Those Mother-Daughter Lost Things

I used to have dreams of doing things with Mom.  Some were discussed.  Some were going to be surprises I was hoping I could afford later.

Mom and I discussed going to Omaha and wandering around the old marketplace area - can't thing of what it is called now.  We were going to go down for a day.  She would show me haunts and show me around the areas she loved down there.  We would eat authentic Italian food and window shop.  These were the things she loved to do.  We both love little shops and history.

I had hoped to surprise her sometime later with a mother-daughter trip to Ireland.  She always wanted to go.  I had hoped to be able to save up for and afford this.  I looked forward to doing this with my mom.  We both had similar tastes in things to do.

When I last saw my mom, I was leaving her in the nursing home.  I never expected this to happen so fast if she was to get Alzheimer's.  I thought we had time.  Turning to leave that last day I saw my mom, her natural brown hair contrasting the white and gray hair of the other nursing home residents.  She was in a wheelchair, totally absorbed in the activity apron they had tied around her.  She is reduced to basically an infant, with the exception of very few short comprehensible sentences.  She switches quickly from lucid (rare) to oblivious.

Brian's dad died last week.  Despite my grief, I am appreciate the finality of this loss.  It is over.  There is closure.  With Mom, we are grieving her loss piece by piece.  She is mostly gone, but we continue to visit her and yearn for the parts of her we used to know.  I don't know if she is suffering like we are.  It doesn't seem so.  I think we suffer for her and for us.  All of us.  We are grieving her loss and ours.  I'm guessing other family members think the same unthinkable thoughts I do about the speed of her demise at this point.  We don't want to lose Mom, but we mostly have.  There will be no mother-daughter trips.

The Clients

The caseload is growing.  So far, I haven't lost any clients.  I guess that's good.  This is my second week.

It is difficult.  The wanting to hug some clients for all they are going through.  This includes parents as well.  Facing the suicide of a parent seems to be a common stressor as is outside placement.  Regardless of what parents do, the children will always love them.  They seem to canonize the absent parent regardless of what happened.

Homelessness is the fate of another client.  Mom is so disappointed in herself for letting her daughter down.  They are so close, though.  They have no table to have a nightly meal on and discuss the day's events.  They go to bed in partitioned rooms in a shelter.  The daughter is afraid and sad.  She is picking up her mother's angst and depression.  I so want to let them stay in my house in that empty bed that is soft, allow them to have their own space and privacy.  I can't though.  Boundaries, you know...

Untimely death of a parent is a shocker for many families.  Moms aren't supposed to die that young.  Some dads don't know the first thing about being a mother.  She was going to stay home with the children until they were older.  Plans change.  Everything comes to a screeching halt then suddenly everything flies in the air and settles where it was never before.  There is no guidebook.  No contingency plan.  Dads working long hours to support the family are suddenly faced with these huge eyes looking out of these tiny bodies pleading for the answers that dad wished he had himself.  How do we communicate?  Moms are so often the glue of the family.  They are dispatch of family relationships.

Once again, I am also dealing with sexual abuse.  It is such an epidemic - or perhaps it was always there.  Who knows?  I know that it messes kids up in ways they will never understand.  The squeaky wheels are the ones we see.  There are those kids who don't squeak so much that I have the most concern for.  They are sworn to secrecy to protect most likely their parents in one way or another.

They say some odd things as well.  They experience life sometimes in more mature ways than their mentally ill parents.  Most of all, I see through the eyes of these children both pain and fear.  As Pat Benetar says, "Hell is for children".  Indeed it seems to be so.

The Office

It was difficult after graduating, paying $60,000 for 3 letters behind my name to be relegated to a cubicle again and work basically out of my car.  I drove to my clients' homes and met them there in their environment.  However, it was good to see their surroundings: the things on the walls, tables and cabinets that were symbols of what was important to them.  The grieving family had numerous shrines dedicated to their son who died too soon for them to accept.  The abusive father with the knife collection lived in a house reeking of urine with the bible next to a notebook on the couch.  The sweet little girl lived in the basement with a lock on the door leading down to it.  The single mom confined to a welfare slum, making the best of it with her children's photos and drawings posted all over the walls.  I built relationships there.

