The New Truth

Here is my theory for the day:

If the number of people lying exceeds the number of people telling the truth,
the people telling the truth become liars.

What a week!

It took every ounce of energy I had, and now graduation is over. I found it so difficult to get going on cleaning and decorating. I think it would have been so much easier had the situation been different. Such is life!
We had quite the weekend. Monday night J. wanted to go to carnival by the mall with her friend. Her dad said no. She threw a tantrum and broke a window in her room, so her dad took her to the carnival. She came back with attitude towards both me and her dad. What did I do? Hmm...I guess I didn't lock her in the attic, so it was my fault. I should've called 911. You see, sometimes when her dad does crap like this, rewarding her for her bad behavior, I get the strong urge to take matters into my own hands. Her right to express her feelings ends when it impedes upon my right to have intact property.
The following night I had class. Apparently she and her dad got into another altercation and she called the police on her dad. The police came and told her that her dad was within his rights to discipline her. (I found out later, that they also liked the kitchen and said that I should be an interior decorator, and somehow my education came up and they thought that was cool, too) They sent a mediator over and things ended up in the air. When I came home, J. apologized for the window without rolling her eyes or giving me attitude. I thanked her for doing so.

I am so numb from everything lately. When B. said the police were over, I wasn't shocked, didn't ask or say much. You see, I had one hell of a day at the office. I've been in so many scheduled and unscheduled meetings at work that I barely have time to do my job. They are so non-productive.

I will try to make a long story short here: M. from AZ came to WF in Sioux Falls to conduct brainstorming sessions on how to make things more efficient and the workplace a better environment to work in. All went well, until we had a staff meeting in which L. voiced her objection to M. just coming down and changing things and expecting someone else to do all the work for it. She definitely did not use tact and didn't hide at all her dissatisfaction with this. Okay, who out there knows that doesn't buy into the changes, it ain't (it bothers me that spell-checker didn't flag that word) going to happen? (Wow, that is a big show of hands!) I had decided that M. should know this since it is a huge obstacle to getting things done. Well, although one of the rules of the meetings with M. was that what was said in there, stays in there. Oops, several folks forgot that one and told L. what I said. This surprises me, as they were the loudest complainers of them all!!! Then, they denied all their complaining. L. went to her boss, who called me into the office. (Gee, not now, I've had enough!) She told me that if I have any problems with L. that I should go in and talk to her. I (seriously) told her that I was still missing half a butt-cheek from the last time I spoke with her about L. I asked my objective witness if she would tell the truth when asked about what everyone said, and she said she would. I told L.'s boss that, but she won't check MY references.

The atmosphere at work has been uncomfortable. I am tired of walking by and everyone being quiet until I am past. I am back to shut-up mode. Blah, blah, blah. At least I will have no problem getting my work done. (Nose to the grind-stone)

I had a case study due for Phys. and a quiz to study for. Then yesterday I had a meeting w/the Mayor's Neighborhood Rejuvenation task force. Eek...I have to go for now. Time's slipping away!

Beauty and the B (session)

Steel Magnolias, Beauty Shop, Soul Food, Barber Shop and more, all portray the salon as the gathering place. Even more reference beauticians as the source of reliable "gossip" if you will. These days, salons are places where we get our hair cut once every six weeks or colored or permed even less often. In the days of yore, the salon appointment was a weekly one, where you went in to get your hair "set" for the following week. (I won't go into my problems with the hygiene of this schedule)

I went in to get my hair colored and cut on Thursday. For me, this is usually viewed with discomfort. To get me to sit still that long is nearly impossible. It is nonproductive time. It is however, a less frequent version of what took place years ago, when counseling or "talk therapy" was less common. I was thinking as M. and I were catching up on the crap of each others' lives that they really didn't need therapy back then. They had an hour or so of uninterrupted exchange. The stylist also benefited from this. Although it was just M. and I exchanging back and forth, I could imagine what a network of support it was back when you had your regular Thursday appointment and so did several others! They were each others' support and sounding boards! Group therapy, if you will.

