The Clients

The caseload is growing.  So far, I haven't lost any clients.  I guess that's good.  This is my second week.

It is difficult.  The wanting to hug some clients for all they are going through.  This includes parents as well.  Facing the suicide of a parent seems to be a common stressor as is outside placement.  Regardless of what parents do, the children will always love them.  They seem to canonize the absent parent regardless of what happened.

Homelessness is the fate of another client.  Mom is so disappointed in herself for letting her daughter down.  They are so close, though.  They have no table to have a nightly meal on and discuss the day's events.  They go to bed in partitioned rooms in a shelter.  The daughter is afraid and sad.  She is picking up her mother's angst and depression.  I so want to let them stay in my house in that empty bed that is soft, allow them to have their own space and privacy.  I can't though.  Boundaries, you know...

Untimely death of a parent is a shocker for many families.  Moms aren't supposed to die that young.  Some dads don't know the first thing about being a mother.  She was going to stay home with the children until they were older.  Plans change.  Everything comes to a screeching halt then suddenly everything flies in the air and settles where it was never before.  There is no guidebook.  No contingency plan.  Dads working long hours to support the family are suddenly faced with these huge eyes looking out of these tiny bodies pleading for the answers that dad wished he had himself.  How do we communicate?  Moms are so often the glue of the family.  They are dispatch of family relationships.

Once again, I am also dealing with sexual abuse.  It is such an epidemic - or perhaps it was always there.  Who knows?  I know that it messes kids up in ways they will never understand.  The squeaky wheels are the ones we see.  There are those kids who don't squeak so much that I have the most concern for.  They are sworn to secrecy to protect most likely their parents in one way or another.

They say some odd things as well.  They experience life sometimes in more mature ways than their mentally ill parents.  Most of all, I see through the eyes of these children both pain and fear.  As Pat Benetar says, "Hell is for children".  Indeed it seems to be so.

The Office

It was difficult after graduating, paying $60,000 for 3 letters behind my name to be relegated to a cubicle again and work basically out of my car.  I drove to my clients' homes and met them there in their environment.  However, it was good to see their surroundings: the things on the walls, tables and cabinets that were symbols of what was important to them.  The grieving family had numerous shrines dedicated to their son who died too soon for them to accept.  The abusive father with the knife collection lived in a house reeking of urine with the bible next to a notebook on the couch.  The sweet little girl lived in the basement with a lock on the door leading down to it.  The single mom confined to a welfare slum, making the best of it with her children's photos and drawings posted all over the walls.  I built relationships there.

Now I have an office.  I realize that I am elated not to have to drive miles and miles to see my clients.  Since I rolled my car at age 16, driving has not been my favorite duty.  I am doing child, adolescent and family therapy in one of the largest offices in the building.  It came furnished with a black leather couch, a white '80's (halogen?) lamp, a discount store cabinet filled with toys and papers, and a laminate wood and metal desk.  Oh, let's not forget the gray carpet with a large dark stain on it.  I immediately logged on to Amazon and ordered artwork and a large carpet to warm up the place.  I really can't afford it on my sparse salary, however, I need to ensure my clients are comfortable and have more than white walls to look at.  For now, I have a bulletin board with photos of my dogs.   Children love animals.

I am looking forward to decorating with pieces of art from second-hand stores for now.  I will have pens, pencils, crayons, paints, craft kits and all sorts of stuff that I can work on with the kids.  I have requested additional chairs for my office.  I will not sit in an office chair.  That implies power and expertise, and my clients are the experts of their lives - not me.  I can't wait until it is done!  I also have established good relationships with the facilities people who stated they will paint my office for me.  Oh, joy!