Now I have an office.  I realize that I am elated not to have to drive miles and miles to see my clients.  Since I rolled my car at age 16, driving has not been my favorite duty.  I am doing child, adolescent and family therapy in one of the largest offices in the building.  It came furnished with a black leather couch, a white '80's (halogen?) lamp, a discount store cabinet filled with toys and papers, and a laminate wood and metal desk.  Oh, let's not forget the gray carpet with a large dark stain on it.  I immediately logged on to Amazon and ordered artwork and a large carpet to warm up the place.  I really can't afford it on my sparse salary, however, I need to ensure my clients are comfortable and have more than white walls to look at.  For now, I have a bulletin board with photos of my dogs.   Children love animals.

I am looking forward to decorating with pieces of art from second-hand stores for now.  I will have pens, pencils, crayons, paints, craft kits and all sorts of stuff that I can work on with the kids.  I have requested additional chairs for my office.  I will not sit in an office chair.  That implies power and expertise, and my clients are the experts of their lives - not me.  I can't wait until it is done!  I also have established good relationships with the facilities people who stated they will paint my office for me.  Oh, joy!

Fevered Hilarity

I almost called in sick to my doctor's appointment yesterday.  I felt faint and like I was cruising on some form of psychedelic drug.  I was running a fever.  I am on yet my 3rd antibiotic for cough and sinus symptoms.  Yesterday was by far the worst.  Yet I could not sleep.  I got back on Netflix and watched The Man Who Cried.  It had Christina Ricci and Johnny Depp in it.  I watched another movie or two after that. I finally fell asleep in the middle of Moll Flanders and woke up out of a strange dream.  Johnny Depp and I had announced to all our facebook friends that we were expecting our love child.  I laughed so hard when I woke up that I landed in a full coughing fit - followed of course, by a new facebook entry.  

The identified client

Sometimes, actually quite often, parents bring their children in for us to "fix".  This is the problem in their family.  This child is causing problems.  In doing in-home therapy I get to see the dynamics.  Especially when their guards are down.  I see the "problem child" getting angry as a reaction to something perfectly understandable.  I see the parents expecting this child to act better than the other children who are far less responsible or vulnerable.  I see the mother refusing to show her daughter respect first, to model the respect she demands from her.  I see the father being annoyed when the "problem child" is talking to him, but perfectly calm when the others talk to him.  I see the defeat in these "problem children"'s eyes.

I see why they are cutting.  And, no, mother of problem child, it isn't to make you mad.  I wish I could shake the parents until their eyes open!  But the parents are committed to their views.  They are right.  Problem child is wrong.  They are good - problem child is bad.  These problem children are stuck.  The good things they do are never good enough.  If they compare their treatment by their parents to the treatment of their siblings, the parents tell them to mind their own business.  Same if they tell on the others. Yet when the tables are turned, the parents are open to the tattling of the siblings on the problem child - because it is congruent to their committed beliefs.

Where can these children go?  What can they do?  I see how hard they try and want to tell them to put blinders on and tread forward towards the good in them.  And I see a lot of good in them.  But I know it won't matter.  Even a therapist cannot help.  The parent is that committed.

Surreally happening?

The last month and one-half was a whirlwind.

After a bout with severe depression where I was behind in all my classes, I got caught up. It was painstaking work to get it all done. I honestly didn't think I could do it. The paralysis of the depression left me so I just couldn't do it. I don't know why.

I was hired at Northern Pines on the condition that I have my masters. I had to get it done. Then was graduation, followed the day after with my orals. I passed. Then I had to find a house. The financial bits had to be gathered. Research and providing proof. Writing a letter to the underwriters had to be done, I found that Brian had maxed out my line of credit, that he said was his. He was angry that he suddenly had to pay that off, and angry that he had to give me any money at all. I had to (just remembered I forgot to pay rent for June at the old place) explain things for my credit report and provide all sorts of proof that I was worth approval. In the middle of all of this, I had to go back to my internship, meet with my supervisor to explain the database I provided for her, run to Little Falls for orientation, get boxes, etc. I have felt like I have had to force myself to do all of this. Push, push, push. I started my job, continued gathering financial evidence, found homeowners insurance, contacted the movers, commute back and forth to Duluth. Pack... I have had so many accomplishments that I haven't celebrated. Celebrating this stuff is normal - what everyone else is doing, yet I have had no time.

