Crawling out of my skin
My demons within are rearing. I have tried to prepare myself for this, but there is only so much I can do. Those who have lived with me know this about me... This horrid creature is called OCD. When I went home to help with Jessica's tonsillectomy, I couldn't stand the disorder. I couldn't wait to get back home to the order. Now I am living in this mess of moving.
My therapist used to leave the rice from play therapy on the floor for my session. I could handle it for an hour. This is more than an hour. The anxiety of living this for weeks on end is going to be my undoing. My anxiety level is high. I can't wait until Thursday but until then, the misery is not leaving me. There is no way to escape it. I know I can leave the house, but have to come back to it.
When I moved here, I had everything unpacked and put away in a short amount of time. I think, possibly one or two days. I definitely found a way to have most of the house in order at all times. I couldn't handle living with boxes all over the place. Now there are boxes and boxes and boxes. I can't move around. I can't go anywhere where everything is in its place where it should be for me to inhale and exhale properly. I keep catching myself holding my breath, tensing my muscles, and being very edgy.
My friend Kim is coming this evening. This is a relief. She and I can laugh about it and drink some wine and somehow I hope things will be better. Until then, I have to try to work some semblance of a life around the boxes and the monster.
and i cannot find the charger for my camera battery!
S. O. S.
5 comments:
maybe you culd conscetrate on how im righting this in such a effed up wai. no capitolization myspelling stuf. does it help?
I love you. Know that it was very hard for me to write the above. Not the love part, the other.
It helps to know that I am not alone in this. You have some dragons, too. I really do need to know how to get the clock to move faster, though.
I love you, man!
I have never been one for order but I have to put up with it because it isn't all mine now.
You've moved a lot. Did it drive you nuts back in the bad old days?
Love you Ande. I imagine you are now in your new place - amidst boxes!! Argh!
Nice to see you blogging, again.
I think that I really began keeping my room clean (and decorated) in jr. high or high school. The older I got the more I could not stand messes or losing things. After Mike left, I did a little independence dance and somehow began to notice clean house = better ability to concentrate, less stress, less guilt and more relaxation. So...the correlations kept coming and when life got chaotic, I cleaned. This reduced stress in that area of my life and seemingly others as well. I hate coming home to a mess and if it is too bad I am overwhelmed and don't know where to start. So...clean house=happy Ande. Chaos=tears, stress and frustration.
I have almost all of the boxes emptied. It would be "all" but for the homework deadline tomorrow. So, trying to stumble through with the distraction of that little chaos. When I take study breaks, I bring empty boxes down or empty another box. It is getting better.
The etiology of OCD? Anyhow, it must be nice to have such a great tranquilizer with no side effects.
I still haven't picked that up. Maybe later.
POOKA
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