Meh

I wish school was over. Sick of the homework and sicker of myself procrastinating. There is an end in sight. But... Nevermind.

Ben is off in the Navy's possession. I spoke with him for the last time before he was sequestered from civilians yesterday. He's so grown up. I already miss him.

House papers signed and ready to go on the market. Good realtor this time. They know how to market a home. Brian's been working his ass off to get it ready, as well he should. No anger there of course. His girlfriend has been helping. Bless her little heart.

Stunt Ande is here. She has taken my place to continue with fewer emotions. The last two days should have been emotional but were flat. Good? Who knows. (Stuff, stuff, stuff...)

Needing something to look forward to.

Harrumph!

Muddling Through the Mire

I suppose a part of me is embarrassed to write about this. I think we all go through it occasionally in our lives.

Depression set in with an overwhelming plop. I am sure much of it is situational, some could be hereditary and some could be seasonal. Grieving the loss of an almost 11 year relationship is tough. Being away from my family and support system is also tough. Having other things at home go wrong is also hard. Pile that on with a smattering of graduate school homework, and I got behind, overwhelmed and more depressed. I try to shield most from it and put on my happy face. But I am glad that I am getting help.

Help consists of a counselor at school who admits I am his oldest client (ever). At least I can joke and say I have to pick my therapist up at daycare. I also made a good attempt at trying to add a booster antidepressant on to my current one. That was laughable - at least I think so. I feel like "the story of my life..." ends up much the way this attempt did. Let me explain...

I finally did the inevitable and asked for something more. The doctor gave me a thorough exam including a neurological exam that left me late for my therapy session. She did not want to prescribe anything without getting my records from Sioux Falls. Oy vey. So I filled out all the requests and she gave me a prescription for a "booster" antidepressant. It was something I had already had so no big deal, or so I thought. She told me to call her if I had any unusual symptoms like heart racing, seizures, etc. I didn't expect anything, but should have known my depression wasn't going to give up that easily...

Within an hour of taking my first booster pill, I became very shaky. Since I wasn't expecting any reaction, I thought it was because I had been out running errands all day without eating. So I ate and tried to lay down. My heart began racing late in the night. I called the dr.'s office that morning and they said she was out all day, but that she usually checks her messages. I began experiencing other symptoms that were scaring me. My muscles were tightening up and I became weak. I was scared. No call. Must be a normal reaction, but this wasn't right. I wasn't going to take another pill.

Two days later I got a call from the doctor. She apologized for not getting back to me. I am guessing she either didn't get or didn't check her messages. By the time she called me, I was experiencing acute agitation and emotional crap. I continued to have symptoms into the weekend. Monday she called again to ask how I was doing and said that she wanted to check my vitals. I told her that I had an appt at the clinic for Wednesday. She said she would see me then.

I waited forever to get in to see the dr. The paper I held that I was supposed to give to the nurse said, BP, nurse check. So, after waiting 25 minutes, I went to the desk and asked if I could just check my blood pressure at Walgreens and call it in. They called up to the nurse and she came immediately. When I did get in to talk to the dr., she informed me that I had experienced serotonin syndrome. When I looked it up on pubmed, it states, "a potentially life threatening drug reaction..." Great. I try not to get too excited about my symptoms, always fearing hypochondria lurking in my depths but I guess I should have acted more quickly. The doctor also informed me that she had a consultation with the nurses there on how I should have been seen immediately for my symptoms. Good to know - NOW!

The good news is that I should be out of the woods. I have an appointment next week so they can do blood work and make sure there is no organ damage. That always makes a person confident in their medical treatment.

So goes the resounding theme in my life. I am down. I signal for help and the big ship that should be coming to my rescue, runs over me. At least I can laugh about it - I think....

Diversity thingamabob

Turned out to be a pretty good day.

Today was the big summit. Kim and I worked at the registration tables until 10:00. I met and remet many people. There was a photographer there who does photos of various populations. He has them with chalkboards telling the world what or who they are. That was interesting.

The presentation that I organized was a hit! Not only did my presenters show, their boss and a few cohorts did as well! It was freaking amazing! It was the first of all the sessions to reach capacity (and then some!) After the session people spent a great deal of time speaking with all of the Integration Specialists. One of them gave me a hug, too! Much needed. Many kudos on this idea and arranging them to speak. :)

Our class also met with the keynote speaker. Sometimes I wonder when I am at a presentation, why the speaker looks at me so much. Also when I'm in class and a question is answered, why do people look at me when answering?

I got my iPad last night at about 6:30. I haven't had much time to play with it yet. Can't wait! Apps are awaiting. I used it today to take notes at some of the sessions. People were whispering behind me... My friends were jealous. I used to like that, but not so much anymore. I don't know why.

