Why so Angry?

Filling out the forms tonight for the oncologist, I began to get angry. In so many ways I feel like shouting! When I am signing a consent for treatment form that says that I consent to the following:
"All medical nd surgical treatment, x-ray, laboratory and other medical and hospital procedures as may be performed or prescribed by my physician or any person (including other physicians to be consulted, assistants and hospital personnel) who may be designated. It also follows with "Sanford conducting training programs in which students or practitioners in areas of health care learn under supervision and may be involved in my care" stating that I approve of that.

I am having nightmares here. Who in their right mind would sign a form like this? Giving preauthorization to whatever they feel like doing to me? What if 20 interns need experience at rectal exams? Skrew that! What am I? a freakin' guinea pig. Most folks would say, oh, don't worry about it. I guess I am just not a very trusting person. In the hospital, I was just livid that I had to have an I.V. when I was taking my antibiotics and other medication orally.... What the hell? The doctor said just in case they needed to give me something I.V. Meanwhile, the I.V. was driving me nuts. It has a thin plastic end that stays in the vein. It had twisted so that my vein was 90 degrees off what it was when I went in. The plastic thing was bent and they kept having to straighten it out and retape it. Things like that make me woozy. I just picture the strain of the plastic piece twisting my vein and poking through. Sure, I know that veins are made of 3 layers of muscle, but it still grossed me out. Then there was the urine sample - the one I couldn't be trusted to give them on my own, so they did with a catheter. I love those! That ordered by the doctor from "A Series of Unfortunate Events". Lemony Snicket, have I got some story lines for you!

But now I am wondering what I am so angry about. Really, is that the real reason? I don't want to be poked and prodded and violated anymore. I just want an answer. I am so irritable and tense. My head is pounding and I feel like I am throwing a tantrum of words here. "It's not fair!!!" I used to say when I was little. It wasn't. It isn't now. I know that I am too old for it, but bawling and throwing myself down on the floor kicking and screaming sure sounds appealing. I think I know how 2 and 3 year-olds feel. That feeling you get inside where you are tired of controlling your anger and your angst! You just want to let it all out so that lump in your esophagus goes away. You want that pressing feeling just above your ears to go away. You want to let the tears fly without caring what anyone thinks. You want it to all go away.


I'm an adult now. I should be stoic. I shouldn't be writing these words knowing that others will read them. Unless, of course, their reading them liberates them as much as it does me writing them. Maybe it will. Then I will feel better. Otherwise I feel like such a whiner.

I met J. in the hall today. She just caught up on my blog. I apologized for whining and she said that she thought I was a strong person and very determined. Thank you, J. That helps. If I do write a book someday, you will have a special spot in it. You have helped me not feel so bad about my rantings.