Fevered Hilarity

I almost called in sick to my doctor's appointment yesterday.  I felt faint and like I was cruising on some form of psychedelic drug.  I was running a fever.  I am on yet my 3rd antibiotic for cough and sinus symptoms.  Yesterday was by far the worst.  Yet I could not sleep.  I got back on Netflix and watched The Man Who Cried.  It had Christina Ricci and Johnny Depp in it.  I watched another movie or two after that. I finally fell asleep in the middle of Moll Flanders and woke up out of a strange dream.  Johnny Depp and I had announced to all our facebook friends that we were expecting our love child.  I laughed so hard when I woke up that I landed in a full coughing fit - followed of course, by a new facebook entry.  

The identified client

Sometimes, actually quite often, parents bring their children in for us to "fix".  This is the problem in their family.  This child is causing problems.  In doing in-home therapy I get to see the dynamics.  Especially when their guards are down.  I see the "problem child" getting angry as a reaction to something perfectly understandable.  I see the parents expecting this child to act better than the other children who are far less responsible or vulnerable.  I see the mother refusing to show her daughter respect first, to model the respect she demands from her.  I see the father being annoyed when the "problem child" is talking to him, but perfectly calm when the others talk to him.  I see the defeat in these "problem children"'s eyes.

I see why they are cutting.  And, no, mother of problem child, it isn't to make you mad.  I wish I could shake the parents until their eyes open!  But the parents are committed to their views.  They are right.  Problem child is wrong.  They are good - problem child is bad.  These problem children are stuck.  The good things they do are never good enough.  If they compare their treatment by their parents to the treatment of their siblings, the parents tell them to mind their own business.  Same if they tell on the others. Yet when the tables are turned, the parents are open to the tattling of the siblings on the problem child - because it is congruent to their committed beliefs.

Where can these children go?  What can they do?  I see how hard they try and want to tell them to put blinders on and tread forward towards the good in them.  And I see a lot of good in them.  But I know it won't matter.  Even a therapist cannot help.  The parent is that committed.

Surreally happening?

The last month and one-half was a whirlwind.

After a bout with severe depression where I was behind in all my classes, I got caught up. It was painstaking work to get it all done. I honestly didn't think I could do it. The paralysis of the depression left me so I just couldn't do it. I don't know why.

I was hired at Northern Pines on the condition that I have my masters. I had to get it done. Then was graduation, followed the day after with my orals. I passed. Then I had to find a house. The financial bits had to be gathered. Research and providing proof. Writing a letter to the underwriters had to be done, I found that Brian had maxed out my line of credit, that he said was his. He was angry that he suddenly had to pay that off, and angry that he had to give me any money at all. I had to (just remembered I forgot to pay rent for June at the old place) explain things for my credit report and provide all sorts of proof that I was worth approval. In the middle of all of this, I had to go back to my internship, meet with my supervisor to explain the database I provided for her, run to Little Falls for orientation, get boxes, etc. I have felt like I have had to force myself to do all of this. Push, push, push. I started my job, continued gathering financial evidence, found homeowners insurance, contacted the movers, commute back and forth to Duluth. Pack... I have had so many accomplishments that I haven't celebrated. Celebrating this stuff is normal - what everyone else is doing, yet I have had no time.

Tuesday, I got lost on my way to an in-home session. I knew I had enough gas to make it there, but I forgot to allow for getting lost. It was off the beaten path and about 30 miles from the office. It was a beautiful drive until I got lost. I met with the family, then drove to the gas station that I passed on the way only to discover that the pumps were empty. "Sorry for the inconvenience," the sign said. I passed gas station after gas station closed due to the economic conditions of the area. It got to 98 degrees that day, and I had the air conditioner off to save gas. When I got gas, I was walking through the station and everyone was walking slow. It is a cultural thing. A little thing. Then I realized that everything was so unfamiliar! I don't know this area. By the time I got to Brainerd, I was having a full-blown panic attack.

"WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING?! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!" I am in a strange city, buying a home, starting a new job with no family around... HO-LY SHIT! I pulled over to the side of the road. I tried to call my friend, Kim, but she didn't answer. I took a deep breath, cried a couple of tears and realized I just can't break down now. My first week of work, I cannot come back from an in-home with a red tear-stained face. I bucked up and made it back.