M. lives with a real jerk. She said she would never have guessed that she would be unmarried with a child and another on the way, living with a man who would put her through the hell that he has. She is very lucky that her mother and sister are so supportive. Her family as a whole are, but her mother and one sister are especially close.

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!

This is what I saw on my morning garden walk Wednesday....


This is what I saw later that day...



Side view of the corner garden


This is the garden before spring sprung and before I got out there to do anything.


This is the garden after the sprung and my clean up job.

Murphy's Law

All things tend toward disorder.

My life, I am finding, is constant testing and proof of the above statement. I try so hard to accentuate the positive. I look within myself to find my happiness. I go through periods of time where I feel pretty beat up. The last few weeks has been an example of that: If it can go wrong it will.

For some reason each child is going through their own little thing (not so little) right now. As a mother, I am not feeling so successful. I am doing the best I know how, yet it is never good enough.




I think it is of utmost importance that I keep moving forward. I admit, what has made my optical sprinkler system go berserk lately, are the feelings of loneliness, failure and stress. I need someone to talk to. Unfortunately, I don't know where to start. That is why I don't call anyone. I know it sounds ridiculous. How would you feel if you received a phone call and all you heard on the other end was blubbering? Sheees! So, blog readers, it is up to you to repair the sprinkler system. I have also found that sleep will probably help. Considering I stayed up to listen to the storm last night (one of my favorite therapies) and was awaken early by a cute - albeit whiny - furry animal at 5:30 a.m.


Two days later...

My energy is still gone. I have so much to do right now and NO energy to do it. I know once I begin and begin to see the results of my labor, this will be easier to consider. I am being packed down with guilt, resentment, grief, stress, dread and hopelessness. I need to burst forth and toil.

Perhaps I need to be frank. I know I do. So here it goes. This is dilemma 1: This dilemma is characterized by grief, shock, fear, disappointment, anger, despair, resentment... My son, throughout his last high school semester has been telling me that he was working on his grades. He is good at blaming others: he was working too much, he couldn't get ahold of his teachers, he was making it up...the list goes on. Last week, I received an e-mail from his teacher that said that it was no one's fault but Nick's that there was no way he could possibly pass the class. Nick had needed every single credit to graduate. He might as well have punched me in the gut. I broke down. I bawled like a baby and sobbed and couldn't speak. He had lied to me all semester long. My son, the one with the high SAT scores, the one that I had such a time with feeding his hunger for knowledge years ago, will walk down that aisle on Sunday, all dressed up in cap and gown to fetch his unsigned diploma. This has squeezed the all the enjoyment out of a moment in our lives that is so significant. How could he? Family is coming, friends are coming and this celebration is planned. We are celebrating him. We are celebrating him when all I want to do is pound on him. (I am not a violent person, either) I want to slam him against the wall and ask him what he is doing to himself?
Outside of my anger towards him, is that of the anger towards me. Why didn't I do something sooner? I know that answer, though. I was trying to make him accountable for his own actions. To teach him responsibility and discipline. That failed. Why didn't I pull him out of mainstream education so many years ago when he begged to be homeschooled. I know he hated middle school. He was beat up and teased and harrassed. Why has this become so acceptable?
So, now when I feel that I need to be preparing the house for the mass of people coming to celebrate him, I am finding little energy to do so. It is like having a wedding reception for a fake wedding. I can't feel good about doing it.

Dilemma #2:
School. Somehow in the midst of all the hubbub, I have to do a case study, study for a quiz and study for a test. Since my classes are 7-9:30 pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I have NO time between them to study. So I have to do it all before Tuesday. Perhaps I should just wait until Monday, but I don't know. Anyway, that is adding more weight.

