Surreally happening?

The last month and one-half was a whirlwind.

After a bout with severe depression where I was behind in all my classes, I got caught up. It was painstaking work to get it all done. I honestly didn't think I could do it. The paralysis of the depression left me so I just couldn't do it. I don't know why.

I was hired at Northern Pines on the condition that I have my masters. I had to get it done. Then was graduation, followed the day after with my orals. I passed. Then I had to find a house. The financial bits had to be gathered. Research and providing proof. Writing a letter to the underwriters had to be done, I found that Brian had maxed out my line of credit, that he said was his. He was angry that he suddenly had to pay that off, and angry that he had to give me any money at all. I had to (just remembered I forgot to pay rent for June at the old place) explain things for my credit report and provide all sorts of proof that I was worth approval. In the middle of all of this, I had to go back to my internship, meet with my supervisor to explain the database I provided for her, run to Little Falls for orientation, get boxes, etc. I have felt like I have had to force myself to do all of this. Push, push, push. I started my job, continued gathering financial evidence, found homeowners insurance, contacted the movers, commute back and forth to Duluth. Pack... I have had so many accomplishments that I haven't celebrated. Celebrating this stuff is normal - what everyone else is doing, yet I have had no time.

Tuesday, I got lost on my way to an in-home session. I knew I had enough gas to make it there, but I forgot to allow for getting lost. It was off the beaten path and about 30 miles from the office. It was a beautiful drive until I got lost. I met with the family, then drove to the gas station that I passed on the way only to discover that the pumps were empty. "Sorry for the inconvenience," the sign said. I passed gas station after gas station closed due to the economic conditions of the area. It got to 98 degrees that day, and I had the air conditioner off to save gas. When I got gas, I was walking through the station and everyone was walking slow. It is a cultural thing. A little thing. Then I realized that everything was so unfamiliar! I don't know this area. By the time I got to Brainerd, I was having a full-blown panic attack.

"WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING?! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!" I am in a strange city, buying a home, starting a new job with no family around... HO-LY SHIT! I pulled over to the side of the road. I tried to call my friend, Kim, but she didn't answer. I took a deep breath, cried a couple of tears and realized I just can't break down now. My first week of work, I cannot come back from an in-home with a red tear-stained face. I bucked up and made it back.

Today I contacted the utility companies, attended a day-long training, went to an in-home, and installed my gps - even people who have lived here their whole lives need them to do in-home work. Tomorrow, I close on the house, go to work then head back to Duluth to finish packing. The movers are coming Saturday or Sunday. They haven't called me back yet. I arranged and paid for a U-Haul for Brian to bring me my stuff from Sioux Falls. He is coming Saturday night, so I reserved a motel room for him and his new family. Sunday, I have to be in Brainerd to let him in and get my dogs and get moved in.

As long as I don't think about it, I'm fine.