pack. I asked where I could find these. He recommended the UMD Bookstore. I called there and the computer corner wasn't open, but they said they could go down and get what I needed. When I arrived, they said they couldn't help me. The look on my face must have plead otherwise, because several phone calls were made and I got the hard drive and the software.

I came back home and tried repeatedly to install the hard drive. First one rubber guide came off, then another! I could not get the blasted thing in there. Several Kleenex later, I called Best Buy and asked if their Geeks could help. They said they could have a look. I drove back out there and sure enough, he got it in on the first try. I have no idea how he could have done that when I tried all afternoon! But, will not argue. Finally I could begin the process of recovering everything from the back-up drive. After I looked up at the clock, it was 7:30. I spent the whole day on this project and hadn't even begun my homework!

There is a reason I have a Munch's "Scream" mug!

I don't get the Karma thing. I have helped so many people this past week and this is what I get? I hope I am getting Karma rewards points for all the bad things that have happened. Please?! If so, I think this past week has racked them up for a year or more. Or should I maintain flinch position?

I hate this...

I just got done talking to Brian. He says that there is no way that he can pay any more for a house payment that what he is right now. So, that means that I won't get the money out of the house until he sells it.

The problem with selling it is that he is blind to the mess he and his daughter create. The house when "cleaned" to their specifications is awful. When I had the realtor come through he made a few points about the house and getting it ready to sell. First of all, he said to get Brian and Jess out. He didn't think that it would sell while they were there with all the clutter. He also said that it would be difficult to sell with the dogs there. There are also a number of things that need to be fixed before it could go on the market.

Brian did not have any time to do any work on the house when I was there over Christmas. Now with a girlfriend and a busy social life, when will he have time to do this?

So many questions race through my mind. Did he have this planned all along? Get rid of me, get his name on the title, and not sell it. He bought a new vehicle in October. This could be why he doesn't have any money?

I don't know what to do. Keep an eye out for refrigerator boxes for me. I don't know how I will be able to afford a home now.

Ow!

So much has happened through Grad School.

I really feel as if I have grown. I have met people that I hope to stay in contact with for a very long time. I met a really great person and great friend, Kim. There have been many good things that have happened.

Somedays it is difficult to think of that. Right now I am far away from home. Where I came from, I cannot return. I can only go forward. There are so many scary things to face alone.

It is an adventure that I am embarking on. Like all good adventures, there is risk. What if I don't find a job? What if I can't find a place to live that I can afford? What if, what if, what if...

To top it all off, I have permanently ended things with Brian. After almost 11 years, I stopped waiting for him to decide and now I decided. Despite the affairs and the lies and the distance, it is hard. We have many years of memories. He fit well into the family and loves everyone.

I look forward to living with much less stress, but think about the years I wasted and the impact the relationship with Brian and Jess had on mine with my boys. Those were some of the worst years of my life. Perhaps I will write a book someday. Not now. I have journal after journal with tear warped pages of all the hurt. When it was good, it was very good. When it was bad it was excruciating.

I worry, as single women of my age do, about not having anyone to spend the rest of my life with. I am afraid to get out there again, yet afraid not to. I hate dating. I would love to have a guy to hold hands with and share witticisms with. Someone this time without baggage steeped in insanity.

My son is leaving for boot camp in the Navy in about a month. He is in for 4 years. That tears me apart. He is a good kid and damn, will I miss him. I hope he is safe.

Then there is Mom. I am so far away, yet the pain is still close and real. It's no fair. I get angry, depressed and cry with pain at what is happening. Dammit! This isn't the way it is supposed to be.

So, the OCD roared back today. The thoughts of going nuts and having to control that by cleaning the house, organizing the paperwork and such. So many things are out of my control. I feel really alone sometimes. Although I know friends are a phone call away, I don't want to burden anyone with this. I know how consuming it is to me, and most people can't take other people's pain. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone...

