On the Brink

My favorite quote is from Harriet Beecher Stowe:

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you till it seems you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

But then there is Morton Salt: "When it rains, it pours"

And after today, this from Mary Ann Radmacher:"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

I am sad, disappointed, hurt, afraid, bitter, irritable, despondent, anguished, discouraged, disheartened, hopeless, beaten down, betrayed, deceived, lonely, alone, abandoned. I need comfort, reassurance, honesty, trust, understanding, and more kleenex. I feel I have failed in so many ways in my life. I feel right now that I must be saying and doing all the wrong things. I feel I should just shut my mouth and hide in the corner until it blows over.

In so many ways this blog is my journal. I often wonder if folks think that I am insane. I tend to be so negative in this. I think that I can write the negative down and it has the effect that vomiting does on something not sitting well - although tonight I did that, too. I spew all my negative thoughts and begin to feel better.

When I was in 7th and 8th grade, I wrote in my journal a lot. So often when people would read it (whether with or without permission) they would hand it back to me and say, I feel that way, too. That helped both them and me feel less alone and more human. It was, however, hard to write my true feelings about some things and some people. I was criticized when I did.

This is therapeutic for me, yet limiting. I cannot write what I feel about certain situations and other things like people. For one, I found if I put real names in here, a quick Google Search will pull up my blog. Some things the situation itself will define and identify the person. Currently, I know of only one person at work that reads my blog. I am not worried about her saying anything at all. (BTW, be glad you didn't get the job. There is a reason for everything.)


Have you ever hoped and prayed that something would go right? That the direction that you had planned for many years would pan out. Sort of like an investment. You put a lot into it, expecting to at least break even, only to find out that your accountant or whatever, ran off with it. In one day your hopes and dreams are flushed. Me, neither.

I don't know how to communicate right now. I am afraid to talk to anyone. I am angry with some and frustrated with others. In a way, I think that this could be an excellent time to move up north. I'm thinking Duluth until I get my degree. But, I'm too close to getting my degree here. I need a very long vacation. I want to go up north and camp at a walk-in or hike in spot. I want to take in the quiet and the natural noises of the forest. I want to write, write, write.