A Hole in My Heart
I have a load of homework to do, but I feel like I have to get this off my chest because my heart is hurting.
After Jess was sent to Custer, Brian and I became proactive in preventive measures for her return. One of the actions we took was enrolling in a parenting class that is often required by DSS when parents would like their children in custody, returned to them. It was one of the best classes I have ever taken. Brian, too. It is Common Sense Parenting. The program is based on and the instructors are trained by Boy's Town. I would recommend it to all parents regardless if they are having parenting problems or not. It is $45 and Brian and I each got a copy of the book, Common Sense Parenting.
In one of the classes, we were given a sheet that showed us behaviors of children when raised in homes that are too strict, moderate, and too lenient. On that sheet of paper, I saw three children. Nick, Ben and Jess - in that order. We were never shown what to do once you already f@#$ed up and your kid is an adult.
I think of my children every day. But when I think of Nick, my heart drops. Raising Nick was tumultuous to say the least. He was so very angry from 5th grade on. I can think back to everything - the divorce, Brian and Jess coming into the family, holding him when he was a baby...the list goes on. At what point did I lose him?
I tried so hard with him. We went to three different counselors trying to find one that could help us. This kid is intelligent, but for some reason, he gave up on grades and turned instead to friends that were so unlike him, with the exception of their need to be different from the mainstream.
Graduation was a heartbreak. He didn't pass the classes needed in time to graduate. His diploma was empty at graduation and I was sad. It was too late to cancel, but I didn't want to throw him a reception. I didn't feel at all celebratory and he just kept jabbing me. One week or less before graduation he shaved his head. After graduation he had to attend summer classes to get the signed diploma. He was coming home at odd hours and gone a lot. He was fired from his job at Walgreens and I don't know what to believe happened there or at the next job. It was never Nick's fault. Nothing ever was. I was getting too stressed out about his behavior. At one point, I talked to Mike and told him that Nick could move in with him. Mike's agreement to that was done in such a way that Mike seemed to be laughing at me, implying that he wouldn't have any problems with Nick at all. That changed in about two weeks, when Nick began stopping over more and complaining about his dad - in the same way he complained about me. Mike also began admitting that Nick was a problem for him as well. He had found booze in Nick's car and we found out that Nick looking older than 18, was furnishing alcohol for high school kids.
Soon, Nick came forward and told me (because Mike said he would tell me if Nick didn't) that he got his first DUI. His dad bailed him out. Nick got an attorney and had the charge reduced to reckless driving. Nick didn't pay his fine, however, and soon warrants were issued for his arrest...
I fell into the trap this last July when Nick was picked up for another outstanding warrant for a traffic ticket. It was a Sunday. I got a call from Nick and he was in jail. He needed to be bailed out so he wouldn't lose his job for being in jail. He promised that he would pay me back. Of course, he paid part of it and I haven't seen him since.
I hurt. Nick didn't stop by to say good-bye before I moved away. I haven't spoken with him since the beginning of August. There is a hole in my heart and a yearning to reach out... I guess when I made the decision to move I thought that it might just help Nick. I know that I have been villified since he was in high school, so I thought if I left, it might help heal that wound that he seems to have where I am concerned. I was (and am) hoping that he will no longer have to rebel against someone who isn't in the same town. There is no longer a reason to feel guilty for not seeing me because I am too far away. I really hope that Nick will turn around. I worry about him. Maybe I am giving it too much thought. Regardless, I am his mother, full of guilt, worry, hope, grief...
4 comments:
Our kids mean so much to us and like love always does, it leaves us vulnerable to pain. The lesson I learned - and my mother learned - is that time sometimes finds our hopes fulfilled. It isn't over 'til it's over - and it ain't over. Love.
POOKA
Nick's a good guy. He'll find his way.
I think it's commendable that he, at least, paid part of the money back he owed you?
When I visited you when Nick was fifteen, I saw some of this coming, by his behavior and his reactions to stuff going on in the house. He seemed particularly defiant against Brian, but for no obvious reason - except Brian was just there. My guess was that it had to do with Jess and a lot of attention being focused on her.
A lot of this has to do with personality, probably. There are people with really good parents who just turn out rotten for some reason. there are people with lousy parents who turn out fine and succesful. There are kids like Jess and my own SD, Lindsey, where it's just obvious what happened.
My heart is broken for you, Ande. I have an inkling of how frustrated you are, because we're dealing with this w/Lindsey - but she's not my bio daughter, like Nick is your son. Lindsey's behavior makes me worry constantly about Darcy, when I see Darcy repeating behavior/reactions/emotions Lindsey had as a pre-teen.
For the record, I've always been impressed with your parenting, and the way you and Mike always showed a united front for the kids even after you separated. I never saw how you were too strict with Nick but I wasn't around all the time, so - I think you did all the right things - you set boundaries and followed through with discipline when they were broached, and praise when the kids succeeded within those boundaries. You did what you could to teach them to be grown-up people. At this point, it's Nick's turn to throw the ball. Where and how he throws it is up to him, and I hope, too, he'll just decidet o do the right thing and live his life so he can be happy and well. And you can, too. HUGS, HUGS AND MORE HUGS, my dearest and oldest friend. I'm sorry you have to be experiencing this.
Thank you everyone for your words and hugs! They really help!
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