Dilemma #3:
The drama queen will be here this weekend, because it is her dad's holiday. She doesn't take well to being ignored. .: when her dad is doing all the stuff around the house that he has been procrastinating about, she will be stopping him. He will probably make at least 2 trips back to Brandon, to get everything she needs, throw a tantrum about not getting to be with her friends, to which Brian will eventually respond by taking her out and buying her something. In other words, I cannot plan on having his help.

Dilemma #4:
My city work. I haven't yet prepared for the meeting on Tuesday. I need to get that going.

Dilemma #5:
Bills, courthouse, shoes...I have many errands to run and things to do. I also need to iron Nick's graduation gown and pants and shirt...

Dilemma #6:
I know that my brother and his two gnomes are coming, but I don't know if I will have any other family here. Renee doesn't have a regular job. She said if she was hired this week, she will come. I would really like her and her elves to be here.


As I am writing all of this, I remember a funny situation where there was animosity towards me and I got in trouble for doing something. I was asked to post a sign for the work area. The sign began: Attention Coworkers... I was taken into the office and written up for name calling. Apparently one of my coworkers was offended at being called a coworker because I deliberately did that to insinuate that she was a cow. She said (and the supervisor took her side) that the word is spelled "co-worker" and by leaving out the dash I was being mean to her. After I got done laughing, I brought a dictionary to work to prove to them that I wasn't being devious.

I'm Grounded!

Well, that's it. I am now too crabby to go back outside. So I have to stay inside and not use the phone. I don't dare speak to anyone because that "f-bomb" is sitting on the tip of my lips ready to blow!! I'm grounding me.

The last few days have been a race to get stuff done. I missed two deadlines today and better hit them tomorrow or else there will be consequences. But who gets anything done on Friday?

Last night, Nick's pictures finally were done. I picked them up and raced over to Phyllis's to write out the announcements. (Phyllis is my ex's mom - she and I still get along well) Of course we got to talking and it was 9:30 before I got home. We had only addressed their side of the family and I still had my side to do. That and I had to write the return address on all of them.

Today, I sprang to action when I came home. I got them all addressed and my ex stopped by, so I put him to work. All he had to do was put stamps on them. We had a mass of 39 cent stamps and I could NOT find 1 cent sheet that we had. I had no time! I had to run to the post office before they closed and get the rest of the stamps and get them mailed before 5:30. I left the house at 5:24. I knew I could make it before they closed their doors. But as I was backing out, my ex was standing on the porch, flagging me down like a plane. (What!What?!What?! Iminnahurry!) I rolled down the window - it seemed so slow! - and he said, "Did you know that those aren't ready to mail?" UM...THAT'S WHY I'M RUSHING MY @$$ OFF TO GET DOWN THERE, I thought. After I quickly said "yes", he then said, "Some of them need more postage". OY VEY!!!! GET THIS MAN HIS SIGN!!!

By the time I got down there, the clock in the van said 5:29, which since it is programmed to Morticia car time means that it was 5:26. As I reached to pick up the rubber banded pile of envelopes, they fanned out like an accordion (roll out the barrel) and loosened themselves from the rubber bands! After I got them all picked up again, the door shut on me. Since I always lock my car, I was also locked in. I had to unlock the door and run out. Oh, no. That metal to metal click I heard halfway up the steps wasn't.... oh, no!...it was! They locked the door! How could they? By the time I got back into the car, it said 5:31. Which, in case my ex-husband is reading this, means that actual time was 5:28. (See why I'm grounded!)

Okay. Plan B. I had to get home and pick up Ben for work. Although the house was left wide open, and the t.v. was on, there was no one here. Apparently my ex brought him to work. Thanks for letting me know and thanks for locking it up. So I raced down to Hy-Vee to try to get them all stamped and sent. A nice little hand written sign on the counter stated that they had NO MORE 2 cent stamps. (And they had no 1 cent, either) What the? It also stated that they had a limited supply of 41 cent stamps. What the? I said to give me 2 books of the 41s if they had them, but as I was rifling through my purse trying to find my wallet, I found the page of 1 cent stamps. Thank goodness. Unfortunately, the mail had already been picked up, but I kind of felt lucky that I had what I did. They are OUT all over town - including the post offices!!! The stamps also were exactly enough! How often does that happen?!