Looking Up?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I have so many superstitions. One of mine is acknowledging the positive after the negatives have pounded me into the ground. I am afraid that it will be contradicted. Here I will throw caution to the wind and say that today is going well.

My supervisor used the words "freaking awesome" to describe the database that I created for her. Apparently it is quite timely as well. Meeting today to discuss the current system. That felt good.

There is a diversity summit tomorrow and I suggested and arranged for two speakers to present. Communication has been sparse at best. I just received an e-mail from one of the speakers stating they got together and reviewed information, spoke to the coordinator and are ready to go! Such relief. I was fearing their absence and cringing for that impact. Not so. It is ready to roll and my work is done on that!

Today my iPad is supposed to arrive. In total, it departed China twice, Hong Kong once, went to Alaska, Kentucky, Minneapolis, Eagan, MN, and now it is out for delivery. I am like a little kid looking out the window to see if UPS is out there. I am afraid to shower and look out the window before I even go to the bathroom. Hurry! I am certain that all my troubles will disappear upon its arrival!

Some days...

Sunday and yesterday were tough.

I admit it. I told Brian's parents about the women. I was beyond the bad place that I have been finding myself in lately. I feel so bad. Yesterday he called and he was angry with me and wanted to know why.

I'm tired of hiding the truth. I'm tired of putting on that happy face and acting like everything is going great for his benefit. I am angry, sad, devastated, relieved, tormented, depressed, hopeless, lonely, motivated, paranoid, strong, etc. I cannot predict when I will feel what. When you don't have time off between relationships, you don't have to feel that. He doesn't get why I am like this yet he keeps saving himself from going through this. He doesn't realize that I moved up here because we love it up here and were thinking about living up here together. I was putting one joint foot forward for us. Now I am alone without even a dog. I have friends, but they have families and friends and busy lives. Now that he has another woman visiting my house, petting my dogs, sleeping in my bed he cannot understand why I go through all this and feel betrayed and alone. His life is an exclamation point right now. Mine is a question mark.

My self-esteem is suffering. I'm trying with self-talk to pull myself up. Valentines Day was hard. I try to tell myself that I have done this before, but I had a good support system at work and at home. I had my kids and we would do things together and have a good time with just us. It really seems harder this time.

I think about the hell I went through every time I went back to Sioux Falls since I have been up here. It is pure insanity. I do feel healthier here without that. I'm sure my blood pressure is better here.

Yesterday I was going to spend my night wooing myself with a life list. The last time I did that, so many things on the list came true. I thought it would be better than wallowing in my loneliness. Not long after I got the notebook out to do so, the phone rang and it was Brian. No list. More tears. He just doesn't get it.

Tired

Okay. I was halfway expecting the topper to my shit sandwich...

Today I got up at 5:30 to work on homework. I was going to be good and work diligently on finishing my paper for Clinical class. However, my computer began making sounds. I said a little prayer and hooked it up to the back-up drive. No luck. It refused to work long enough to back up everything I did today.

I spoke with Eric and found out what I needed to know to get a new hard drive. I pulled into Best Buy shortly after 10 only to find they were out of internal hard drives for laptops. What in the world!?! They were also out of Snow Leopard except for the $50 family pack. I asked where I could find these. He recommended the UMD Bookstore. I called there and the computer corner wasn't open, but they said they could go down and get what I needed. When I arrived, they said they couldn't help me. The look on my face must have plead otherwise, because several phone calls were made and I got the hard drive and the software.

I came back home and tried repeatedly to install the hard drive. First one rubber guide came off, then another! I could not get the blasted thing in there. Several Kleenex later, I called Best Buy and asked if their Geeks could help. They said they could have a look. I drove back out there and sure enough, he got it in on the first try. I have no idea how he could have done that when I tried all afternoon! But, will not argue. Finally I could begin the process of recovering everything from the back-up drive. After I looked up at the clock, it was 7:30. I spent the whole day on this project and hadn't even begun my homework!

There is a reason I have a Munch's "Scream" mug!

I don't get the Karma thing. I have helped so many people this past week and this is what I get? I hope I am getting Karma rewards points for all the bad things that have happened. Please?! If so, I think this past week has racked them up for a year or more. Or should I maintain flinch position?

I hate this...

I just got done talking to Brian. He says that there is no way that he can pay any more for a house payment that what he is right now. So, that means that I won't get the money out of the house until he sells it.

The problem with selling it is that he is blind to the mess he and his daughter create. The house when "cleaned" to their specifications is awful. When I had the realtor come through he made a few points about the house and getting it ready to sell. First of all, he said to get Brian and Jess out. He didn't think that it would sell while they were there with all the clutter. He also said that it would be difficult to sell with the dogs there. There are also a number of things that need to be fixed before it could go on the market.

