Decisions

Well, I start my new job on Monday.  There will be 2 "solid" weeks of training before I will be basically on call in this new "casual time" position.  The pay is good.  I would be able to overcome a huge barrier to my finding employment and obtain my LICSW.

Unemployment informed me if I want to stay on unemployment, I will have to basically take any job.  McDonalds?

Meanwhile, I have an interview today for the director position in a small agency.  The pay is low, but the rewards intangible.  It would be up to me to increase my salary.  I don't know if I feel comfortable with that.  That, and I would not be able to be independently licensed through my work there, unless I figure out how to do therapy at this advocacy agency.

I also received an e-mail from a Duluth hospital, hiring a psychotherapist, that they will be calling me soon, likely after the holidays.  It sounds like they will be informing me of the details of the position and then interviewing.

As I sit here on one of my last days off before working, I wonder what I should do.  I have taken the casual time job, but what if I am offered one of the other positions?  Especially the director one?

My decisions are so difficult right now.  I have difficulty deciding if I should shower from one day to the next.  It sometimes takes me all day to get in the shower.  Now I am faced with big life-changing decisions like this?  What on earth do I do?  Help.

The Final Straw

Stella and Ziva were playing too rough after they ate their supper.  Ziva ended up pooping on the floor - a rare accident these days and usually inspired by overactivity.  Stella is a hyperactive dog that sees her puppy as a playmate.  I needed a timeout and so did they.  I was putting Stella in her kennel so I could clean up the mess.  Ziva ran in after her.  Fine with me.  I cleaned up the poop and went outside to put it in the trash and shovel a bit.  Over the sounds of the shovel, I heard Ziva shrieking and yelping.  I came in to find Ziva standing on her hind legs in the back corner of the kennel facing out.  I called for her and she did not move.  She continued to whimper.  I had to poke her from the outside of the kennel to get her down and picked her up.  She was covered in poop.  I don't know if additional poop was a result of the attack by Stella or the reason for Stella's attacking her, but no dog rolls in its own poop, so Stella must have attacked her on it.  I left Stella in the kennel while I bathed the apparently traumatized Ziva.

Leaving Stella in the kennel, I cuddled with Ziva until she finally went to sleep.  I let Stella out for her last outing of the night and when she came back in, found Ziva and began growling and biting at her.  I put Stella back in the kennel.  She stayed there through the night until the next morning and then was playing aggressively again.  Kim stopped over and Stella continued to be aggressive towards Ziva, so back in the kennel she went.

I love dogs and think I could have made it work with Stella if she was the only one.  I regret having gotten her when I did, and then came the babies and I was stuck with all of them for 8 weeks longer.  Ziva was the last remaining pup.  I was looking for a home for her until Stella attacked her.

There was other behavior, too.  Stella had no qualms about jumping on the coffee table and knocking things off, onto the floor.  Then she and Ziva would play tug of war with my bills, my documentation for the Minnesota Board of Social Work, magazines, books, etc.  I found part of my Ped Egg the other day.  She would also knock my drinks over onto the floor.  Milk, coffee, pop...it was all fair game to her.  If I would lay on the couch, watching tv, she would get on the top the couch and jump on my stomach.  She liked to put her head above mine.  That is dog language for, "I am in charge of you."

Despite all of this poor behavior, I realize that I was not likely in a good place to train a dog that challenging.  That is a risk you take with dogs, and honestly, I did not see it coming.  Regardless, I found a new home for her where she will be an only child.  Her new owner's dog was run over after a neighbor let the dog out.  The lady was so happy and Stella jumped right in the lady's car without a second look at me.  The lady hugged me and wished me a "Merry Christmas!", stating I had just made her Christmas.  I think since Stella will be an only child, she will be given the attention she demands.

Sage cried.  Ziva seems relaxed and slept through the night without a sound.  I feel guilty, but the thoughts going through my head after the attack had a much harsher end to Stella's presence here.  It is for the better.

WHO says

The Black Dog.

It is awful knowing what you need and not being able to afford it.

What Would I Say?

I went to lunch with Kim2 on Thursday.  She asked if I could talk to my former supervisor what would I say to her?

I've been thinking about this and I know I could not talk to her, because she would not listen to me or take what I tell her to heart.

If I could be promised that she would, I would tell her that people's dislike of her has nothing to do with her skin color.  I would tell her that she is intelligent and honest, but uses neither in a positive way.  I would tell her she is despicable, condescending, judgmental, and controlling.

