As if it wasn't bad enough...

Last night Brian had a friend stay over. This friend has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship and a child from his current. He was seeking refuge from his girlfriend (current relationship) and was drunk when he got here. Nothing like a third person to let me know no matter what, I am wrong and have no rights - even in my own home.

I am not trying to control how he raises her. The rights I try to assert are that I not be called a f@#$ing "c" word in my own home, that I not be verbally assaulted when I am doing a favor they asked me to do and that my home not be destroyed. Perhaps that is asking a lot. I dropped the rope on the parenting a long time ago - not my kid. I am simply seeking my own rights as an adult in a home I own.

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be stepmoms...

If they find me dead, look for the presence of heavy metals. Otherwise, it's just a bleeding ulcer

The Dreaded Trip to the Doctor's Office

I love my doctor.

Today I went in for my dreaded yearly physical. She asked if there was anything new or anything that I wanted to talk about. I brought up my mother's Alzheimer's diagnosis and my foot problems. She asked me questions that seemed relevant. A few that I fumbled on were remembering the date, the season and if I ever have problems with remembering what I had for supper the night before. I also fumbled on the asking questions over and over. I have been catching myself doing that, but thankfully, still catching myself. I have difficulty with words and have been spelling things the way they sound but catch that as well. I forget the names of common items and it drives me crazy. She thinks my lack of sleep could be affecting my memory. I hope that is it. I haven't had a good night's sleep in forever. She wants me to try Ambien, but I am reluctant due to the addictive nature of sleeping pills. They were out of samples anyway...

Speaking with my siblings, I realize that it must be the nature of Betty's offspring, if not all the family members of the afflicted, to become newly alarmed at forgetfulness. That makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in this, yet I still feel selfish asking the doctor about it. I feel guilty. Mom couldn't get a jump on hers. They can do genetic testing. I am waiting to hear whom to call regarding this set up. I don't know about scans, if it would be too early to reveal anything about it. If I can get a jump on the monster, I want to. I would rather die quickly and with dignity and without losing my mind first.

I hate that damned disease. I hate that my mom has it. I don't want anyone else to have it. I feel for my father who has to live with his wife so physically healthy and drifting away little by little in the most painful ways.

Anyway, I also found out that I have Morton's neuroma. It is a thickening of the nerve tissue between the toes. I have severe pain from wearing shoes - any kind of shoe. Probably all the waitressing and other standing jobs affected my feet. Until the time and money birds poop on my doorstep, I will deal.

After the dr. office, I visited the optometrist. My eyelids feel like there is something on the inside of the upper lids. Not so. My eyes are rough and infected where my eyelids touch. They really want to close, though homework stress tries to keep them open. I got eyedrops. Whee! Oh, and one of my prescriptions is $700 dollars. I don't know if I will fill it again.

Thank You Darcy

I got a call this morning from Belinda. Seems her daughter is antsy and wants to go for a road trip. So, they want to come here! I'm glad about that! I can't wait. I know that things can change, but I look forward to this visit! We have not seen each other since our little trip last summer on our way to visiting Jess in Custer. We stopped in Wall and had lunch. Maybe we can take a trip to...? Where? I am taking recommendations for ideas for day trips if anyone has any ideas...

The Stepmother Saga

"I'm mad!" I say.

"I know" he says.

"NO! I'm mad at both of you!"

Then begins the tirade. The stepmom stepping on the father's toes. I tell him that I can shut up anymore! I'm too mad. There is a cycle going on that I can clearly see, but he, for some reason, cannot!

As usual, he is mad at me for being mad at him. This is the pattern. This is the crap that I put up with. He has been doing this since the beginning. He will hold a grudge with me for a long time.

He gets mad at her for 5 minutes, mad at me for years. That is the way it has been. She has a curfew of 11:00. She doesn't come home all night. He tells her she is grounded. From what?, I wonder... She goes out the very next night. He says he is going her phone away, but doesn't. At 11:30 one night, she goes up to ask him if she can go out (A car is waiting outside for her). They are shouting up there. She leaves with a smile on her face and doesn't come back until 6 a.m. or so. She brings him coffee and makes him breakfast. She stays in one night and then back to the same thing over and over and over again. She claims she is so stressed out that she can't stay home. Hmm... Sounds like she wants to go out and is using every excuse to make him feel sorry for her so she can do so.

Today I tell him that I am not a person derives happiness from saying, "I told you so!". I'm not. I tell him that finding her dead in a ditch somewhere is not the time to say, "I should have..." This child is running wild. She stops here to sleep occasionally and use her dad to buy her clothes, make-up and whatever she wants and takes off again. She single-handedly messes up the house and leaves it. I have tried to leave it for her to clean, but inevitably someone is coming over and I have to break down and clean it up. She has no set chores. She doesn't earn any privileges, just acquires them.

I know I was a strict mom. With Nick, I think I was too strict. With Ben a little better, but he allowed that. He was honest. I am trying to get to the point where I can honestly not care about her anymore, or Brian, but why can't I get there?! What is it that is tearing me up on the inside? that drives me nuts about the whole situation? Why can't I just leave it alone and shut my mouth and not be as upset as I am? I keep thinking that he will reach a point where he says, "that's enough!" but it is going to take a lot! I am seeing a destructive pattern here.

Tell me, what do I do? How do I cope with this?! I really want to go back up north and sever these ties. I've thought about it. I've secluded myself up in the bedroom so I don't have to be around it.

Sorry, Mom, but there are reasons I am not marrying him.

I also got my iPod stolen. She let some guy in here that she doesn't know well, "to use the bathroom" and my iPod and Brian's headphones disappeared. Her iPod also disappeared when this stranger said he would charge it for her. He said someone stole it from him. She said that she feels so bad about it that when the guy pays her back for it, she will buy her dad new headphones. I am invisible. Worthless.

When women become stepmoms they, like zombies, should have their mouths filled with salt and their lips sewn shut.