Pain
I have debated about writing about this for quite awhile. I need to get it out and let it go.
In the summer of 2008 Brian and I were having problems. He was seeing a woman from work and denied it - they were just friends. Women are usually right when they get the sense their significant other is seeing someone else. I admit, I invaded his privacy and went on his phone where I found x-rated pictures he had sent to her. Strange friendship. We took a trip to Bemidji shortly after this dispute. While in Bemidji, Brian got drunk. He verbally attacked me and my children. It was verbal, but I felt it physically all over my body. I cried so hard I puked. My world, as shaky as it was anyway, was dark and murky. I felt like escaping my body, but could not escape it or my thoughts. No one had ever attacked me so vehemently. I left him in bed the next morning as I packed all of my stuff to leave. Despite my tip-toeing around, he awoke. He begged me not to leave him there. At that point I did not care how he got back. Somehow, I don't know quite what he said, he talked me into not leaving him there.
Brian stopped seeing this woman. Perhaps it was because his boss fired her - likely because his boss liked me and was upset about this relationship. We went back to working on us.
One of the things that we both enjoyed was the Minnesota northwoods. Particularly around the Ely area. Brian had been saying that he wanted to move up there, and had interviewed up there for a job eventually. I was concerned about family, especially his parents, since their health was declining. Brian was set on leaving. We would go back and forth about it and he said that I would never move. He had interviewed for a job and was in contact with other job possibilities, but I had not. He did not think I was committed to moving there. I wanted to wait until Ben was out of school and in college at the very earliest and thought it would be better for him to wait until Jessica was graduated. In early 2009 I had two acceptances to grad school. One was for Vermillion for a PsyEd degree and the other was for the Social Work program in Duluth. Brian urged me to go to Duluth.
I left for Duluth the day after we moved Ben to Vermillion to begin his college experience. Brain said he would be up to see me often because he loves the area. This did not prove to be the case. In fact, shortly after I left for Duluth he began another relationship with another woman. I did not find this out until Thanksgiving, I believe. Jess and Brian got in a fight and she told me about it to hurt him. To make matters worse, Brian completely dismantled Ben's bed and moved everything of his into my office. Great! Now Ben had nowhere to stay when he came back for college. I was heartbroken. Ben said he would just stay with his dad. Ouch. I love my kids and looked forward to seeing my kids when I was back.
By the time I was back for Christmas, the woman Brian was seeing broke up with him. I was still angry with him and he expected me to be nice to him because he was devastated by his recent break up. Another new development that began was the blame for everything Jess did. I began hearing from both Brian and Jess that she was good before I came back, but was having poor behaviors when I returned. Each time this occurred, I eventually found out she was acting out all along while I was gone. I was a convenient scapegoat. This was crazy-making.
By Thanksgiving 2010, Brian was back to attempting to get me back. He bought me a new phone and stated he wanted to move up with me when I graduated and got a job. He was ready to leave Sioux Falls and get away from Jess and his ex and the insanity that seemed to be their creation. I hadn't decided if I would agree to that. My choice was once again beside the point. By Christmas 2010, Brian was seeing another woman. He had invited me to a party of one of his work friends that I knew. When it came time for the party, Brian uninvited me. He had been acting odd all the time I was back. He always took his phone with him. He was texting frequently while I was there. He came home late from work and was emotionally distant.
I was depressed. The reason I attended school in Duluth was gone. I had been trained in Minnesota child welfare laws and programs. Much of this information would have to be replaced if I moved back. I was depressed. I couldn't bring myself to do my homework in the last semester. I was more depressed than I had ever been. I began therapy and after working with my therapist for a few months, was finally able to get a semester's worth of homework done in 2 weeks. I guess I would graduate after all.
Brian and I had put the house on the market. The fair market value was $109,900. The market was slow in Sioux Falls. Brian and I discussed a settlement if the house did not sell. There was $59,000 in equity on the house, with no liens on it. Brian had only been making payments on the house since I left for Duluth. Before that I made the house payment, utility payments, groceries, etc. He had child support and car payments for his vehicle. Basically, the equity was all mine. Brian agreed to take out a loan to pay the me the equity if the house did not sell by May 1st. By May 1st, the house did not sell. Brian decided not to take a loan out. He told me to rent a place. I looked at rentals, but could not find one that would take 3 dogs. It looked like I had to buy. We argued on the phone, over and over. Finally he said he could pay me $18,000 until the house sold. But I would have to sign a quit claim deed, relinquishing my ownership on the house. I told him I would do so if he promised he would pay the rest when the house was sold. He agreed.
He took the house off the market in the fall. By that time, his girlfriend and her daughter were living there. He told me he would shut off my phone. He said I could not go into the house for the rest of my stuff. I had to tell him what I wanted. I fought him on that and asked for my money since now they were all living there and the house was no longer on the market. He refused. He said he would never pay me the rest of my money. So, he bought the house I raised my children in, built years of equity in, and remodeled over the years for $68,000 when it was valued at $109,900. He somehow doesn't have a problem with that. On top of that, I requested some of my stuff back. One of the things was a wicker chair that my sons' grandmother gave me. I had painted it, and reupholstered the chair. It had been out on the porch. When I asked for it back, he told me I could not have it because his girlfriend wanted it. That made me mad. This had nothing to do with her. He had no right. He also said he did not have my missing sapphire ring that had been in the jewelry box on the dresser. I am assuming his girlfriend wanted that as well.
Okay, let us summarize: Brian repeatedly cheated on me and made my life hell. I would still be living around my family if it weren't for my proving to him I was committed to living with him by attending grad school in Minnesota. I lost opportunities to see Ben when he was back from school, because he no longer had a place to stay with us. I was cheated out of $41,000 from my house. I gave 11 years of my life to this man. I can't have any of my stuff that his girlfriend wants. (I still have stuff over there).
If anyone did anything like this to my family members, I would be livid. Oddly enough, I hear from some of my family members, "I don't have a problem with him". Really? You don't consider anything he did to me or my children a problem? Is that how we support each other?! Recently I noticed that some of my family have "liked" his engagement on facebook. If this all had happened to anyone in my family, I really would either have a lot to say, or nothing at all. I certainly wouldn't consider myself his "friend" on facebook or anywhere else where obviously this would hurt. But maybe you do have a problem with me?!
This was hard to write. I got mad when I first heard that there was "no problem with him" and again when I saw the responses on facebook and decided not to say anything about it for 24 hours. I have had to wait many more 24 hours. Apparently my hurt is not going away anytime soon.