Brian did not have any time to do any work on the house when I was there over Christmas. Now with a girlfriend and a busy social life, when will he have time to do this?

So many questions race through my mind. Did he have this planned all along? Get rid of me, get his name on the title, and not sell it. He bought a new vehicle in October. This could be why he doesn't have any money?

I don't know what to do. Keep an eye out for refrigerator boxes for me. I don't know how I will be able to afford a home now.

Ow!

So much has happened through Grad School.

I really feel as if I have grown. I have met people that I hope to stay in contact with for a very long time. I met a really great person and great friend, Kim. There have been many good things that have happened.

Somedays it is difficult to think of that. Right now I am far away from home. Where I came from, I cannot return. I can only go forward. There are so many scary things to face alone.

It is an adventure that I am embarking on. Like all good adventures, there is risk. What if I don't find a job? What if I can't find a place to live that I can afford? What if, what if, what if...

To top it all off, I have permanently ended things with Brian. After almost 11 years, I stopped waiting for him to decide and now I decided. Despite the affairs and the lies and the distance, it is hard. We have many years of memories. He fit well into the family and loves everyone.

I look forward to living with much less stress, but think about the years I wasted and the impact the relationship with Brian and Jess had on mine with my boys. Those were some of the worst years of my life. Perhaps I will write a book someday. Not now. I have journal after journal with tear warped pages of all the hurt. When it was good, it was very good. When it was bad it was excruciating.

I worry, as single women of my age do, about not having anyone to spend the rest of my life with. I am afraid to get out there again, yet afraid not to. I hate dating. I would love to have a guy to hold hands with and share witticisms with. Someone this time without baggage steeped in insanity.

My son is leaving for boot camp in the Navy in about a month. He is in for 4 years. That tears me apart. He is a good kid and damn, will I miss him. I hope he is safe.

Then there is Mom. I am so far away, yet the pain is still close and real. It's no fair. I get angry, depressed and cry with pain at what is happening. Dammit! This isn't the way it is supposed to be.

So, the OCD roared back today. The thoughts of going nuts and having to control that by cleaning the house, organizing the paperwork and such. So many things are out of my control. I feel really alone sometimes. Although I know friends are a phone call away, I don't want to burden anyone with this. I know how consuming it is to me, and most people can't take other people's pain. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone...

I have homework all over the place. Lots of due dates coming up. Graduation coming up. Need to get a job. Get my LGSW. So much. Find a place to live. Right now it all seems so be all up in the air. Disorganized and out of control. It is difficult to feel sane right now. As my therapist once told me, if I think I am going crazy, I'm not. Because if I were, I would not know I was. Think further into it... Nah. I don't want to bring anyone here with me.

What is it About an Intoxicated Mentally Unstable 17-Year Old Girl Holding a 9 mm Handgun That Makes Me Nervous?

I am glad I am back in Duluth.

I don't want to talk about what happened in Sioux Falls. About Jessica dropping out of school, staying out all night, drinking, hurting the ones that love her most. I don't want to talk about Brian's attempts to corral her behavior, followed quickly by his just wanting her to go away after she brought him emotionally to his knees, and his eventually apathy and subsequent depression. I don't want to mention that I told her to NEVER AGAIN, when angry with me, say the words that hurt me most and how she did it anyway and I told her that was IT- I couldn't do it anymore.

I don't want to talk about how her Facebook profile picture of her standing holding a 9 mm handgun with a mixed drink beside her bothers me and makes me afraid for Brian's life and glad I am not there...

I contacted a realtor. At this point, I don't think I care how much the sale of the house will provide. I just want them out of it, and that responsibility off my back. Self-preservation. I want my dogs with me. I think what Brian does at this point is his life. He needs to get the house fixed up to sell. A stager is coming through to tell him what needs to be done to sell. So far it doesn't seem like much to do, just painting and cleaning.

So, I am winding up that chapter of my life. The best part is that I have probably found my calling in life. I presented on stepfamilies for Northern Pines. Afterwards, many of the people there came up to me with specific questions on their situations or clients. Perhaps that nearly 11 years of my life has not been in vain.

Baby's First Speaking Engagement

Well, the call came this evening. From Northern Pines Mental Health. They want me to speak on stepfamilies.

With my most recent adventures I hardly feel like a success. My relationship with Brian is all but deteriorated. Jessica is off drinking, smoking and refusing to go to school. When telling Brian of my thoughts on my failure in light of this speaking engagement, he disagreed. He feels that Jessica has given me soooo... much experience with stepfamilies that I should be more than qualified to speak on the subject.