I have homework all over the place. Lots of due dates coming up. Graduation coming up. Need to get a job. Get my LGSW. So much. Find a place to live. Right now it all seems so be all up in the air. Disorganized and out of control. It is difficult to feel sane right now. As my therapist once told me, if I think I am going crazy, I'm not. Because if I were, I would not know I was. Think further into it... Nah. I don't want to bring anyone here with me.

What is it About an Intoxicated Mentally Unstable 17-Year Old Girl Holding a 9 mm Handgun That Makes Me Nervous?

I am glad I am back in Duluth.

I don't want to talk about what happened in Sioux Falls. About Jessica dropping out of school, staying out all night, drinking, hurting the ones that love her most. I don't want to talk about Brian's attempts to corral her behavior, followed quickly by his just wanting her to go away after she brought him emotionally to his knees, and his eventually apathy and subsequent depression. I don't want to mention that I told her to NEVER AGAIN, when angry with me, say the words that hurt me most and how she did it anyway and I told her that was IT- I couldn't do it anymore.

I don't want to talk about how her Facebook profile picture of her standing holding a 9 mm handgun with a mixed drink beside her bothers me and makes me afraid for Brian's life and glad I am not there...

I contacted a realtor. At this point, I don't think I care how much the sale of the house will provide. I just want them out of it, and that responsibility off my back. Self-preservation. I want my dogs with me. I think what Brian does at this point is his life. He needs to get the house fixed up to sell. A stager is coming through to tell him what needs to be done to sell. So far it doesn't seem like much to do, just painting and cleaning.

So, I am winding up that chapter of my life. The best part is that I have probably found my calling in life. I presented on stepfamilies for Northern Pines. Afterwards, many of the people there came up to me with specific questions on their situations or clients. Perhaps that nearly 11 years of my life has not been in vain.

Baby's First Speaking Engagement

Well, the call came this evening. From Northern Pines Mental Health. They want me to speak on stepfamilies.

With my most recent adventures I hardly feel like a success. My relationship with Brian is all but deteriorated. Jessica is off drinking, smoking and refusing to go to school. When telling Brian of my thoughts on my failure in light of this speaking engagement, he disagreed. He feels that Jessica has given me soooo... much experience with stepfamilies that I should be more than qualified to speak on the subject.

The willful child

Oy vey. More stepfamily shit.

Jessica was basically kicked out of Brandon High School for academic behavioral issues. She then went to East Dakota in Sioux Falls. This is where they send Brandon kids with such issues. She missed too much school and was kicked out of there. Today she was scheduled to do testing at Joe Foss, the school for kids not succeeding in Sioux Falls Schools. She purposefully failed those tests. Brian is ready to kill her. She wants what she wants when she wants it.

South Dakota passed a law stating that kids have to stay in school until they are 18. At Joe Foss, they told Brian that they just had a parent arrested because the kid wasn't in school. According to Joe Foss, she will have to go to Lincoln High unless Brandon accepts her as their student again. Brian just did the paperwork to have her transferred to the Sioux Falls district to go to Joe Foss. Jessica is refusing to go to Lincoln. I think she would enjoy seeing Brian in jail. She could have the house to herself and all her friends over. Volunteers of America has a program for GEDs that is free for kids from out of town schools. That is the only thing she is agreeing to do. We don't know yet, if Brandon will accept her back. If so, they may not agree to the GED thing. Schools get money for students enrolled in their district. She may not have a choice.

With her record, having been in DOC custody, if she is placed in JDC, she will likely go back into DOC custody. This would be good for Brian. He is tired of her crap. She said she wants to go into the service, but according to a phone call Brian made this morning, they do not accept GEDs. The only way they will accept this is if she goes into their GED program.

Last night I brought up Jessica World. This is the world where she can get a job easily, go somewhere where she doesn't have to work to get her GED and can do whatever she wants. I was trying to get her to nail down what she wants to do. She will be 18 in July and should be thinking about this. She got mad and asked why I was asking all these questions. She has always had people covering for her. Brian and I have always worked harder than she has to get her through school. Brandon allowed her to pass to the next grade without failing her from the time she was small. There would have been some social consequences if that happened, but it seemed necessary. Yet, it never happened. She is working right now at about a 5th grade level if that.