Ground Hogs Day

“What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything more divine'?”
Friedrich Nietzsche quotes (German classical Scholar, Philosopher and Critic of culture, 1844-1900.)

Today's Quote

"Whatever you vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely believe, and enthusiastically act upon, must inevitably come to pass"

On the Brink

My favorite quote is from Harriet Beecher Stowe:

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you till it seems you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

But then there is Morton Salt: "When it rains, it pours"

And after today, this from Mary Ann Radmacher:"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

I am sad, disappointed, hurt, afraid, bitter, irritable, despondent, anguished, discouraged, disheartened, hopeless, beaten down, betrayed, deceived, lonely, alone, abandoned. I need comfort, reassurance, honesty, trust, understanding, and more kleenex. I feel I have failed in so many ways in my life. I feel right now that I must be saying and doing all the wrong things. I feel I should just shut my mouth and hide in the corner until it blows over.

In so many ways this blog is my journal. I often wonder if folks think that I am insane. I tend to be so negative in this. I think that I can write the negative down and it has the effect that vomiting does on something not sitting well - although tonight I did that, too. I spew all my negative thoughts and begin to feel better.

When I was in 7th and 8th grade, I wrote in my journal a lot. So often when people would read it (whether with or without permission) they would hand it back to me and say, I feel that way, too. That helped both them and me feel less alone and more human. It was, however, hard to write my true feelings about some things and some people. I was criticized when I did.

This is therapeutic for me, yet limiting. I cannot write what I feel about certain situations and other things like people. For one, I found if I put real names in here, a quick Google Search will pull up my blog. Some things the situation itself will define and identify the person. Currently, I know of only one person at work that reads my blog. I am not worried about her saying anything at all. (BTW, be glad you didn't get the job. There is a reason for everything.)


Have you ever hoped and prayed that something would go right? That the direction that you had planned for many years would pan out. Sort of like an investment. You put a lot into it, expecting to at least break even, only to find out that your accountant or whatever, ran off with it. In one day your hopes and dreams are flushed. Me, neither.

I don't know how to communicate right now. I am afraid to talk to anyone. I am angry with some and frustrated with others. In a way, I think that this could be an excellent time to move up north. I'm thinking Duluth until I get my degree. But, I'm too close to getting my degree here. I need a very long vacation. I want to go up north and camp at a walk-in or hike in spot. I want to take in the quiet and the natural noises of the forest. I want to write, write, write.

Can't Sleep

I have tried to take my own advice and do my breathing exercises and try to stop my racing thoughts. It's not working tonight. For some reason, I cannot sleep when my kids are still awake. Nick concerned me when I heard the electric shaver and the shower going at about 12:30-1:00 or so. What in the world? I was laying in bed, trying to sleep and I just couldn't. When Nick emerged from the bathroom, his head was shaved and he said that he just wanted to change back into who he really is. He said he is going to speak with his teachers tomorrow about his grades and get back on track. There are less than 2 weeks left for him.
After I gasped at the sight of his head and said, "But graduation is coming...?...!", he said that he didn't need hair to graduate. Good point, but...but...
Apparently he is rebelling against conformity. Once more. I thought he had been...

Technically yesterday, was mother's day. Hmm... Why do I always feel like such a bad mother on that day? I was crabby today. It was hot and windy - like a blast furnace they always say - and I had a ton of errands to run and money to drop getting ready for graduation and placing some plants around. There is so much to do. I need stunt mom to come in and give me a hand! I start class again on the 21st and Nick's graduation is on the 27th. I am trying to read ahead in Physiology, but my mind is elsewhere. I wanted to do a graduation scrapbook for him, but maybe I shouldn't. Is that more a girl thing? Is that something that I could do later? I hope Mel and/or Renee can help me! I ordered the food from Top Taste who promised to do a better job than Hy-Vee for cheaper!! Wowzer! I dropped a hefty chunk there on the cakes...
Shown here is the strawberry shortcake


This is the triple chocolate Tiger Cake.