I would let her know that she consistently violates the NASW Code of Ethics:

When she speaks or gestures negatively about her colleagues:

(a) Social workers should treat colleagues with respect and should represent accurately and fairly the qualifications, views, and obligations of colleagues.
(b) Social workers should avoid unwarranted negative criticism of colleagues in communications with clients or with other professionals. Unwarranted negative criticism may include demeaning comments that refer to colleagues’ level of competence or to individuals’ attributes such as race, ethnicity, national origin, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, age, marital status, political belief, religion, immigration status, and mental or physical disability.

When she tells those without licensure they should not obtain licensure because then they will have to take clients with Medicare:  

Ethical Principles

The following broad ethical principles are based on social work’s core values of service, social justice, dignity and worth of the person, importance of human relationships, integrity, and competence. These principles set forth ideals to which all social workers should aspire.

Value: Service

Ethical Principle: Social workers’ primary goal is to help people in need and to address social problems. 
Social workers elevate service to others above self­interest. Social workers draw on their knowledge, values, and skills to help people in need and to address social problems. Social workers are encouraged to volunteer some portion of their professional skills with no expectation of significant financial return (pro bono service).

and

Value: Dignity and Worth of the Person

Ethical Principle: Social workers respect the inherent dignity and worth of the person. 
Social workers treat each person in a caring and respectful fashion, mindful of individual differences and cultural and ethnic diversity. Social workers promote clients’ socially responsible self­determination. Social workers seek to enhance clients’ capacity and opportunity to change and to address their own needs. Social workers are cognizant of their dual responsibility to clients and to the broader society. They seek to resolve conflicts between clients’ interests and the broader society’s interests in a socially responsible manner consistent with the values, ethical principles, and ethical standards of the profession.

and

Value: Integrity

Ethical Principle: Social workers behave in a trustworthy manner. 
Social workers are continually aware of the profession’s mission, values, ethical principles, and ethical standards and practice in a manner consistent with them. Social workers act honestly and responsibly and promote ethical practices on the part of the organizations with which they are affiliated.

I could never trust her.  She kept telling me I could, all the while going to the COO and planning my demise.  I know this from things that she said to me during meetings.  I told her I could not trust the COO and she told her this.  

She made derogatory comments about the way I dressed and the way my friend Kim1 dresses.  She is a bully.  Someone told her that she is afraid of her, and she is taking that as a racist statement and I hope she does not retaliate accordingly.  She is afraid of her because she is a bully.  I was uninvited to a book club because of her, and I feel she said something to the person who invited me and inevitably had to uninvite me.  This was after I left my job.  

I could elaborate more with examples, but I think I have done so in former posts.  

That question

One should never ask him/herself the question when he/she is down:  If you knew your life would be like it is right now, would you have chosen to live?

When things were going bad at Wells Fargo, and I was having panic attacks about going home to Brian, Jess and Brian's ex's essence in our home, I felt my life was hell and out of control.  It was a passing thought to drive off the road at certain points.  It was a mere flicker of thought.  I knew I could not do it.

I went to counseling and figured out how to put some boundaries in place and things really sucked at times, but handing Brian over his problems and washing my hands of them was inevitably liberating. I never considered myself a control freak, but by trying to gain control of his life so mine would be more in control was what I had tried.

Now when I am alone, my thoughts linger back to those times when I could have just turned the steering wheel sharply and...well, my luck I would have lived, but in worse shape!  But I think of that point in my life.  If I knew that I would be 47 years old, have my master's, be living alone, unemployed with my children out of reach, I don't know if I would have kept that car on the road.

I think when I was a kid, I looked forward to being grown up.  I did not feel comfortable being a kid. I was too mature for other kids.  Everything I wanted to play imitated grown ups.  I hated sitting at the kids' table.  Now I feel like I am at the table all alone.  I am still uncomfortable with who I am, or perhaps my circumstances.

One thing that showed up in therapy with me, was that instead of showing my anger outward, I swallow it.  I project it inward at myself.  Perhaps that is the root of my depression.  Some people are angry at other people, or things or situations and they express it outward.  I come down hard on me.  It is difficult for people to be in the same room with the one they are mad at, and I have a hard time being in the same body as the one I am angry with.  Perhaps it will resolve itself.  Somethings gotta give!

Don't worry, I have no plan or intent to put an end to my life.  I could not do that to my family or friends.  Sometimes life slaps you down.  After getting up and being slapped down again, sometimes you just stay down and wait until it feels safe to come back up again.  I hope I get there soon.

Dammit Dad!

Okay, Dad, you wanted a posting - or at least said you were tired of the Amazing Dog one.  I don't know what there is to blog about.  I think about no one knows my life and how it appears to be so much like the movie, Groundhog's Day.

One day blends into the next and they all seem so trivial - lacking any purpose except that of stopping the inane repetition.