This is where it is.

Stepfamily stuff II

Parenting dysfunction the stepfamily way:

Parenting differences in intact families can impede upon the process itself. In intact families, you have two different parenting styles. This can cause conflict when one parent may be more lenient or uses different consequences. It is often difficult to agree on how to handle children.

Stepfamilies often differ in more emotionally charged ways for a number of reasons. One is my child vs. your child. It is only human to protect and provide for our own children. When another person's child comes into the picture on a permanent basis, there is a difference in how we treat another's child. We may expect more from our own children. We have rules that have existed before the blending that work for our family. This other child and parent may not feel these rules should apply to them. It is new. It is different. Perhaps Dad only sees his child every other weekend. He doesn't think that his child should have to be involved in the Saturday morning cleaning routine. He doesn't want his child to hate coming, so perhaps this child is excluded from the chores aspect of family life. He says his child didn't contribute to the mess, so shouldn't have to clean it up. This child is spending Saturday mornings watching cartoons while Mom's children are doing the cleaning and resenting Dad's child for living the good life. Friction between the children = friction between the parents.

Bedtime:

When Jessica came into our family, she had no set bedtime. Whenever she fell asleep in front of the t.v. was her bedtime. My children who were older had set bedtimes. During the week it was 9 pm and on the weekends, it was 10. This posed a problem. Do we change my children's bedtimes or hers? Since she was younger, to me it made sense to change hers. Brian, on the other hand felt I was too strict. It was difficult for my children to be in bed knowing that this younger child was up late. Although we discussed this issue between us, it took quite some time to resolve it. I think Brian began to recognize the benefits of having time without the children before we went to bed and began to require her to have a set bedtime as well. Prior to that, I had to ask him to require her to leave the boys alone when it was their bedtime.

The sense of belonging:

If rules are different for one child than the others, it impedes upon a child's sense of belonging. Although kids will not naturally ask to have chores like everyone else, it does give them the sense that they are part of the organism of family at that residence.

There is no denying the guilt of the parent who has visitation. Brian went from being the primary caregiver of his daughter to being the part-time father. This was devastating. To top it off, Jessica's mother was telling her that her dad had a new family and didn't care about her anymore. The courts are slow in recognizing the impact of emotional and psychological abuse. They are also slow in recognizing that not all mothers are maternal or primary caregivers.

Stepfamily stuff...

So, it sounds like therapists and agencies are hungry for the latest information on therapy with stepfamilies. Having realized the problem of few helpful resources for stepfamilies, I thought it would be a good specialty to go into. I have been surprised, however at the lack of information available for someone who intends to pursue the sport of addressing stepfamily issues.

I know a small piece of what my stepfamily is. I understand the dynamics and the need to be accepted by the rest of the world. There are my children, his child, their interactions, my interactions with my children, with his child, our relationship, my parents, my siblings, his parents, my ex-husband, his ex-wife, their parents... That is merely the family corner if you look from a systems approach.

The systems approach sees people from the perspective of all their interactions in their environment. There is the family system, the school system, employment, community, close friends, etc. All of these interact and have an effect on each other. A good way to describe this is with a mobile. If you move one piece of a mobile, the other pieces all move as well.

Our society looks at family from the nuclear family perspective. A mother, a father and the children. Although there is no handbook on how to raise your family, there are traditional roles played by the members. The parents are the authority figures, bring home the bacon and split the resources accordingly. The children say, "that's not fair!" when resources are not distributed to their liking and tend to argue and play with each other.

A stepfamily is different. Mom's new friend comes over occasionally at first and then after awhile, may move in or marry her. The children develop a relationship of friendship with this person until the unspeakable happens: He moves in. The resources including finances, food, space and time are all askew. If he has children, the situation escalates to that of a haphazard blended concoction. Everyone wants it all to work out, but looking from the systems approach, the adjustments ripple through every aspect of their lives. In the most well-meaning of families, this is difficult. Throw in a couple of cups of antagonism from former spouses and the result is a vile explosive mixture.

More later!