Ow!

So much has happened through Grad School.

I really feel as if I have grown. I have met people that I hope to stay in contact with for a very long time. I met a really great person and great friend, Kim. There have been many good things that have happened.

Somedays it is difficult to think of that. Right now I am far away from home. Where I came from, I cannot return. I can only go forward. There are so many scary things to face alone.

It is an adventure that I am embarking on. Like all good adventures, there is risk. What if I don't find a job? What if I can't find a place to live that I can afford? What if, what if, what if...

To top it all off, I have permanently ended things with Brian. After almost 11 years, I stopped waiting for him to decide and now I decided. Despite the affairs and the lies and the distance, it is hard. We have many years of memories. He fit well into the family and loves everyone.

I look forward to living with much less stress, but think about the years I wasted and the impact the relationship with Brian and Jess had on mine with my boys. Those were some of the worst years of my life. Perhaps I will write a book someday. Not now. I have journal after journal with tear warped pages of all the hurt. When it was good, it was very good. When it was bad it was excruciating.

I worry, as single women of my age do, about not having anyone to spend the rest of my life with. I am afraid to get out there again, yet afraid not to. I hate dating. I would love to have a guy to hold hands with and share witticisms with. Someone this time without baggage steeped in insanity.

My son is leaving for boot camp in the Navy in about a month. He is in for 4 years. That tears me apart. He is a good kid and damn, will I miss him. I hope he is safe.

Then there is Mom. I am so far away, yet the pain is still close and real. It's no fair. I get angry, depressed and cry with pain at what is happening. Dammit! This isn't the way it is supposed to be.

So, the OCD roared back today. The thoughts of going nuts and having to control that by cleaning the house, organizing the paperwork and such. So many things are out of my control. I feel really alone sometimes. Although I know friends are a phone call away, I don't want to burden anyone with this. I know how consuming it is to me, and most people can't take other people's pain. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone...

I have homework all over the place. Lots of due dates coming up. Graduation coming up. Need to get a job. Get my LGSW. So much. Find a place to live. Right now it all seems so be all up in the air. Disorganized and out of control. It is difficult to feel sane right now. As my therapist once told me, if I think I am going crazy, I'm not. Because if I were, I would not know I was. Think further into it... Nah. I don't want to bring anyone here with me.