Tuesday, I got lost on my way to an in-home session. I knew I had enough gas to make it there, but I forgot to allow for getting lost. It was off the beaten path and about 30 miles from the office. It was a beautiful drive until I got lost. I met with the family, then drove to the gas station that I passed on the way only to discover that the pumps were empty. "Sorry for the inconvenience," the sign said. I passed gas station after gas station closed due to the economic conditions of the area. It got to 98 degrees that day, and I had the air conditioner off to save gas. When I got gas, I was walking through the station and everyone was walking slow. It is a cultural thing. A little thing. Then I realized that everything was so unfamiliar! I don't know this area. By the time I got to Brainerd, I was having a full-blown panic attack.

"WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING?! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!" I am in a strange city, buying a home, starting a new job with no family around... HO-LY SHIT! I pulled over to the side of the road. I tried to call my friend, Kim, but she didn't answer. I took a deep breath, cried a couple of tears and realized I just can't break down now. My first week of work, I cannot come back from an in-home with a red tear-stained face. I bucked up and made it back.

Today I contacted the utility companies, attended a day-long training, went to an in-home, and installed my gps - even people who have lived here their whole lives need them to do in-home work. Tomorrow, I close on the house, go to work then head back to Duluth to finish packing. The movers are coming Saturday or Sunday. They haven't called me back yet. I arranged and paid for a U-Haul for Brian to bring me my stuff from Sioux Falls. He is coming Saturday night, so I reserved a motel room for him and his new family. Sunday, I have to be in Brainerd to let him in and get my dogs and get moved in.

As long as I don't think about it, I'm fine.

Meh

I wish school was over. Sick of the homework and sicker of myself procrastinating. There is an end in sight. But... Nevermind.

Ben is off in the Navy's possession. I spoke with him for the last time before he was sequestered from civilians yesterday. He's so grown up. I already miss him.

House papers signed and ready to go on the market. Good realtor this time. They know how to market a home. Brian's been working his ass off to get it ready, as well he should. No anger there of course. His girlfriend has been helping. Bless her little heart.

Stunt Ande is here. She has taken my place to continue with fewer emotions. The last two days should have been emotional but were flat. Good? Who knows. (Stuff, stuff, stuff...)

Needing something to look forward to.

Harrumph!

Muddling Through the Mire

I suppose a part of me is embarrassed to write about this. I think we all go through it occasionally in our lives.

Depression set in with an overwhelming plop. I am sure much of it is situational, some could be hereditary and some could be seasonal. Grieving the loss of an almost 11 year relationship is tough. Being away from my family and support system is also tough. Having other things at home go wrong is also hard. Pile that on with a smattering of graduate school homework, and I got behind, overwhelmed and more depressed. I try to shield most from it and put on my happy face. But I am glad that I am getting help.

Help consists of a counselor at school who admits I am his oldest client (ever). At least I can joke and say I have to pick my therapist up at daycare. I also made a good attempt at trying to add a booster antidepressant on to my current one. That was laughable - at least I think so. I feel like "the story of my life..." ends up much the way this attempt did. Let me explain...

I finally did the inevitable and asked for something more. The doctor gave me a thorough exam including a neurological exam that left me late for my therapy session. She did not want to prescribe anything without getting my records from Sioux Falls. Oy vey. So I filled out all the requests and she gave me a prescription for a "booster" antidepressant. It was something I had already had so no big deal, or so I thought. She told me to call her if I had any unusual symptoms like heart racing, seizures, etc. I didn't expect anything, but should have known my depression wasn't going to give up that easily...

Within an hour of taking my first booster pill, I became very shaky. Since I wasn't expecting any reaction, I thought it was because I had been out running errands all day without eating. So I ate and tried to lay down. My heart began racing late in the night. I called the dr.'s office that morning and they said she was out all day, but that she usually checks her messages. I began experiencing other symptoms that were scaring me. My muscles were tightening up and I became weak. I was scared. No call. Must be a normal reaction, but this wasn't right. I wasn't going to take another pill.

Two days later I got a call from the doctor. She apologized for not getting back to me. I am guessing she either didn't get or didn't check her messages. By the time she called me, I was experiencing acute agitation and emotional crap. I continued to have symptoms into the weekend. Monday she called again to ask how I was doing and said that she wanted to check my vitals. I told her that I had an appt at the clinic for Wednesday. She said she would see me then.