Now if you aren't going to show up for the gourmet food or the great coffee or the M & Ms or for Nick for his special day, this cake should get you drooling! I have had the strawberry shortcake and the white chocolate raspberry and they were awesome!!! I think that we will also have beer, wine and such...

Well, time to try breathing exercises again! Wish me luck!

Friday's Charm

What a charming evening it has been. Shortly after I got home, the neighbor came over and asked if the butcher knife she was holding was mine. Hmm...nope, but perhaps the police that were over at 4:30 a.m. the other day looking for something might know whose it is... She found the long knife with blood dried on it in her lawn around the front sidewalk. So, we called the police and they took it away.
Then, we had a little visitor after 11:00. I was just nodding off and something swooped down. It was a lovely bat. It kept swooping down at me - you know, the animal attraction thing - and I kept ducking under the blanket. We nabbed it and called animal control. Guess what? The guy wouldn't come in because he was afraid Sage would bite him. Now I am having trouble getting to sleep.
In this photo you can kind of see the teeth of the little bugger

The bag was cloudy, but he was really cheesin' in this one!!


Princess kept an eye on it until the fraidy cat animal control guy came.

Gotta Keep that Stress Level Up

I couldn't resist. I just got done with my last final and had to sign up for the summer term. The thought of not having class or progressing forward in my snail's pace quest for a degree left me in a panic. I know I have all the neighborhood stuff to do, in fact I just got an e-mail yesterday indicating that I am on a committee now. I am flattered but really wish they would schedule meetings according to MY schedule. Just kidding, of course. It should be interesting. I am still reading through the volumes of info they sent me with after our meeting. One of the most interesting parts is that the elusive Ms. Schwann is also on the meeting list. I will let you know if she attends.

Throughout my years on this earth, I have noticed that sometimes paths change abruptly. I know that any moment something could happen that would eliminate me from my civic volunteer work, or from proceeding with my education. What I am trying to say, is I need to be prepared for any eventuality. In fact, I am currently considering a double major in Soc and Psyche. What in the hell would I do with that degree? Who knows. But I looked it up and it wouldn't take much to get there, so why not?! The SDSU sociology prof. did specifically request that I change my major to Soc. Maybe I'll just add it.

I need to brag a bit at this point. I got my grade back for Cognitive Psyche and I got (drum roll please) an "A"!!!! I am doing the happy dance! This one was in question as my test scores were more B-like, but my class participation, labs and presentation were fantabulous!

I'm Gonna do it, but I need your help

Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell your pets...Include me on your well-traveled blog!!! I am going to publish a blog for our neighborhood. I need contributors that live, work or are affiliated with the neighborhood and ideas but most of all, right now I need a name!

I haven't begun to compose this, but most of all I would like it to be an upbeat post, but containing neighborhood news and photos. Success stories, triumphs, toils, opinions...

We are trying to turn this neighborhood around. A couple years ago, gangs and drug sales crept in and flourished. Our older homes are gorgeous historical beauties. I just had a thought hit my head! Ouch!!! How about a profile of an older home in the neighborhood. One a week, month, whatever...describing the history, the occupants and any items of note! We could also interview homeowners, flippers, city personnel...

Ouch!!! (Another one) Why isn't the Argus Leader doing this????? Hmm... No, I am not going to compete with them. Although lately I don't know...

Speaking of the Argus...the day I went in and met with M. Cooper and R. Sorensen, the front page article of the Argus in big bold letters, was about the city kicking one of the tenants out of a college student house because they violated the ordinance of no more than 4(?) unrelated people in one single-family dwelling. I asked at City Hall what they did to make the Argus mad??? The resolution to the issue, including allowing all to stay there until the issue was resolved DID NOT also make the front page. If the A.L. is going to make a huge deal about something, making the city look like it is the big bully, why don't they also make a huge deal about the city being flexible and reconsidering??? AAAAARRRRRGGGGGus!

