Writing Down my Crazy
I awoke in the middle of the night. The bladder tells the brain to wake up to go to the bathroom, but the brain, like an infant decides regardless what the clock says, it is time to play.
My brain decided to question its own sanity. That's recursive and a downward spiral. Am I going nuts? Am I borderline?
This summer was toxic and painful for me. Brian and Jess did well in convincing me that all was fine until I returned. That didn't help with the sanity. I had to come back here and reunite with sanity to realize that it probably wasn't me. I cried a lot. Belinda and Darcy were going to come see me until all hell broke loose. Kim was contemplating a trip to Sioux Falls - we both decided it would be better if she didn't. I didn't get to see my children - Ben briefly, but not long enough. I feel so much guilt and pain. How much did I sacrifice not just this summer but over the past 10 years because of them? How much could I have stopped? If I think about this, I will drive myself nuts because I can't change it. I can only change the future.
I can't write fast enough to keep up with the thoughts that are racing through my mind. I spoke with Kim this morning and she reassured me that I am not crazy or borderline. Yet, I think of all my emotions that seem to take over my life. I am very weak right now.
My weak state means that I have to avoid certain things that will bring me to my knees. Sometimes that means not reading my dad's blog about my mom's disease and that heart-wrenching pain. I know that I need to know this. I know that my dad is hurting and has no escape from the pain. He reaches out through his blog, and I feel like I just can't right now. I can't do it. I have no strength to offer. But I did this morning and am sitting in Niagara Falls right now.
How do people do it? I know that I am very sensitive. Since I was little I would put myself in other peoples' shoes. I would turn red and be near tears when the teacher would intimidate another child. I probably took it worse than that kid! This sensitivity has led me to the path I am taking in my career. I can empathize with others very naturally. The downside is my emotional life. I live with feelings that I need to get away from.
After I went back to sleep, my dreams were strange. My ex-husband was dead, there were bees everywhere that Nick was trying to kill, and someone left a fetus in my flower pot. I have to get new curtains. Maybe that will help.
5 comments:
Take care of yourself. Get to know yourself in your isolation. Let me know if you need a shoulder.
I love you.
Thank you! I need a few shoulders. With towels on them...
let me know if the new curtains help. i told a manager at work today that if i did not scream about what was pissing me off i would cry. he said he thought me more of a puncher than a cryer. i about punched him for saying that went back to my desk and cried. who me, crazy?
Andebeast, you always have been the one who felt for others. That is good because it is leading you to a career where it is needed; it is bad because it can make you ineffective. I know because I think I am like you.
You have been a great consolation to me during this time, but maybe you should look on the bright side of life (Life of Brian).
Really, laugh a little. Watch a stupid sitcom, decorate a moose. Do something else.
Becky Jane - Don't cry. It's okay. I would have punched him. Anyone that would make me cry at work, I would really like to punch. Their names are on a list and if they die before I punch them, I will punch their corpse at their funeral. Same for your tormentors! So there! Thanks for posting. I miss you!
Dad - I do feel too much and it can make me ineffective - more so with me than with others. I feel sometimes like I am drowning and can't take on others that are drowning. In reality, I will let them cling to my drowned body before saving myself. That has to change. I have to figure out a way to work through that.
I will be taking off with Belinda and her daughter Darcy for Ely in October. I may see a moose on the way. I will see one yet. Wolves last year, bears this year, I will see my moose and get his picture yet. I should make sure it isn't moose hunting weekend. I hate that they still kill them for sport. They are being killed by a parasite that is spread by the deer. Sad. Seeing a moose is a wonderous thing! I will try to decorate it if I see one.
This weekend I am going to do my homework and rent a movie. I might even call a schoolmate to go have a glass of wine. My weekend. I will have fun! Thanks for your advice. I will see you on Skype on Sunday?
Love yous!
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