I waited forever to get in to see the dr. The paper I held that I was supposed to give to the nurse said, BP, nurse check. So, after waiting 25 minutes, I went to the desk and asked if I could just check my blood pressure at Walgreens and call it in. They called up to the nurse and she came immediately. When I did get in to talk to the dr., she informed me that I had experienced serotonin syndrome. When I looked it up on pubmed, it states, "a potentially life threatening drug reaction..." Great. I try not to get too excited about my symptoms, always fearing hypochondria lurking in my depths but I guess I should have acted more quickly. The doctor also informed me that she had a consultation with the nurses there on how I should have been seen immediately for my symptoms. Good to know - NOW!

The good news is that I should be out of the woods. I have an appointment next week so they can do blood work and make sure there is no organ damage. That always makes a person confident in their medical treatment.

So goes the resounding theme in my life. I am down. I signal for help and the big ship that should be coming to my rescue, runs over me. At least I can laugh about it - I think....

Diversity thingamabob

Turned out to be a pretty good day.

Today was the big summit. Kim and I worked at the registration tables until 10:00. I met and remet many people. There was a photographer there who does photos of various populations. He has them with chalkboards telling the world what or who they are. That was interesting.

The presentation that I organized was a hit! Not only did my presenters show, their boss and a few cohorts did as well! It was freaking amazing! It was the first of all the sessions to reach capacity (and then some!) After the session people spent a great deal of time speaking with all of the Integration Specialists. One of them gave me a hug, too! Much needed. Many kudos on this idea and arranging them to speak. :)

Our class also met with the keynote speaker. Sometimes I wonder when I am at a presentation, why the speaker looks at me so much. Also when I'm in class and a question is answered, why do people look at me when answering?

I got my iPad last night at about 6:30. I haven't had much time to play with it yet. Can't wait! Apps are awaiting. I used it today to take notes at some of the sessions. People were whispering behind me... My friends were jealous. I used to like that, but not so much anymore. I don't know why.

Looking Up?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I have so many superstitions. One of mine is acknowledging the positive after the negatives have pounded me into the ground. I am afraid that it will be contradicted. Here I will throw caution to the wind and say that today is going well.

My supervisor used the words "freaking awesome" to describe the database that I created for her. Apparently it is quite timely as well. Meeting today to discuss the current system. That felt good.

There is a diversity summit tomorrow and I suggested and arranged for two speakers to present. Communication has been sparse at best. I just received an e-mail from one of the speakers stating they got together and reviewed information, spoke to the coordinator and are ready to go! Such relief. I was fearing their absence and cringing for that impact. Not so. It is ready to roll and my work is done on that!

Today my iPad is supposed to arrive. In total, it departed China twice, Hong Kong once, went to Alaska, Kentucky, Minneapolis, Eagan, MN, and now it is out for delivery. I am like a little kid looking out the window to see if UPS is out there. I am afraid to shower and look out the window before I even go to the bathroom. Hurry! I am certain that all my troubles will disappear upon its arrival!

Some days...

Sunday and yesterday were tough.

I admit it. I told Brian's parents about the women. I was beyond the bad place that I have been finding myself in lately. I feel so bad. Yesterday he called and he was angry with me and wanted to know why.

I'm tired of hiding the truth. I'm tired of putting on that happy face and acting like everything is going great for his benefit. I am angry, sad, devastated, relieved, tormented, depressed, hopeless, lonely, motivated, paranoid, strong, etc. I cannot predict when I will feel what. When you don't have time off between relationships, you don't have to feel that. He doesn't get why I am like this yet he keeps saving himself from going through this. He doesn't realize that I moved up here because we love it up here and were thinking about living up here together. I was putting one joint foot forward for us. Now I am alone without even a dog. I have friends, but they have families and friends and busy lives. Now that he has another woman visiting my house, petting my dogs, sleeping in my bed he cannot understand why I go through all this and feel betrayed and alone. His life is an exclamation point right now. Mine is a question mark.

My self-esteem is suffering. I'm trying with self-talk to pull myself up. Valentines Day was hard. I try to tell myself that I have done this before, but I had a good support system at work and at home. I had my kids and we would do things together and have a good time with just us. It really seems harder this time.

I think about the hell I went through every time I went back to Sioux Falls since I have been up here. It is pure insanity. I do feel healthier here without that. I'm sure my blood pressure is better here.

