Happy July 4, 2007

Okay, here it is. Out there and honest. I wouldn't write about today except for the fact that so many that read this blog say they can relate. Relating one human to another is such a personal thing. We are all human and we all go through times like this. Let's just hope we can all come out of it, too.

Today I woke up and cried. And cried and cried and cried. Have you ever had the feeling that this isn't the life that you signed on for? That despite all your efforts, you keep falling backwards over and over again. Forget the abstract, on to the reality.

It all started with the Nick thing. The graduation thing. He hasn't graduated yet. He is going to summer school. No, maybe it all starts with the car thing. He was in a rut and his car kept going out on him. The transmission was the last straw and I thought it was the last he should spend on that hunk of junk that turned out to be a gift that dumped on him over and over again. I could relate. I felt for the guy. So I blew a substantial chunk of my savings on buying him a car that would be reliable and hopefully help his self-esteem. He was so happy he promised that he would pay nearly every cent he made on it. I was happy that he was happy.

Then came the graduation thing. I cried and cried about that one. Shit, this time that was supposed to be so happy for me was so unhappy. I was angry with him.

Then came time for him to pay me for the car. Nope, nope, nope. He yelled at me because he didn't have the money. He kept working and earning it and spending it. He would be overdrawn and I would help him out and he wouldn't pay me back.

Jess came to spend her two weeks with her dad. She was up to the usual summertime fun of manipulating people, lying and throwing tantrums. I told Brian not to fix the last window she broke because she should live with it. One more window and she will have bugs and bats flying in her room. Then Jess was sexually assaulted. The truth of the matter was that we think that perhaps it may have been consensual and not the first time, but the 23 year-old registered sex offender is back in jail thanks to Jess's friend's father walking in on it.

Jess kept getting into trouble with her friend Anna. They would do what they wanted and didn't think that any adult had the right to tell them what to do. The constitution said that they were free to do whatever and say whatever they wanted. One night when Jess was supposed to be in counseling, she was in Valley Springs. Somehow, when Brian came home, she was back in Sioux Falls. When push came to shove, we found out that Nick had been driving she and her friend all over because he had a crush on her 13 year-old friend. Big no-no. Jess after she came home, threw a tantrum outside and her dad had to pick her up and bring her into the house. She called the police on him. That night Jess ran away. We called the police. Her friend thought that she was with another 23 year-old guy that she had a picture of on her phone. She says she stayed over at her friends' house. Who knows? Anyway, she was released to her mother's custody, but then had to go back to the pokey after punching her mom. She was there overnight and the next morning got smart with her mother who decided that apparently her stay at the "inn" had taught her nothing. So, she stayed all weekend.

Meanwhile, Nick still isn't paying for his car, but is going out every night with his friends and ending up with no money. He got into trouble with some magazine subscriptions, and owed $700.00 that they wanted right then. Earlier this week he was on the phone with them and we were trying to see how much he could pay right then and found out he had 4 more overdrafts at $34 each. He started crying. I grabbed the phone and talked them into waiting and he only had $280 left to pay. He was grateful for the moment.

Then there is the warrant for his arrest. It says 3 ct Simple Assault - attempt. ???? What the hell? His dad says that when he was partying at one of the local parks back in May, he had to leave. There were folks all around his car. When he shooed them away and began backing out, he bumped a girl in the back of the foot. He says he didn't know about it until the next day. That evening when he got to the park, there were folks with baseball bats waiting for him. (Is that where the first dent in the car came from?) He left the park before they could beat him up, but it wasn't over. Apparently the police had called and spoke with him. They didn't think it would go anywhere, but apparently it did. We don't know the details. We don't know why 3 cts, but we do know that this girl's mother took her to the doctor the following day and nothing was wrong. She was fine. There are holes in this story. Why? why? why? Who is this boy and where is my son? This isn't the Nick that was so interested in learning in 3rd grade that he was bored?

So, this morning, I wake up and the house is a mess and I feel like crap. Saturday, you see, when I woke up, my neck was stiff and sore. I think I had a pinched nerve. My mom and I seem prone to that. Sunday it seemed like I was getting a sore throat. I knew that I probably had an ear infection, but with all of the immune deficiency with antibiotics, I chose not to go to the doctor and get antibiotics. Today, I couldn't hear out of that ear and thought I had better go in. So I did. I figured I would get checked out, get antibiotics and get the heck out of there. Apparently it wasn't supposed to go that way.

After all was said and done, they took 8 vials of blood (I passed out only after they started the 2nd 4 vials - and they just kept poking and taking blood while I was on the floor), did a strep test and a chest x-ray and wanted to do a spinal tap. No thank you! They are testing for Lyme Disease, West Nile, thyroid, and blood infection. Jeepers! I just have an ear infection! Actually, the ear isn't even infected. It was fluid, but not infected. They gave me two shots of an antibiotic that they use for meningitis, a follow up prescription, and said that if I felt at all worse, to go to the emergency room immediately. (What does septic mean? I think toxic...) Now I sit on my sore ass and wait for test results. And the house is still messy and my kid locked his keys in his (my) car and had to admit he had stolen my set. Then he said that he didn't have to put up with my "shit"!?!

So, here I am. This IS NOT the life I signed up for.