Some days...

Sunday and yesterday were tough.

I admit it. I told Brian's parents about the women. I was beyond the bad place that I have been finding myself in lately. I feel so bad. Yesterday he called and he was angry with me and wanted to know why.

I'm tired of hiding the truth. I'm tired of putting on that happy face and acting like everything is going great for his benefit. I am angry, sad, devastated, relieved, tormented, depressed, hopeless, lonely, motivated, paranoid, strong, etc. I cannot predict when I will feel what. When you don't have time off between relationships, you don't have to feel that. He doesn't get why I am like this yet he keeps saving himself from going through this. He doesn't realize that I moved up here because we love it up here and were thinking about living up here together. I was putting one joint foot forward for us. Now I am alone without even a dog. I have friends, but they have families and friends and busy lives. Now that he has another woman visiting my house, petting my dogs, sleeping in my bed he cannot understand why I go through all this and feel betrayed and alone. His life is an exclamation point right now. Mine is a question mark.

My self-esteem is suffering. I'm trying with self-talk to pull myself up. Valentines Day was hard. I try to tell myself that I have done this before, but I had a good support system at work and at home. I had my kids and we would do things together and have a good time with just us. It really seems harder this time.

I think about the hell I went through every time I went back to Sioux Falls since I have been up here. It is pure insanity. I do feel healthier here without that. I'm sure my blood pressure is better here.

Yesterday I was going to spend my night wooing myself with a life list. The last time I did that, so many things on the list came true. I thought it would be better than wallowing in my loneliness. Not long after I got the notebook out to do so, the phone rang and it was Brian. No list. More tears. He just doesn't get it.