Murphy's Law

All things tend toward disorder.

My life, I am finding, is constant testing and proof of the above statement. I try so hard to accentuate the positive. I look within myself to find my happiness. I go through periods of time where I feel pretty beat up. The last few weeks has been an example of that: If it can go wrong it will.

For some reason each child is going through their own little thing (not so little) right now. As a mother, I am not feeling so successful. I am doing the best I know how, yet it is never good enough.




I think it is of utmost importance that I keep moving forward. I admit, what has made my optical sprinkler system go berserk lately, are the feelings of loneliness, failure and stress. I need someone to talk to. Unfortunately, I don't know where to start. That is why I don't call anyone. I know it sounds ridiculous. How would you feel if you received a phone call and all you heard on the other end was blubbering? Sheees! So, blog readers, it is up to you to repair the sprinkler system. I have also found that sleep will probably help. Considering I stayed up to listen to the storm last night (one of my favorite therapies) and was awaken early by a cute - albeit whiny - furry animal at 5:30 a.m.


Two days later...

My energy is still gone. I have so much to do right now and NO energy to do it. I know once I begin and begin to see the results of my labor, this will be easier to consider. I am being packed down with guilt, resentment, grief, stress, dread and hopelessness. I need to burst forth and toil.

Perhaps I need to be frank. I know I do. So here it goes. This is dilemma 1: This dilemma is characterized by grief, shock, fear, disappointment, anger, despair, resentment... My son, throughout his last high school semester has been telling me that he was working on his grades. He is good at blaming others: he was working too much, he couldn't get ahold of his teachers, he was making it up...the list goes on. Last week, I received an e-mail from his teacher that said that it was no one's fault but Nick's that there was no way he could possibly pass the class. Nick had needed every single credit to graduate. He might as well have punched me in the gut. I broke down. I bawled like a baby and sobbed and couldn't speak. He had lied to me all semester long. My son, the one with the high SAT scores, the one that I had such a time with feeding his hunger for knowledge years ago, will walk down that aisle on Sunday, all dressed up in cap and gown to fetch his unsigned diploma. This has squeezed the all the enjoyment out of a moment in our lives that is so significant. How could he? Family is coming, friends are coming and this celebration is planned. We are celebrating him. We are celebrating him when all I want to do is pound on him. (I am not a violent person, either) I want to slam him against the wall and ask him what he is doing to himself?
Outside of my anger towards him, is that of the anger towards me. Why didn't I do something sooner? I know that answer, though. I was trying to make him accountable for his own actions. To teach him responsibility and discipline. That failed. Why didn't I pull him out of mainstream education so many years ago when he begged to be homeschooled. I know he hated middle school. He was beat up and teased and harrassed. Why has this become so acceptable?
So, now when I feel that I need to be preparing the house for the mass of people coming to celebrate him, I am finding little energy to do so. It is like having a wedding reception for a fake wedding. I can't feel good about doing it.

Dilemma #2:
School. Somehow in the midst of all the hubbub, I have to do a case study, study for a quiz and study for a test. Since my classes are 7-9:30 pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I have NO time between them to study. So I have to do it all before Tuesday. Perhaps I should just wait until Monday, but I don't know. Anyway, that is adding more weight.

Dilemma #3:
The drama queen will be here this weekend, because it is her dad's holiday. She doesn't take well to being ignored. .: when her dad is doing all the stuff around the house that he has been procrastinating about, she will be stopping him. He will probably make at least 2 trips back to Brandon, to get everything she needs, throw a tantrum about not getting to be with her friends, to which Brian will eventually respond by taking her out and buying her something. In other words, I cannot plan on having his help.

Dilemma #4:
My city work. I haven't yet prepared for the meeting on Tuesday. I need to get that going.

Dilemma #5:
Bills, courthouse, shoes...I have many errands to run and things to do. I also need to iron Nick's graduation gown and pants and shirt...

Dilemma #6:
I know that my brother and his two gnomes are coming, but I don't know if I will have any other family here. Renee doesn't have a regular job. She said if she was hired this week, she will come. I would really like her and her elves to be here.


As I am writing all of this, I remember a funny situation where there was animosity towards me and I got in trouble for doing something. I was asked to post a sign for the work area. The sign began: Attention Coworkers... I was taken into the office and written up for name calling. Apparently one of my coworkers was offended at being called a coworker because I deliberately did that to insinuate that she was a cow. She said (and the supervisor took her side) that the word is spelled "co-worker" and by leaving out the dash I was being mean to her. After I got done laughing, I brought a dictionary to work to prove to them that I wasn't being devious.