What would you do?

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Look into the statement. No, if you are reading on right away, you are not thinking about it. This statement is about voice. The voice we all have in us and the vision that is halted by the rut. I would really like to.... If I had a million dollars I would... In a perfect world... If I didn't have to support my family I would...

We all have it. If you are reading my blog, I know it is very strong in you!

Every once in awhile I will get a craving for orange sherbet, a homemade chocolate-chip cookie, a steaming hot cup of Constant Comment... In all of our lives we occasionally get the craving for something we cannot put our finger on. This is the voice trying to come out. It is quite unsettling. You may grab that chocolate-chip cookie, but that isn't it. You may go run 5 miles, but it is still there. You may take a vacation or go shopping, but the craving won't go away. It is the voice in you wanting to scream. It is the clash of the average day times 100 or so and your inner drive.

Today that craving hit. So hard that I felt like vomiting and crying at the same time. Reading my last post made it all that much worse.

I don't have a vision, I have several. I would like to open a shop that has curiosities. Bits N Pieces meets Starbucks. Tiffany's Bakery meets Mad magazine. Dr. Phil meets Cheers. Intimate meets gregarious. Music meets technology. Warm fireplace meets laughter. I can smell it. I can taste it. I can feel it. But like the rest of you, I subdue it. I subdue it for "survival". Today it wants to come out. Today I ask if I am really surviving. Is what I am currently doing anywhere near the path I want to walk down?

I find it difficult sometimes to go to class and go to work in such a rigid world. My Juvenile Delinquency professor asked us to identify the one theory we felt most describes the cause of juvenile delinquency. I thought and thought, I read and read. I reread and rethought. Finally I told him that it would be like taking a med student into a hospital and asking him to identify the one disease he thought was the reason all the people were in there. For the wealthy sociopath it may be the Trait Theory. For the kid in the gang, it may be Strain Theory. For the convict's son it may be Social Learning. For the eighth grade dyslexic, it may be social reaction. There is no one theory, and until God or The Flying Spaghetti Monster stops making us all unique, there will be no one theory.

What beats me up in the world is my "survival". I think that it is the cause of great distress. This leaves me wondering why I am "surviving". I know that I am capable of greatness.

Wynton Marsalis said in his episode of Iconoclasts with John Besh that as long as you have something to fall back on, you will fall back on it.

Okay, so Donald Trump, as much as I dislike the bastard, made a good point. After going bankrupt and being several $M in the hole, he looked over at a homeless man and noted that the man was wealthier than he was.

So what do I have to lose? And what will happen if I lose it? I think I have one foot on my need for stability and the other on trying to figure out how to accomplish my vision. Strange bedfellows indeed. Something has been emerging. In a way, I am beginning to figure out that I don't care about my job. Do you know how much more relaxed that makes me feel? (I giggle) There is a smiling Tasmanian Devil in me right now. Today, I believe in me. The number of days I believe in me increases. So, is this confidence? For so long I have aspired to be confident. I have looked to others. I have followed the "rules". I have been different but not too different. I have been afraid. I have beat myself up. I am wearing myself out like that. It was supposed to be the path of least resistance. If that is true, then why am I so stressed. If that IS the path of least resistance, than why does it feel like I am one person attempting to move a stone wall? Hmm...I'll be back.