Yesterday I was going to spend my night wooing myself with a life list. The last time I did that, so many things on the list came true. I thought it would be better than wallowing in my loneliness. Not long after I got the notebook out to do so, the phone rang and it was Brian. No list. More tears. He just doesn't get it.

Tired

Okay. I was halfway expecting the topper to my shit sandwich...

Today I got up at 5:30 to work on homework. I was going to be good and work diligently on finishing my paper for Clinical class. However, my computer began making sounds. I said a little prayer and hooked it up to the back-up drive. No luck. It refused to work long enough to back up everything I did today.

I spoke with Eric and found out what I needed to know to get a new hard drive. I pulled into Best Buy shortly after 10 only to find they were out of internal hard drives for laptops. What in the world!?! They were also out of Snow Leopard except for the $50 family pack. I asked where I could find these. He recommended the UMD Bookstore. I called there and the computer corner wasn't open, but they said they could go down and get what I needed. When I arrived, they said they couldn't help me. The look on my face must have plead otherwise, because several phone calls were made and I got the hard drive and the software.

I came back home and tried repeatedly to install the hard drive. First one rubber guide came off, then another! I could not get the blasted thing in there. Several Kleenex later, I called Best Buy and asked if their Geeks could help. They said they could have a look. I drove back out there and sure enough, he got it in on the first try. I have no idea how he could have done that when I tried all afternoon! But, will not argue. Finally I could begin the process of recovering everything from the back-up drive. After I looked up at the clock, it was 7:30. I spent the whole day on this project and hadn't even begun my homework!

There is a reason I have a Munch's "Scream" mug!

I don't get the Karma thing. I have helped so many people this past week and this is what I get? I hope I am getting Karma rewards points for all the bad things that have happened. Please?! If so, I think this past week has racked them up for a year or more. Or should I maintain flinch position?

I hate this...

I just got done talking to Brian. He says that there is no way that he can pay any more for a house payment that what he is right now. So, that means that I won't get the money out of the house until he sells it.

The problem with selling it is that he is blind to the mess he and his daughter create. The house when "cleaned" to their specifications is awful. When I had the realtor come through he made a few points about the house and getting it ready to sell. First of all, he said to get Brian and Jess out. He didn't think that it would sell while they were there with all the clutter. He also said that it would be difficult to sell with the dogs there. There are also a number of things that need to be fixed before it could go on the market.

Brian did not have any time to do any work on the house when I was there over Christmas. Now with a girlfriend and a busy social life, when will he have time to do this?

So many questions race through my mind. Did he have this planned all along? Get rid of me, get his name on the title, and not sell it. He bought a new vehicle in October. This could be why he doesn't have any money?

I don't know what to do. Keep an eye out for refrigerator boxes for me. I don't know how I will be able to afford a home now.

Ow!

So much has happened through Grad School.

I really feel as if I have grown. I have met people that I hope to stay in contact with for a very long time. I met a really great person and great friend, Kim. There have been many good things that have happened.

Somedays it is difficult to think of that. Right now I am far away from home. Where I came from, I cannot return. I can only go forward. There are so many scary things to face alone.

It is an adventure that I am embarking on. Like all good adventures, there is risk. What if I don't find a job? What if I can't find a place to live that I can afford? What if, what if, what if...

To top it all off, I have permanently ended things with Brian. After almost 11 years, I stopped waiting for him to decide and now I decided. Despite the affairs and the lies and the distance, it is hard. We have many years of memories. He fit well into the family and loves everyone.

I look forward to living with much less stress, but think about the years I wasted and the impact the relationship with Brian and Jess had on mine with my boys. Those were some of the worst years of my life. Perhaps I will write a book someday. Not now. I have journal after journal with tear warped pages of all the hurt. When it was good, it was very good. When it was bad it was excruciating.

I worry, as single women of my age do, about not having anyone to spend the rest of my life with. I am afraid to get out there again, yet afraid not to. I hate dating. I would love to have a guy to hold hands with and share witticisms with. Someone this time without baggage steeped in insanity.

My son is leaving for boot camp in the Navy in about a month. He is in for 4 years. That tears me apart. He is a good kid and damn, will I miss him. I hope he is safe.

Then there is Mom. I am so far away, yet the pain is still close and real. It's no fair. I get angry, depressed and cry with pain at what is happening. Dammit! This isn't the way it is supposed to be.