Today I contacted the utility companies, attended a day-long training, went to an in-home, and installed my gps - even people who have lived here their whole lives need them to do in-home work. Tomorrow, I close on the house, go to work then head back to Duluth to finish packing. The movers are coming Saturday or Sunday. They haven't called me back yet. I arranged and paid for a U-Haul for Brian to bring me my stuff from Sioux Falls. He is coming Saturday night, so I reserved a motel room for him and his new family. Sunday, I have to be in Brainerd to let him in and get my dogs and get moved in.

As long as I don't think about it, I'm fine.

Meh

I wish school was over. Sick of the homework and sicker of myself procrastinating. There is an end in sight. But... Nevermind.

Ben is off in the Navy's possession. I spoke with him for the last time before he was sequestered from civilians yesterday. He's so grown up. I already miss him.

House papers signed and ready to go on the market. Good realtor this time. They know how to market a home. Brian's been working his ass off to get it ready, as well he should. No anger there of course. His girlfriend has been helping. Bless her little heart.

Stunt Ande is here. She has taken my place to continue with fewer emotions. The last two days should have been emotional but were flat. Good? Who knows. (Stuff, stuff, stuff...)

Needing something to look forward to.

Harrumph!

Muddling Through the Mire

I suppose a part of me is embarrassed to write about this. I think we all go through it occasionally in our lives.

Depression set in with an overwhelming plop. I am sure much of it is situational, some could be hereditary and some could be seasonal. Grieving the loss of an almost 11 year relationship is tough. Being away from my family and support system is also tough. Having other things at home go wrong is also hard. Pile that on with a smattering of graduate school homework, and I got behind, overwhelmed and more depressed. I try to shield most from it and put on my happy face. But I am glad that I am getting help.

Help consists of a counselor at school who admits I am his oldest client (ever). At least I can joke and say I have to pick my therapist up at daycare. I also made a good attempt at trying to add a booster antidepressant on to my current one. That was laughable - at least I think so. I feel like "the story of my life..." ends up much the way this attempt did. Let me explain...

I finally did the inevitable and asked for something more. The doctor gave me a thorough exam including a neurological exam that left me late for my therapy session. She did not want to prescribe anything without getting my records from Sioux Falls. Oy vey. So I filled out all the requests and she gave me a prescription for a "booster" antidepressant. It was something I had already had so no big deal, or so I thought. She told me to call her if I had any unusual symptoms like heart racing, seizures, etc. I didn't expect anything, but should have known my depression wasn't going to give up that easily...

Within an hour of taking my first booster pill, I became very shaky. Since I wasn't expecting any reaction, I thought it was because I had been out running errands all day without eating. So I ate and tried to lay down. My heart began racing late in the night. I called the dr.'s office that morning and they said she was out all day, but that she usually checks her messages. I began experiencing other symptoms that were scaring me. My muscles were tightening up and I became weak. I was scared. No call. Must be a normal reaction, but this wasn't right. I wasn't going to take another pill.

Two days later I got a call from the doctor. She apologized for not getting back to me. I am guessing she either didn't get or didn't check her messages. By the time she called me, I was experiencing acute agitation and emotional crap. I continued to have symptoms into the weekend. Monday she called again to ask how I was doing and said that she wanted to check my vitals. I told her that I had an appt at the clinic for Wednesday. She said she would see me then.

I waited forever to get in to see the dr. The paper I held that I was supposed to give to the nurse said, BP, nurse check. So, after waiting 25 minutes, I went to the desk and asked if I could just check my blood pressure at Walgreens and call it in. They called up to the nurse and she came immediately. When I did get in to talk to the dr., she informed me that I had experienced serotonin syndrome. When I looked it up on pubmed, it states, "a potentially life threatening drug reaction..." Great. I try not to get too excited about my symptoms, always fearing hypochondria lurking in my depths but I guess I should have acted more quickly. The doctor also informed me that she had a consultation with the nurses there on how I should have been seen immediately for my symptoms. Good to know - NOW!