Does Stella appear to be pleading I not get rid of her?  She cannot help herself that she is so annoying.  She is a puppy, after all, and she and I have constant disagreement about who should run the show.  Sage agrees that I should, so I think the majority wins.  She needs to comply, I need to crackdown or she needs to go.  Her puppy racks up points in the cute, small, and sweet category, so Ziva may stay if Stella goes.

After helping a friend move for the second time in a year, I decided to begin to unload myself of many worldly possessions.  My friend has so much stuff that maneuvering around her two bedroom apartment is as of yet impossible.  I don't want to continue to drag stuff everywhere and smaller furniture even sounds attractive.  Unfortunately, I cannot afford the luxury of buying anything right now.  So, I am selling all I do not need.  Since I am a bibliophile, getting rid of books is very difficult.  I will have a garage sale and what doesn't sell will get donated.  The library can do with them what they wish and I won't have to see it.  Eric has also decided to take some of our childhood books.  I have the Precylopedias and Childcraft books.  As long as Eric allows me to visit them once in awhile, I am fine with passing them on.  

Ben finally got the first box I sent him and enjoyed the peanut butter cookies and powder.  I have since learned if you freeze them first they may hold their shape better when you seal them.  I will try that with the next batch.  I made him a batch of fantasy fudge, and did not cut into squares.  I figured I will allow the trip to Japan to break them into squares.

What is happiness?  I struggle with depression since being unemployed.  I am trying to find out how to be happy despite this situation.  It is hard, because I am supposed to earn my unemployment looking for a job and yet, that is so depressing.  I have pages of jobs applied for and rejected for.  I think about furthering my knowledge in my field, yet think I should be busy applying and searching for jobs.  Happiness lies dissected and yet my knowledge of what it is and how to attain it, forever illusive.

If I were my client, I would tell me to be around people.  Do nice things.  Volunteer.  Be active.  Set a schedule and follow it.  Find out what is sucking your energy and amend it.  Start on something for 5 minutes.  If you finish, great, if not, you have 5 minutes of it done.  Eat right and exercise.  Shower and dress daily.  But, I am not my client and I won't listen to me.  

There is a new magazine sitting on my table.  It is livehappy.  Osmosis is not feeding me the information.  Perhaps today after I finish showering, if I do, I will read it.  There is also a Happify website.  But it wants more money for me to keep going.  

So, what did I do to myself?  I spent a great deal of time in my head growing up.  I always hypothesized.  I am beginning to wonder if I set my expectations too high for what I thought should be going on in my life.  I wanted a large, loving family, a house that would be the holiday landing strip for my children and a husband that loved me.  I find myself alone, living somewhere none of my family has even seen and no husband.  

Attitude of gratitude.  

November is the month to be grateful.  Someone out there said that gratitude is the key to happiness.  I find that is a bit shallow.  Kim and I were talking about this.  I am grateful for so much.  I really don't take much for granted.  I love my family and each moment with them is cherished.  I love my dogs.  I am grateful for the warmth of my home.  I never take time spent with friends for granted, either.  So, if I am so grateful, what is the problem?

There is a seminar in January in St. Cloud on happiness.  Maybe I will understand it better then.  If I go.  I just might, because it could be a chance to spend time with Kim if she goes with me.  And I NEVER take that for granted.

One Amazing Puppy

I found Stella online in Brainerd. Her owner only had her for a week and said she did not get along with her husky. We met at a parking lot, and did the "exchange." The owner told me she was 6 months old and she was so cute, happy and eager to come with me. The owner had her cell phone in her bra, so I knew Stella was coming from a class act... I decided she needed rescuing.

Sage, my last dog from the gang of three I had when in Sioux Falls, did not like Stella. Stella was quite submissive in asking for Sage's approval, but Sage was not interested. Stella followed me everywhere. In fact, one sign that something was not right was when she stopped following me everywhere and stayed on the couch.

About two weeks ago, I noticed her nipples were large and her belly was getting bigger. I wondered if she had worms and maybe if some dogs' nipples enlarged when they were going into heat. I was waiting for a heat cycle to spay her because it is better for their bladders to wait until after the first heat cycle. As I started watching her belly, I noticed movement. I thought I was seeing things until the night before last when I was positive that I saw large movement. I tried to wash an old bed of Princess' but the washer had an error code. I waited until the next morning to look up the error code. Unfortunately, when Stella pooped 3 times - instead of her usual 1 - and kept trying to pee, I knew she was in labor and washing the bed would have to wait.

