Friday, September 17, 2010

Working Curtains

Well, the curtains worked. They are hanging, blowing gently in the cool breeze and much more welcoming than the clanking vertical blinds that I moved to the other side of the window. I got plum and gold. They warm the apartment up a lot. Feathering my nest always seems to help me feel better.


Kim stays with me on Thursday nights. She is from Brainerd and is also an MSW student. We are pretty close friends and found we have so much in common. It is good to talk to her and understand and delve a bit further into the crazy that engulfs me. She normalizes and validates and that helps a lot.

One thing that my therapist used to tell me was, "If you think you're crazy, you're not". I use that quite a bit with people - mainly friends so far - that feel they are losing it. It is actually quite logical, because those who act "crazy" thinking they are normal have probably really lost it.

The alzheimer's beast haunts me here. I go to the table to pick up a package that needs to be thrown away but by the time I get there, I grab the picture frame and wonder what I am doing with it. Perhaps a stupid mindless thing, but nothing seems small when it comes to forgetting anymore.

I laughed. I almost fell down this morning. Kim's husband texted her the message, "Cloudy, windy, foggy, rainy". She told me this prior to my first cup o' joe. I turned and said, "Sounds like a bunch of strippers." She and I both laughed hard at that one. I surprised myself that I could respond so quickly in the morning. Her husband is away on a photo seminar in South Dakota. I needed a laugh.

The leaves are changing into their fall wardrobe here. Reds, yellows oranges are vibrant against the greens that are more stubborn about shedding their summer garb. I love this time of year. Time to get the camera out.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Writing Down my Crazy

I awoke in the middle of the night. The bladder tells the brain to wake up to go to the bathroom, but the brain, like an infant decides regardless what the clock says, it is time to play.


My brain decided to question its own sanity. That's recursive and a downward spiral. Am I going nuts? Am I borderline?

This summer was toxic and painful for me. Brian and Jess did well in convincing me that all was fine until I returned. That didn't help with the sanity. I had to come back here and reunite with sanity to realize that it probably wasn't me. I cried a lot. Belinda and Darcy were going to come see me until all hell broke loose. Kim was contemplating a trip to Sioux Falls - we both decided it would be better if she didn't. I didn't get to see my children - Ben briefly, but not long enough. I feel so much guilt and pain. How much did I sacrifice not just this summer but over the past 10 years because of them? How much could I have stopped? If I think about this, I will drive myself nuts because I can't change it. I can only change the future.

I can't write fast enough to keep up with the thoughts that are racing through my mind. I spoke with Kim this morning and she reassured me that I am not crazy or borderline. Yet, I think of all my emotions that seem to take over my life. I am very weak right now.

My weak state means that I have to avoid certain things that will bring me to my knees. Sometimes that means not reading my dad's blog about my mom's disease and that heart-wrenching pain. I know that I need to know this. I know that my dad is hurting and has no escape from the pain. He reaches out through his blog, and I feel like I just can't right now. I can't do it. I have no strength to offer. But I did this morning and am sitting in Niagara Falls right now.

How do people do it? I know that I am very sensitive. Since I was little I would put myself in other peoples' shoes. I would turn red and be near tears when the teacher would intimidate another child. I probably took it worse than that kid! This sensitivity has led me to the path I am taking in my career. I can empathize with others very naturally. The downside is my emotional life. I live with feelings that I need to get away from.

After I went back to sleep, my dreams were strange. My ex-husband was dead, there were bees everywhere that Nick was trying to kill, and someone left a fetus in my flower pot. I have to get new curtains. Maybe that will help.