The good news is that I should be out of the woods. I have an appointment next week so they can do blood work and make sure there is no organ damage. That always makes a person confident in their medical treatment.

So goes the resounding theme in my life. I am down. I signal for help and the big ship that should be coming to my rescue, runs over me. At least I can laugh about it - I think....

Diversity thingamabob

Turned out to be a pretty good day.

Today was the big summit. Kim and I worked at the registration tables until 10:00. I met and remet many people. There was a photographer there who does photos of various populations. He has them with chalkboards telling the world what or who they are. That was interesting.

The presentation that I organized was a hit! Not only did my presenters show, their boss and a few cohorts did as well! It was freaking amazing! It was the first of all the sessions to reach capacity (and then some!) After the session people spent a great deal of time speaking with all of the Integration Specialists. One of them gave me a hug, too! Much needed. Many kudos on this idea and arranging them to speak. :)

Our class also met with the keynote speaker. Sometimes I wonder when I am at a presentation, why the speaker looks at me so much. Also when I'm in class and a question is answered, why do people look at me when answering?

I got my iPad last night at about 6:30. I haven't had much time to play with it yet. Can't wait! Apps are awaiting. I used it today to take notes at some of the sessions. People were whispering behind me... My friends were jealous. I used to like that, but not so much anymore. I don't know why.

Looking Up?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I have so many superstitions. One of mine is acknowledging the positive after the negatives have pounded me into the ground. I am afraid that it will be contradicted. Here I will throw caution to the wind and say that today is going well.

My supervisor used the words "freaking awesome" to describe the database that I created for her. Apparently it is quite timely as well. Meeting today to discuss the current system. That felt good.

There is a diversity summit tomorrow and I suggested and arranged for two speakers to present. Communication has been sparse at best. I just received an e-mail from one of the speakers stating they got together and reviewed information, spoke to the coordinator and are ready to go! Such relief. I was fearing their absence and cringing for that impact. Not so. It is ready to roll and my work is done on that!

Today my iPad is supposed to arrive. In total, it departed China twice, Hong Kong once, went to Alaska, Kentucky, Minneapolis, Eagan, MN, and now it is out for delivery. I am like a little kid looking out the window to see if UPS is out there. I am afraid to shower and look out the window before I even go to the bathroom. Hurry! I am certain that all my troubles will disappear upon its arrival!

Some days...

Sunday and yesterday were tough.

I admit it. I told Brian's parents about the women. I was beyond the bad place that I have been finding myself in lately. I feel so bad. Yesterday he called and he was angry with me and wanted to know why.

I'm tired of hiding the truth. I'm tired of putting on that happy face and acting like everything is going great for his benefit. I am angry, sad, devastated, relieved, tormented, depressed, hopeless, lonely, motivated, paranoid, strong, etc. I cannot predict when I will feel what. When you don't have time off between relationships, you don't have to feel that. He doesn't get why I am like this yet he keeps saving himself from going through this. He doesn't realize that I moved up here because we love it up here and were thinking about living up here together. I was putting one joint foot forward for us. Now I am alone without even a dog. I have friends, but they have families and friends and busy lives. Now that he has another woman visiting my house, petting my dogs, sleeping in my bed he cannot understand why I go through all this and feel betrayed and alone. His life is an exclamation point right now. Mine is a question mark.

My self-esteem is suffering. I'm trying with self-talk to pull myself up. Valentines Day was hard. I try to tell myself that I have done this before, but I had a good support system at work and at home. I had my kids and we would do things together and have a good time with just us. It really seems harder this time.

I think about the hell I went through every time I went back to Sioux Falls since I have been up here. It is pure insanity. I do feel healthier here without that. I'm sure my blood pressure is better here.

Yesterday I was going to spend my night wooing myself with a life list. The last time I did that, so many things on the list came true. I thought it would be better than wallowing in my loneliness. Not long after I got the notebook out to do so, the phone rang and it was Brian. No list. More tears. He just doesn't get it.