So, the OCD roared back today. The thoughts of going nuts and having to control that by cleaning the house, organizing the paperwork and such. So many things are out of my control. I feel really alone sometimes. Although I know friends are a phone call away, I don't want to burden anyone with this. I know how consuming it is to me, and most people can't take other people's pain. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone...

I have homework all over the place. Lots of due dates coming up. Graduation coming up. Need to get a job. Get my LGSW. So much. Find a place to live. Right now it all seems so be all up in the air. Disorganized and out of control. It is difficult to feel sane right now. As my therapist once told me, if I think I am going crazy, I'm not. Because if I were, I would not know I was. Think further into it... Nah. I don't want to bring anyone here with me.

What is it About an Intoxicated Mentally Unstable 17-Year Old Girl Holding a 9 mm Handgun That Makes Me Nervous?

I am glad I am back in Duluth.

I don't want to talk about what happened in Sioux Falls. About Jessica dropping out of school, staying out all night, drinking, hurting the ones that love her most. I don't want to talk about Brian's attempts to corral her behavior, followed quickly by his just wanting her to go away after she brought him emotionally to his knees, and his eventually apathy and subsequent depression. I don't want to mention that I told her to NEVER AGAIN, when angry with me, say the words that hurt me most and how she did it anyway and I told her that was IT- I couldn't do it anymore.

I don't want to talk about how her Facebook profile picture of her standing holding a 9 mm handgun with a mixed drink beside her bothers me and makes me afraid for Brian's life and glad I am not there...

I contacted a realtor. At this point, I don't think I care how much the sale of the house will provide. I just want them out of it, and that responsibility off my back. Self-preservation. I want my dogs with me. I think what Brian does at this point is his life. He needs to get the house fixed up to sell. A stager is coming through to tell him what needs to be done to sell. So far it doesn't seem like much to do, just painting and cleaning.

So, I am winding up that chapter of my life. The best part is that I have probably found my calling in life. I presented on stepfamilies for Northern Pines. Afterwards, many of the people there came up to me with specific questions on their situations or clients. Perhaps that nearly 11 years of my life has not been in vain.

Baby's First Speaking Engagement

Well, the call came this evening. From Northern Pines Mental Health. They want me to speak on stepfamilies.

With my most recent adventures I hardly feel like a success. My relationship with Brian is all but deteriorated. Jessica is off drinking, smoking and refusing to go to school. When telling Brian of my thoughts on my failure in light of this speaking engagement, he disagreed. He feels that Jessica has given me soooo... much experience with stepfamilies that I should be more than qualified to speak on the subject.

The willful child

Oy vey. More stepfamily shit.

Jessica was basically kicked out of Brandon High School for academic behavioral issues. She then went to East Dakota in Sioux Falls. This is where they send Brandon kids with such issues. She missed too much school and was kicked out of there. Today she was scheduled to do testing at Joe Foss, the school for kids not succeeding in Sioux Falls Schools. She purposefully failed those tests. Brian is ready to kill her. She wants what she wants when she wants it.

South Dakota passed a law stating that kids have to stay in school until they are 18. At Joe Foss, they told Brian that they just had a parent arrested because the kid wasn't in school. According to Joe Foss, she will have to go to Lincoln High unless Brandon accepts her as their student again. Brian just did the paperwork to have her transferred to the Sioux Falls district to go to Joe Foss. Jessica is refusing to go to Lincoln. I think she would enjoy seeing Brian in jail. She could have the house to herself and all her friends over. Volunteers of America has a program for GEDs that is free for kids from out of town schools. That is the only thing she is agreeing to do. We don't know yet, if Brandon will accept her back. If so, they may not agree to the GED thing. Schools get money for students enrolled in their district. She may not have a choice.

With her record, having been in DOC custody, if she is placed in JDC, she will likely go back into DOC custody. This would be good for Brian. He is tired of her crap. She said she wants to go into the service, but according to a phone call Brian made this morning, they do not accept GEDs. The only way they will accept this is if she goes into their GED program.