All for now. Please link me to your readership to spread this request for a name for the blog!

Thanks! I will keep y'all updated.

That time of the year again

In the past, gardening has been my outlet. This year I wonder if it isn't just becoming depressing. Sunday I planted all my annuals and did a little puttsing and pruning. I was standing on the porch admiring my half completed work when some @$$hole rode his bike over a flower. I heard it snap. I yelled and he didn't even look at me. He just kept going.

Last year I lost my gardening angel - guardian angel? It was in my bird bath overlooking the garden. With the emergence of spring, I found that I am missing some of my iron fence sections and the corner brick from my corner garden. This brick had to be cut special to fit in that corner spot. It had angular cuts more than any other brick and will be difficult to replace.
One, possibly two of my rhododendrons didn't make the last bit of sun last year after the tree was cut down. Last night, two girls came by and picked flowers that I hadn't yet noticed emerging. Damn.

What to do? What can I safely and legally do to reduce enticement and deter these creeps? I have thought of wiring them to release an electric charge when touched. I have thought of adding volumes of vaseline to the points one could pick things up, but then thought of the mess and possibility of bugs and stuff sticking to them.

What makes me the most miserable is knowing how this formerly relaxing hobby that drew admiring walkers from all over the neighborhood is stressing me out. What can I put out this year? What is disposable that I can put out and not be upset about? What about a sign that they are being surveilled? Help me. I am accepting suggestions and looking for that garden or yard that has all my ornamentation.

Taking a breath

What a blur the week has been ~ or should I say the last two weeks have been!! I finally finished my last class on Thursday and gave my presentation. I think that it kept folks a bit wider awake than many others. I kind of got a late start on it and wasn't able to put the music to the Powerpoint program, so I was a bit bummed. If anyone out there knows how to put it on the blog, I would be happy to post it. It was a very interesting subject. If not, I can simply put the text on here at a later time. Nevertheless, I had the class laughing and the teacher thanked me for my including a U2 photo.

This has been such a long week, it has seemed like two. Actually a week ago Wednesday, Mel (my co-weather-nerd sis-in-law) went with me to the NWS's spotter training class. We learned more than I did the last time as I believe they showed more pictures as examples of wall clouds, beaver tails and otter tails and had no question and answer time like the last time. We got to see more photos of the storms forming and the idiots from OK that enjoy driving through softball-sized hail for a good photo. They have always been such a good example of "What not to do". They could be on "what not to wear" showing how unfashionable windshield glass is.

Friday and Saturday I cleaned the house because Saturday I had company from out of town. They spent the night and left Sunday morning.

Monday I met with M. Cooper and R. Sorenson at City Hall. They gave me tons of information on what the city has been and will be doing and invited me to a meeting (actually 3) on Wednesday, but I was just too busy to attend, having already taken about 1 and 1/2 hours off work to attend the Monday meeting and needing to prepare for my presentation. I plan on getting going again on the neighborhood stuff as soon as I can. I gave them several of my ideas that I quickly typed prior to our meeting and they made copies and asked if they could present the ideas. By all means, please do...Nick is graduating and I have to plan that since I put it all on the back burner until I was finished with school. I have to do my final in Urban Soc. next week and then I will be hitting the ground running on that one.

Last night there was an episode that I cannot go into too much detail on here, but Jess found herself in a predicament with a 22 year old convicted sex offender. Needless to say he is under arrest and hopefully will be in jail until the trial. He was on parole from a conviction June of last year. It wasn't the worst that could have happened, thank god, but I think it may have been the best thing that could have happened to open her eyes to the risks she is taking with her current behavior. BTW, the perp IS on the list in her town 8 miles from Sioux Falls and to protect his identity, I will only reveal that his initials are J.N.