I thought I would try to take a shower as she slept, so laid out some towels and sheets just in case. Then I sat beside her and reassured her that I would be right back. She laid her head on my leg and I could tell she was in pain. Her mouth opened and her body strained and she was shaking. I held her head as her back end reared up and she had about three tail-raising contractions that gave birth to the first puppy - white with black spots.

She looked at it in shock and attended to her rear, that was obviously in pain. She really did not attend to the puppy until I tore the amniotic sac with my fingernails. She lay down next to it and started cleaning it. When I went out to have a smoke, she got off the couch and followed me. The first one nearly crawled off the couch. I put the first one in her crate, and it got its head caught between the little bars. It was a comedy of errors...

After quite awhile, the second came - white with brown spots - after the first was clean and we had a break for a bit. Then with much more pain came the third and largest of them all. It is tan with brown mask and a diamond on its head. She was just beginning cleaning of that one, when the last was born. Black with white feet, tail tip, and collar. She appeared to be out of energy and did not notice the black one under her tail with the rest of them nursing and whimpering. I had to bring it to her attention after I checked to see if it was breathing.

It was quite an experience. She is a very good mother and now is growling at Sage, instead of vice versa. She runs to the door when I leave, seemingly in a panic, afraid I am leaving her. I tried to work in my office today, but she kept coming to get me - and then back to her litter, so I had to bring my computer in the living room by the box of puppies. She is content when I am near her and will sleep then. She is really too young to be a mother. I am here to support her and help where I can. She surprised me! Quite the 5-for-1 discount!

Today Stella came and got me. I thought she had to go outside, instead she led me through the kitchen to the doormat in front of the door to the garage. There I found a poop. She was showing me she could not wait while I was sleeping and had to go. This I find amazing. Every time I let her out to do her thing, she races back inside to be with her babies. Sage gets nipped or at the least severely reprimanded if she is in a 3 foot radius of the puppies.

Afraid to walk out my door...

So, last winter a nice guy helped me dig my car out of the snow in my driveway.  I was hung up on the stuff the city allowed to get packed down before they plowed it into my way.

This year, I found out who the guy was.  He is the neighbor's handyman.  He mows, snow-blows, paints, trims bushes, weeds, etc.  He came into the yard when I was out a few weeks ago, and asked if I would go out for a couple of drinks with him.  He said it has taken him this long to get the gumption to ask.  I agreed to coffee.  We met for coffee at 10:00 am and he was dressed up in his work clothes: old t-shirt, old jeans and ball cap.  Really, he shouldn't have.

Over coffee "we" discussed all the stuff in his garage and basement he needed to get rid of, the stuff he has sold at online garage sales, his stepdaughter from a previous relationship, and he did not ask me anything about me.  Afterwards he gave me his phone number and I did not reciprocate.

He has come knocking on my door, caught me outside and talked my ears off.  I don't want to go out with him.  I am not interested.  He even stated that I have not given him my number, and I agreed and nodded. (Yeah, you're right.  I did not.)  He is attempting to discourage me from leaving Brainerd, asking if I contacted that one lady in private practice.  Telling me I should so I don't have to leave here.

He mowed my side of the yard next to my neighbors' yard, went through my cardboard I have out for pickup, thinking I wouldn't mind and has monopolized my time.  I am chalking up the hours of my life I will never get back.  I am irritated beyond belief.  Monday, he came over when the contractor was here to put my door on and started talking to me just to apparently mark his territory.  Yesterday he came over every time I walked outside.  He does not recognize the deep frown on my face or the indifference to his narratives or the fact I don't reciprocate with the conversation.

I hate NOT working, and my time at home is evolving into complete hell with this guy working next door every single day!  I am already motivated to find a job.  He is motivating me to agoraphobia.  Tomorrow there is a workshop at the unemployment office.  I signed up for it just to get away.  Leave me the @#$% alone!

I understand - have been told, anyway - men can't take hints.  I believe it.  The next time he comes over I will make certain he gets the hints - I will tell him to leave me alone.

Apparently teens these days would say in disgust, "Stalker!"  or "Creeper!"

I think when I was miserable being lonely and not having anyone to talk to, this was the universe's answer to my request to end my loneliness.  Ha. Ha.  I am not amused.

Magnum v. Charlie's Angels

I remember when growing up, we watched a great deal of tv.  It was our entertainment.  Renee and I wanted to watch Charlie's Angels and Mom and Dad insisted on watching something else.  I don't know if it was at the same time as Magnum P.I. or if they were even competing, but the argument was that Charlie's Angels objectified women.

Years later I caught an episode of Magnum P.I. and realized that women in that series were usually bikini clad and had no significant or powerful role in the series.  I thought about how, at the time, Charlie's Angels may have been the most empowering television show for women.  I did identify with the brainy one in the trio...