Last night I brought up Jessica World. This is the world where she can get a job easily, go somewhere where she doesn't have to work to get her GED and can do whatever she wants. I was trying to get her to nail down what she wants to do. She will be 18 in July and should be thinking about this. She got mad and asked why I was asking all these questions. She has always had people covering for her. Brian and I have always worked harder than she has to get her through school. Brandon allowed her to pass to the next grade without failing her from the time she was small. There would have been some social consequences if that happened, but it seemed necessary. Yet, it never happened. She is working right now at about a 5th grade level if that.

This is where it is.

Stepfamily stuff II

Parenting dysfunction the stepfamily way:

Parenting differences in intact families can impede upon the process itself. In intact families, you have two different parenting styles. This can cause conflict when one parent may be more lenient or uses different consequences. It is often difficult to agree on how to handle children.

Stepfamilies often differ in more emotionally charged ways for a number of reasons. One is my child vs. your child. It is only human to protect and provide for our own children. When another person's child comes into the picture on a permanent basis, there is a difference in how we treat another's child. We may expect more from our own children. We have rules that have existed before the blending that work for our family. This other child and parent may not feel these rules should apply to them. It is new. It is different. Perhaps Dad only sees his child every other weekend. He doesn't think that his child should have to be involved in the Saturday morning cleaning routine. He doesn't want his child to hate coming, so perhaps this child is excluded from the chores aspect of family life. He says his child didn't contribute to the mess, so shouldn't have to clean it up. This child is spending Saturday mornings watching cartoons while Mom's children are doing the cleaning and resenting Dad's child for living the good life. Friction between the children = friction between the parents.

Bedtime:

When Jessica came into our family, she had no set bedtime. Whenever she fell asleep in front of the t.v. was her bedtime. My children who were older had set bedtimes. During the week it was 9 pm and on the weekends, it was 10. This posed a problem. Do we change my children's bedtimes or hers? Since she was younger, to me it made sense to change hers. Brian, on the other hand felt I was too strict. It was difficult for my children to be in bed knowing that this younger child was up late. Although we discussed this issue between us, it took quite some time to resolve it. I think Brian began to recognize the benefits of having time without the children before we went to bed and began to require her to have a set bedtime as well. Prior to that, I had to ask him to require her to leave the boys alone when it was their bedtime.

The sense of belonging:

If rules are different for one child than the others, it impedes upon a child's sense of belonging. Although kids will not naturally ask to have chores like everyone else, it does give them the sense that they are part of the organism of family at that residence.

There is no denying the guilt of the parent who has visitation. Brian went from being the primary caregiver of his daughter to being the part-time father. This was devastating. To top it off, Jessica's mother was telling her that her dad had a new family and didn't care about her anymore. The courts are slow in recognizing the impact of emotional and psychological abuse. They are also slow in recognizing that not all mothers are maternal or primary caregivers.

Stepfamily stuff...

So, it sounds like therapists and agencies are hungry for the latest information on therapy with stepfamilies. Having realized the problem of few helpful resources for stepfamilies, I thought it would be a good specialty to go into. I have been surprised, however at the lack of information available for someone who intends to pursue the sport of addressing stepfamily issues.

I know a small piece of what my stepfamily is. I understand the dynamics and the need to be accepted by the rest of the world. There are my children, his child, their interactions, my interactions with my children, with his child, our relationship, my parents, my siblings, his parents, my ex-husband, his ex-wife, their parents... That is merely the family corner if you look from a systems approach.

The systems approach sees people from the perspective of all their interactions in their environment. There is the family system, the school system, employment, community, close friends, etc. All of these interact and have an effect on each other. A good way to describe this is with a mobile. If you move one piece of a mobile, the other pieces all move as well.

Our society looks at family from the nuclear family perspective. A mother, a father and the children. Although there is no handbook on how to raise your family, there are traditional roles played by the members. The parents are the authority figures, bring home the bacon and split the resources accordingly. The children say, "that's not fair!" when resources are not distributed to their liking and tend to argue and play with each other.

A stepfamily is different. Mom's new friend comes over occasionally at first and then after awhile, may move in or marry her. The children develop a relationship of friendship with this person until the unspeakable happens: He moves in. The resources including finances, food, space and time are all askew. If he has children, the situation escalates to that of a haphazard blended concoction. Everyone wants it all to work out, but looking from the systems approach, the adjustments ripple through every aspect of their lives. In the most well-meaning of families, this is difficult. Throw in a couple of cups of antagonism from former spouses and the result is a vile explosive mixture.

More later!